Friday, October 30, 2015

Helpful advice to others.....

Things NOT to say to a new widow:

How are you? - How am I???    I lost my partner, my right hand, the left side of my heart!  How do you THINK I am??  There is simply no way to answer this question honestly without going into a long diatribe.  So, inevitably, I will look you in the eye and say, "I'm fine" - but, please do not think that this is how I REALLY am.

He's in a better place. -  Simply put, you will never convince me that there is a better place than right by my side.  I know you mean well, but this is not a soothing sentiment.

You are so strong. - No, really, I am not.  I am just trying to keep my emotions under control.  No one wants to be near a sad, crying woman with a broken heart.  I need to keep it together for my children.  They lost their father, they need to see that their mother is functioning.  They need to grieve with a peaceful heart.  I cannot add to their sadness now.  I am not strong, I am just a good mom.  When I am alone, I am sad and broken - the polar opposite of strong.

This will get better in time. - Really?  And how much time do you think I need to set aside for this to happen?  Can I set my clock?  Put it on my calendar??

Soon, you will be back to normal. - There is no returning to 'normal' for me.  I must find a NEW normal.  Did you forget that the other half of "us" is now gone??  Every part of the last 39 years will never happen again.

I know how you feel, I lost my father, brother, friend, etc. - Unless you lost your spouse, you will NEVER know how I feel.  I know you mean well, but it is just insulting.


Things TO SAY to a new widow:

I was so sorry to hear about your husband -  If you haven't seen me since he died, do not hesitate to express your sympathy.  You are not reminding me that he died, I will never forget it.  It is comforting to have others acknowledge his passing.

Tell me about his last days. - I want you to know how peaceful his passing was.  It is healing for me to retell the events over and over.  It helps me to make sense of my grief.

Tell me the story of how you met. - I want to reminisce and remember the first time my heart was full.  I want to replace the pain in my heart with the joy that was once there, even if it is just for a moment.

I remember...... (tell me something you remember about my husband) - My heart swells with love when you talk to me about a fond memory.  It tells me that his life mattered to others, too.

What is the hardest part of the day? - This answer will change daily.  This will help me to realize that I am not stuck in one place, that I am trying to adjust to my new life.

What makes you smile these days?  This will help me to remember that there are still reasons to smile.  A broken heart can still feel joy at times.

Just sayin'.......

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Storchevoy Sundays are back!

Storchevoy Sundays have resumed at my house.  Thankfully, the kids hosted it all Summer long (and by 'the kids', I mean Allison and Lisa).  However, as the cooler weather crept in, my youngest son boldly said to me, "This house is not closed.  We are coming for dinner on Sunday."  I guess he told me!

We are now a couple weeks back on track.  I find myself excited to cook for the kids once again.  I love to cook, and I haven't done so in a while.  I rarely 'cook' for myself during the week, but there is always healthy food in the fridge.  I am managing NOT to waste away - LOL!  By the end of the week, I am planning a menu and on Saturdays I shop for the inevitable feast.

Throughout the years, I have learned that it does not matter what I serve the family as long as we are together.  This being said, I do try to make a LOT of whatever I am cooking so they can all take home a meal of leftovers  and I have some stuff to  nibble on during the week.  Last week, I went to 3 different stores and loaded up the Jeep - then I called Michael and asked him to meet me at the house just to carry the groceries in for me as my broken ankle makes the steps such a challenge, still.

Last Sunday, the kids huddled around the kitchen counter for hours, just nibbling, talking and laughing.  My heart swelled as I embraced their camaraderie.  We all entered the dining room for dinner and the kids cleaned up as I packed up their leftovers.  Everything flowed just so smoothly.  I realized that we had developed our own "kitchen dance".

Storchevoy Sundays are just a little different now.  I cook alone and  I sit at the head of the table.  But the love that permeates the house is still the same.  If you see me counting on my fingers, I am just taking note of all my blessings.

Thursday, October 08, 2015

Fearless

I recently took a trip to Florida.  The weather in New York was promising to be anything but sunny, so the timing was perfect.  The charts at the airport reported my departing flight to be on time - YAY!!!  I am happy to say that we did, indeed, board on time.

The problems started at the runway.  There were approximately 4500 planes that had to take off before us (or so it seemed).  We sat on that runway for over an hour - I wonder if Jet Blue still considered this an "on time" flight?!?!?

There were lots of 'weather issues' in the surrounding area, all headed for New York.  Whereas the eventual take off  was uneventful, the ascent to our cruising altitude left much to be desired.  There was non-stop bouncing and lots of funny sounds - it seemed to take forever.  In the past, an experience like this would always result in me holding on tight and saying my prayers.  Not this time...  This time was different.

During this rocky climb, I did grasp the seat arms to steady myself, but mostly I just stared out the window.  I realized, at that moment, that I was not afraid to face demise.  To quote a friend, "death had no hold on me".  I had a quiet conversation with God and simply said, "If you are ready for me, so be it as I know Mike will be waiting there to greet me.  HOWEVER, perhaps all the rest of the people on this plane are not so ready to go, so please think carefully before making a decision."  Imagine that, me giving God advice!!!  Frankly, that wasn't the first time I offered a suggestion to the Lord, and I am sure it won't be the last!!

I have decided that I will define myself in my 'new normal' as "fearless".   Look out world, I am even stronger than I was before!