A Year Gone 8/5/51-5/26/15

Dear Mike,

A year has passed since you've left.  A part of me feels like you've been gone forever and  sometimes, I feel like you just left me yesterday.  I promised myself that if I could survive the first year, I would be okay.  I survived.

I don't recall a specific time for the changes in me, I only know they happened.  Out of the blue, I realized that my darkest days had taken a turn and I was heading in a different direction.   I noticed I was crying less and finding it easier to laugh again.

I stopped being angry.  I was never an angry person, and I did not like the anger that was popping up in my day-to-day life,  I have since let go of it and I am more at peace now.

I no longer doubt myself.  I remembered all those years, how you encouraged me and how we relied on each other.  I realize that I am an intelligent, strong woman and I will always think things through and never make rash decisions.

I always knew what a special relationship we had, but I now know how rare that was. You taught me how to love and to feel loved every single day.   I never took it for granted, I just thought all married couples had it.  I will always be grateful for the love we had and the life we gave our children.

I can listen to our wedding song without crying, (most times).  There was a time when any song we EVER danced to reduced me to tears.  Now, I just recall all the good times and smile.  When people mention your name, it does not make me sadder that you are gone - it makes me happy that you touched so many lives and they all remember you so fondly.

I am acutely aware of all things in nature these days.  The sunrises and sunsets, the blooming trees and flowers, butterflies and spiders - all remind me of you and how you were always trying to get me to notice them.

My confidence has returned.  I am back to walking with a spring in my step.  Most days, when I smile, I really mean it!  I am fearless.

I have watched the kids' lives change and move forward.  In the beginning, I was leaning on them a lot, now they are chasing me to spend time with me.  When we are all together and we talk about you, there are no more sad tears.  There are lots of smiles and many belly laughs - you have left them quite a legacy.  You are present in their day-to-day lives.

I will ALWAYS love you and miss you, but I did survive this year.  

I am okay.

Mother's Days

Sunday is Mother's Day for the whole world.  I will celebrate it, I am sure - however, I am very grateful for my children who make me feel like everyday is Mother's Day...

I am the mother of the kid that:

...texts me everyday

,.. always asks the right questions

...  can sense when I am having a bad day

... calls everyday on the way to work and on the way home. .. we never seem to run out of things to talk about

... is unpredictable with the phone calls, but is always sincere and concerned

.... encourages me to continue to live my life to the fullest

... checks in and asks about my evenings, making sure to have me over for dinner on a free night.

... offers to be my designated driver when there is a "drinking event" on the calendar

... worries about seasonable chores that need to be done around my house - and makes sure they are done

... senses when I am in need of a pick-me-up and has flowers/surprises sent to me for no reason at all

... reminds me how much Mr. Wonderful loved me and what a role model he was for all of  his children

... is raising my granddaughters and teaching them to be the most magnificent human beings

... presumes they are in charge of my life now - LOL - (I'll just let that fantasy continue for a while!)


Best of all,  I have kids that think I am wonderful (most of the time!)

Recharging all the batteries...

I just returned from a visit to Florida to see Allison and Lisa.  It was 5 days of bliss!  There was no agenda.  Most days were spent in pajamas and/or bathing suit.  

I went to bed when I was tired.  I slept as late (or as little) as I needed to .  I ate when I was hungry.  I had a cocktail whenever the mood required one.   I laid on the beach and relaxed by their pool.  I sat on their porch: sometimes engaged in lively conversation, sometimes quietly reading my book.  I saw the sunrise from my bedroom window each morning - and the sunset at the beach was simply breathtaking.

This was more like a retreat than a vacation.  My brain, my emotions, my body and soul all had time to rejuvenate.  Counting my blessings, once again.