SLOW DOWN!

Whereas I do not want to start quantifying my life with the numbers of days I have been a widow, I still find myself staring at the calendar and comparing my life to then and now.  I guess it will be a slow transformation to my new life.

I fell a couple weeks ago, in my home.  I was simply walking down the steps toward the front door.  My foot hit the  last step, my ankle violently turned outward, I heard a crack and went flying.  The pain was excruciating.  I laid on my back writhing in agony, screaming.  It was at that precise moment  I realized how alone I really was.  Sure, my kids all live relatively close.  Absolutely, I have wonderful neighbors who will come at a moment's notice.  But, I was alone.  I am alone.

I did have my phone in my pocket and as soon as I was able to 'get a grip', I called Allison who came flying over, picked me up, and carried me to the car.  Dx: Sprained ankle, 2 broken bones in my foot.  I'll live.  I am 3 weeks into recovery.  I am still wearing a God-awful massive boot on my left foot.  I am walking with the aid of a cane.  I have slowed my pace considerably.  Hmm, I wonder if a 'kindly spirit' was trying to get me to slow down all along?  I did ignore the other warning:  Getting stopped by a State Trooper on the Garden State Pkwy going 88 mph.  So who knew my caddy could do that so smoothly that I wouldn't realize? - No ticket, just a 'warning' from a sweet officer named MICHAEL!   (Maybe I am not so alone?)

I find I am constantly struggling with the conflict of wanting to be independent from my children and hating the idea of being without Mike day to day.  I am not lonely.... I just miss him terribly.  I guess this is the part that time is supposed to 'heal'.

Like my foot, my heart still needs to be cradled.  I will get there.... baby steps...