Updating My Mate

Dear Mike

It just amazes me how most days and nights tend to drag on forever, yet, in the blink of an eye you are gone 9 months already.  A lot has happened since you've left.

First, I fell and broke my ankle and my foot in two places, and severed a ligament.  No, I was not running a marathon, I was simply walking down the steps.  This has certainly slowed me down a bit - but you know I am like the Energizer Bunny -and  I just keep going.

Michael decided that I needed an alarm on the house.  He arranged everything and made me promise to use it religiously.  AND I DID, for a little while, anyway....  Bobby changed the locks on the doors, too.  I am still trying to figure out if they are trying to keep me locked in or out!!

The holidays were a drag, but we all survived them.  I know I am kidding myself when I say next year will be better - but you also know I will do what I have to do to make sure the "smiles" remain in our home.  God Bless our kids, they can find humor in damn near anything - and I welcome it.

The extended family has been amazing.  Those loud, crazy, warm Italian cousins stay in constant touch and keep me hopping.  I've been to Tampa, Cape May, North Jersey, and Daytona -  Salt Lake City is next!  They all tell such wonderful stories of you throughout the years.  You were the first one from our generation to leave and they are all realizing how precious life is.  When you died, we made a vow to see each other more often and not just for weddings and funerals. At least once per visit, someone mentions "your perfect hair"!  They are still all so jealous.

Blind Cat has become my best friend.  Remember how that cat would never give me the right time of day???  Now, he insists on sleeping smack up against me every night.  He would sleep on my chest if I let him.  Pepper and Boo have not ventured upstairs since you left.  I see them occasionally as I tend to them each morning.  Do you hear me cussing as I clean their litter boxes and wash out their bowls??

Brandy is still mourning you.  She developed a nervous condition where she would constantly lick her arms.  The Vet suggested I put her on Prozac -  you KNOW I am not agreeing to that!  She wore your long sleeve T-shirts for most of the Winter.  I think that helped comfort her a bit, and saved her arms from permanent damage.  Louie?  Well, you know Louie..... I don't even think he notices you are gone.  He always was such an ass!!  It is good to come home to these two rascals each day.

The boys decided that I needed to put the car in the garage this Winter.  They worked very hard to clear out one side of the garage to accommodate the Jeep.  I gave Bobby the tool chests.  He and Michael worked together to make sure all the tools were properly divided.  They only made one mistake - they did not leave me ANYTHING!!!  Now, whenever they have to fix something at the house, they scrounge around the house to find "tool substitutes"!  I think they decided to buy a new bunch of stuff to keep at our house.  They made me practice backing into the garage over and over - YES, I did it just to placate them - HOWEVER, the very next day, I pulled the car in and have not backed it in ever since!!  Michael put up a STOP sign to mark the place I should stop the car.  Bobby did not think that was sufficient.  He hung a wooden monkey (I am not kidding) that knocks into the windshield each day.  The good news?  I always stop the car prior to going through a wall!!

It is time to paint the inside of the house.   The kids reminded me that my choice of paint color would include 9 different shades of white and as a result, they have decided that I CANNOT change any of the existing colors.  Of course, during one of my cleaning rants, I tossed every paint can I could put my hands on and we have no idea what colors you actually chose 5 years ago.  We sent Brett to Benjamin Moore for color charts.  We are now on the second week of trying to match those one inch squares with the paint on the walls - I am sure you are laughing!   I was also informed that I am "not allowed" to have the bedroom painted - Remember, over  our headboard, are the words "Just one lifetime won't be enough for us" - and the kids added "and we will torture each other for all of eternity" - No one is ready for that to disappear....

The original lemon tree died ... ok, so maybe I didn't water it as much as I should have - BUT, in my defense, I remember to water the dogs everyday!  The little lemon tree yielded 2 lemons!!  We promptly made "lemon drop shots" and savored every bit.  There is no other fruit on the tree - not sure how long I will have to keep watering this one before I can let it die a natural death.....

I did find a stack of old lottery tickets - and I made Bobby take them to your little store to be checked -  Everyone of them was a winner!  $2 here, $3 there, etc.  I took all the money and played your number (526) everyday for a couple months.  Sadly, I didn't win a dime - but I did enjoy checking the results each day.

Hey!  What's with the rocks??  I have found rocks in nearly every one of your drawers.  There was a little bag in your closet and even that was full of rocks.  I keep putting them on the side of the house.  Sometimes, I come home from work and find a rock or two in the driveway.   Is that you??

I have learned that our marriage was quite special.  I almost find it humorous that we did not know that!  I know we both worked hard at our marriage everyday - we each made it a priority in our lives.  I also know that we not only loved each other, but we were IN love.  I miss you everyday, but I am so grateful that you are pain free and at peace.  You taught me so much about life, but you never taught me how to live it without you by my side.  I am working on that everyday.

I find it adorable that Allison will call/text everyday and ask, "Are you having a good day today?"  I am careful to be "up" most days -  I know that if I am having a bad moment, it will soon pass and I do not need for her to try to figure out a way to 'make me better'.  I am working hard to bring her back to being my daughter and not my emotional caretaker.

Michelle is still trying to get me to dye my hair!!  She seems obsessed with getting me to look younger and eat well!   I just laugh and do as I please - I know you are not surprised.

Storchevoy Sundays continue to occur - WHEN I AM FREE ON A SUNDAY!   I find the kids just like to be together, cooking and laughing.  I love that they seem to linger at the table longer, too.  Sometimes, they discuss my life, right in front of me, as if I was not there!!  It just tickles me to watch them together.  We did a good job with these kids - it wasn't ever easy, but it was totally worth the work.  They are simply good human beings - who could ask for more than that?

So, my dear, have you noticed how different I am?  I am no longer simply "Mike's Wife".  I fell apart when you left...but I am slowly putting myself back together again.  I am putting the pieces back differently now.  I no longer think in terms of "we".  In our true fashion, I still go everywhere I am invited and  I am truly grateful for the distractions.  They say time heals all wounds, so I am working hard to pass the time.  I try not to make long range plans for the future anymore, as I now understand that life can change in an instant.  I still feel sad at times, but I recall all that we had throughout the years and I have learned to turn that sadness into a thankful prayer.

I am smiling more these days as I recall that you never wanted to see me cry.  Yes, life goes on.... but it is a different life.

Love you always.

Shared DNA

I have often spoke of my cousins.  We really and truly grew up more like siblings.  I am so grateful to have them in my life.  Even though we are separated by miles, it seems that nothing can come between us.

In the days, weeks and months that followed my saddest days, my cousins all helped pave the way to my new life.  It was such a comfort to know they were all just a phone call away, yet, I never had to reach out at all - they all stayed with me... at an arm's length.

Getting through this first year of holidays has been an emotional chore.  Trying to balance the need to grieve and the necessity to be strong for my kids has been exhausting.  Often, I could not find the strength and the kids had to hold me up.  Since then, I have been working overtime to prove to them, and myself, that I will survive.  I am strong,  I am different.  I am!

After Christmas, I decided I needed to break tradition a bit.  I took off for 4 days and went to visit cousins in North Jersey.  These boys are truly like brothers to me.  I am grateful that they live within a mile of each other and it turned out to be a 4 day mini family reunion.  We went from house to house - and all the "second generation cousins" (their kids) made appearances the whole time.  This was a major step in my growth.  It was a true realization that I am alone.... not in a bad way.... I am just alone.

If I want to go away for the weekend.  I go.  No one to ask, no one to discuss it with.  I just go.  AND I GO A LOT!!!  Perhaps I am running away?  Perhaps I am searching for something?  Who's to say... this works for me right now.  Thankfully, I have cousins near and far - and I can travel as close or as far as I need to be on any given weekend.

Visited Cousins in North Jersey.  Visited Cousins in Daytona.  Visiting cousins in Utah.
Next on the agenda: cousins in the rest of New Jersey!

Time to purge!

In my unending effort to re-invent ME, I have just finished going through my closets.  My recent weight loss has rendered more than half the clothes in there useless.  In the past, I never would have purged all those clothes, I would have just moved them to a different room!!  Not today...

I must have tried on 20 pairs of black dress pants: wide legs, skinny legs, short ones, long ones, loose ones and tight ones - YOU NAME IT, I had it!  I tossed them all!!  I have not purchased a pair of black dress pants since we are living in this house (nearly 12 years!)  Will some of them come back in style?  Will any of them fit better another time?  Should I hold on to any of them?  Not today...

Anything with a stain was tossed - in the past I would have saved those T-shirts and sweatshirts for "when I did dirty work".  Not today....

I even went through my underwear and pajamas!!  Do I really need 48 pairs of panties? stretched out bras? 10 year old pajamas?  Not today...

This allowed me to open Mike's closet.... the boys had taken anything they wanted, anything that they could use.  I tossed anything with a stain on it (specifically a coffee stain right in the middle of the chest!).  Was I ready to get rid of everything?  Not today...

The Veterans are picking up 10 bags of clothes today.  Am I sad to see it all go?  Not today...