"Save the Last Dance for Me"

There is no easy way to say this...  Mike's cancer has spread.  It is now in his lung and the lymph nodes in his neck.  The doctors say it is in his blood stream and it will start popping up all over.   The oncologist, though very thorough, was extremely blunt.... I guess he wanted to prepare us for what's ahead.

Tell me, how do I prepare to watch half of me wither away?  How do I prepare my children to lose their father?  Can I prepare my granddaughters to say good-bye?  Is it really only going to be 10 more months?  Can he beat the odds?

Mike and I have been together since I am 19 years old.  I am not sure when I decided he was to be called Mr. Wonderful, but I am certain it was only after many years!!  Like many long time married couples, we have had our ups and downs, but more importantly, we have always held on to the commitment to love each other forever.

After so many years, our lives have become a sort of dance.  I wake early each day to go to work and he wakes up just enough to say, "Good morning, Beautiful.  Please be careful".  I feed and walk the dogs before I leave.  When he wakes, he takes care of the cats.  I handle the cooking and finances, he takes care of the house and the cars.  WE go food shopping.  WE do laundry.  WE clean the house.  WE run errands.  WE entertain.  WE visit the kids.  We talk on the phone several times a day, always have.... and we end EVERY phone conversation with "I love you"  - even if we are upset.

He holds doors for me.  He makes sure I have a full water bottle on my night table each night.  He holds my hand all the time -  He holds it extra tight when we cross a street.  He will never eat the last of anything, always leaving it just in case I want it.  He never gets himself a snack or a drink without asking if I want something, too.  In our entire marriage, he always insisted I drive the "better" car...

When Winter comes, he has candles lit and wood stacked in the fireplace, ready to be lit when I get home each day.  He will always get up early and clean my car should it have snowed in the middle of the night.  He will let a couple stray cats sleep in our garage when it is extra cold out - always  supplying them with a good meal and a clean litterbox.

In the Spring, he patiently waits for me to pick out any flowers I want for the front of the house and carefully prepares the soil for me to do the planting.   He does all the trimming, watering and weeding - and still gives me all the credit when everything blooms and looks so beautiful.

He loves having the kids visit, but he hates being the center of attention.  He is just happy knowing they are in the house.  I love that he hugs and kisses our sons just as much as he does our daughters.  He has always been a perfect gentleman in front of our kids.  Our boys have learned to be good husbands and our girls know they deserve to be treated with respect.  He is the most humble man I have ever known....

He has never put me on a pedestal, but he has ALWAYS held me in the highest regard.  Even now, with this saddest situation before us, he claims his biggest fear is leaving me alone.....

Each night I pray for God's mercy......

Maybe you can go back......

I guess I was a privileged child.  Growing up, we had 2 homes.  On the last day of school, we packed up the cars and drove an hour to New Jersey to our summer house, affectionately called, "The Lake".  It was a delightful 'lake community' where everyone knew each other.  My cousins had the house next door and my other cousins had a house about a mile away.  Whereas we never left the house when we were in our "regular" home, we spent nearly all of our waking hours outside the house when we went to "The Lake".

We met up with the same bunch of friends year after year.  Mornings were spent taking swimming lessons and afternoons were spent playing softball, volleyball, badminton or basketball.    After dinner each evening, we would all meet at the beach, once again, just to sit and talk.  On Friday nights, we all walked to the "hilltop" (a large empty building at the top of the hill) to watch a movie together.  In later years, I worked every summer at The Lake  through high school and college as a Lifeguard and the Hilltop became a 'makeshift dance club' on Saturday nights. Those were simpler times.... We really and truly "grew up" together.

In years to come, my parents sold the house at The Lake, but my Aunt and Uncle still kept their house next door.  Some of my cousins married and moved there permanently.  I took my kids there every summer for a week when they were growing up.  They, too, have fond memories of spending time with the cousins, going swimming each day, and roasting marshmallows each night as my Uncle made his infamous bonfires.

Once again, I will sing the praises of Facebook..... I recently reconnected with an old friend from so many years ago....  Bonnie, too, left her regular house and spent summers at "The Lake".  She lives approximately 10 minutes from me now, yet we have not seen each other in over 40 years.  We met at a local little bistro for a most delightful evening.  It was so good to rekindle those memories of such wonderful summers.  I am delighted to say that even after all these years, the evening was just so comfortable.  Our roots were planted firmly years ago: learning to swim, playing sports and coming of age.  Catching up was just a formality as the connection was just so strong.   The thing we both recalled with such sweetness, was the simplicity of life back then...... was it our youth or have things really changed so much?

40 years already, REALLY?

This past weekend was my 40th High School reunion.  I went to  Catholic School... miles away from my home.  I was bused there and back.  I certainly received a top notch education, but I missed out on a lot socially.  I was never able to join any clubs or sports as there was no way for me to get home if I did not take the bus after school.  It was hard to get close to classmates without attending these after school functions.

There were several reunions over the years - none of which I attended.  It seemed the timing was never right - and I was not sure if anyone would even remember me.

Then.... along come facebook!  First, let me say - I LOVE FACEBOOK!!!  I keep in contact with all my cousins' kids, who are too far away from me to visit regularly.  As a result, I feel as though we really do know each other and when we do get together, we are not just "distant cousins".

There was a "Maria Regina Class of 74" page - and I joined it.  As a result, I connected with nearly 100 past classmates.  It has been fun watching their lives unfold.  I've seen weddings, prayed for their family  members and anxiously awaited the arrival of some of their grandchildren.    SO, when the announcement came for a 40th reunion, I was not so hesitant this time.

Unfortunately, Mr. Wonderful's immune system is still so delicate and he is not supposed to be in any crowds.  I had no choice but to forego the big reunion bash on the Saturday night.  However, on Friday night, there was a gathering at a local pub as many people were traveling from out of sate and they wanted to make the most of the weekend.  I was so happy that I was able to attend this function!  It was so nice to hug those folks who I have come to know these past years..... It truly amazed me that 40 years ago, we all walked the same graduation path.

Empty Nest

It has taken nearly 37 years, but we now have an empty nest (that is, if you don't count the "four-footed kids").

Allison was the last one to leave.  Even though I hardly saw her as we worked opposite ends of the clock, I always knew she was there.  She did see her Dad everyday, though.  I thknk he misses her more than I do...

I understand some couples fear the empty nest - but I really don't understand why.  Having all the kids out means that they are all settled and stable.  As a bonus, they all seem relatively happy, too (most of the time!).

I often said that we should sell when the last kid moves out as we do not need such a big house, but I can't see us going anywhere soon.  We seem to have 'stuff' in every corner of  the house.  It will take years to toss out all the hidden treasures, as Mr. W never find a reason to throw away ANYTHING.  For now, we will stay put and just enjoy all the space.

I am so grateful to be marrried to my best friend.  How awesome is it to come home every afternoon to the one person who loves me more than anything?  We love our kids and there is nothing we would not do for them - but, for now, it is so sweet just to celebrate "our time".

Celebrating the mundane

As Mr. Wonderful continues to heal; slowly, but surely, we are settling into a sense of normalcy.

Our weeks are not dotted with doctor appointments.

Nightly dinners are no longer centered around what I can puree and add cream to in order to "up the calorie count".

There are other things to talk about with family and friends other than Mike's battle.

Storchevoy Sundays have returned where madness prevails along with good food and laughter.

Our "social calendar" is filling with happy events.

We have taken a wood delivery and have the fireplace readied for the cold months ahead.  We are looking forward to those toasty fires and serenity in the evenings.

This year has changed all of us.  I can only hope that our children recognize how precious life really is and learn to be grateful for the 'ordinary' days.

Gratitude Challenge

Reprinted from my Facebook page:

I have been nominated  to take the gratitude challenge. Each day, for the next five days, I will post three things for which I am grateful. 

Day 1

1. I am grateful for my husband - he is my strength, my soulmate, the love of my life.  

2. I am grateful for my children. They have become the best adults I know and I learn from them everyday. They make me a better person.

3. I am grateful for my extended family - (siblings, nephews, cousins) - we were all taught the true meaning of family at an early age and I am so grateful to be part of such a loving bunch of crazy people!


Day 2

1. I am grateful for my "old" friends. We have seen the best and the worst of each other throughout the years. We have stuck by each other and helped raise each other's kids. We can now revel in the joys of our grandchildren together. As the saying goes, "you can't make OLD friends". 

2. I am grateful for my "new" friends. God has put each of us together on... this path we walk for a reason. One day, we will be 'old' friends, too. 

3. I am grateful for the furry friends in my life: Brandy, the St. Bernard; Louie, the tea-cup yorkie; I.C., our 13 yr old blind cat; Pepper and Boo; the rescue cats that Mr. Wonderful picked up as dying kittens on the street; Sloan, the mutt we inherited from our daughter; and the 50 stray cats that Mr. Wonderful feeds each day. They have brought love and warmth into our home, not to mention the need for an industrial strength vacuum cleaner..... the staff at PetSmart see Mike so often, they think he works there!!

Day 3

1. I am thankful for my job. I love what I do and grateful that after 14 years, I still “whistle on my way to work” each day. I work with wonderful people who have become part of my extended family – they are like big brothers who will always watch over me.

 2. I am thankful that I believe in God. I think we all need a higher power to believe in when things here on earth go awry. I was sure to give my children a strong religious upbringing so they, too, would have the ability to give thanks, pray and find comfort in God. They all seem to have strong moral fiber and good ethics in all they do.

 3. I am thankful that we were always able to provide for our family. We always had a good roof over our heads and food to eat. We were always able to give the children all of what they needed and some of what they wanted.

Day 4

1. I am grateful to be living on Long Island, the greatest place on Earth! - We are minutes away from the water and less than an hour from NYC. I am blessed to have all my children live close by, as well. We have 4 seasons and I find something beautiful in each of them. 

2. I am thankful for the many talents that were passed down to me. Thanks to my grandmother, I can cook damn near anything. She also taught me how to iron before I was tall enough to reach an ironing board - I stood on an empty milk crate ironing handkerchiefs before I graduated to pillow cases!! Thanks to my dear Godmother who taught me to sew and crochet, also at an early age. It was when I was expecting our first granddaughter that I revived these hidden talents. 

3. I am thankful that my dad fostered a love of music in us. I can appreciate nearly all kinds of music, but my favorites are the golden oldies of yester-year - Sinatra, especially! I will forgive him for making me take accordion lessons all those years. I know I've paved my way into Heaven performing for all the relatives at family gatherings

Day 5

1. I am grateful that I am comfortable in my skin. I like who I am. I try to be a good person and make good decisions everyday. I work hard to put my head on my pillow each night knowing that I did my best each day.

2. I am thankful that we were volunteers as our children were growing up. They saw the time and effort we put into little league, scouting, religious education, and donating goods and services to all organizations. They all understand how important it is to "give back".

3. As Mr. Wonderful and I enjoy our empty nest, I am thankful that we are so content to just be together. We enjoy the mayhem when the whole gang is together just as much as we relish our quiet times. Home is the best place to be.....

Let's get married....again

We have been talking about renewing our wedding vows for quite some time.  Being on vacation with all the kids seemd like the perfect time to do so.

We each wrote our own vows and let go of everything else.  We left all the arrangements up to the kids, and they even surprised us with a photographer!


                 The girls made the bouquets:

                        The groom and his best man, Little Michael:

                       My Maid of Honor, Michelle:

 

                      Bobby, walking me down the aisle:

                     Allison presiding over "The Ceremony":

                   Exchange of vows:

Mike said his vows first: "I, Michael, take you Angela, to have and to hold from this day on.  In sickness, I promise to beat this annoyance I have right now.  In health, to make your gold years feel more like LEAD for another 36 years at least.  You are my best friend and my cheerleader, the power that keeps me going.  I love you now and forever".  [he had his vows written down on a slip of paper in his shirt pocket, but he recited them from memory]

 

Then it was my turn (slightly more long winded):  I, Angela, take you Michael, to honor and love from this day forward.  It has always been easy to love you when you say, "Good Morning, Beautiful" to me at the start of every day, or as you still open and hold doors for me, or when you reach for my hand whenever we are out walking, or when you take me shopping and patiently wait outside the dressing room with tons of clothes on your arms for me to try on.  Today, I promise to love you when you are NOT so perfect.  I promise to love you when you are hurting and when you are grouchy.  You are, and alway were, my one and only."

                    The happy couple:

 

 

                                    Me and "our boys"

                                                                    

                                     Mike and "our girls"

                       Our wedding cake - picture from original wedding 12/3/77

 

 

    Our first dance to "Color My World", just as we did the first time around

counting the days

The surgeons have made their plans.  Mr. W's fate is in their hands.  Thankfully, the CT Scan did not show a spread of the cancer, so the plan is quite aggressive to ensure the best possible outcome.

They will remove a portion of his tongue and do a re-construction with a "slab" of material from his forearm.  This will keep his tongue the correct length and also keep the tip of his tongue in the proper position.  Eventually, eating and speaking will be as close to "normal" as they can possibly get.

They will also do a neck dissection.  They will cut him from below his ear to the middle of his throat and remove 50-100 lymph nodes from as high up as his jawbone and as low as his shoulder.  

We will be in the hospital at least a week.  (I say "We" as I am not leaving his side!)  He will come back from surgery with a bandaged arm, a feeding tube, a tracheotomy, and several drains in his neck.  Hopefully, they will keep him heavily sedated for a day or two.

It is hard to believe that my husband, the love of my life, will have to endure yet another gruesome surgery.  I am proud to say that he is facing this head on, no complaints.  He is fighting this dreaded beast with all he's got.  

I am, once again, believing in the power of prayer to get us through this long, tough journey ahead.  I have faith.  We will come out of this hell and be grateful it is all behind us.  

Holding our breath once again....

After radiation therapy, Mike had numerous sores in his mouth.  This was expected and we were not worried.  His last treatment was early January.  In the beginning of March, he still had some persistent sores in his mouth, but the doctors were not alarmed.  Again, they expected this and gave him some anti-fungal medication (for thrush) to help ease the discomfort.  By the end of May, he still had one large sore on the bottom of his tongue.  He was in constant pain and eating was becoming such a painful chore.

We went to an ENT as he was losing hearing in his right ear as well.  Thankfully, he was confident he would be able to help his ear with antibiotics and the also gave him some anti-viral cream for his tongue as well.  He was sure that when we returned for our follow up visit, all would be cleared.  Well, his hearing returned, but his tongue was no better.  We were sent to an Oral Surgeon for a biopsy.  Results came back this week.  It is CANCER.

We are off to Sloan Kettering on Monday.  He will see the surgeon and have a CT Scan of his head and neck to see if any lymph nodes are involved.  At this time, all we know is that he needs surgery.  Hoping to have more answers by Monday afternoon.

The Internet has been a wealth of information, but at the same time, has given me a very realistic view of all the possible outcomes.

Although we are scared, I reminded Mike that we have been to Hell and back so many times, we could give guided tours.  We are about to head back in there, but as long as we are together, I am sure we will find our way out once again.

I am telling everyone I know about Mike's condition.  I believe in the power of prayer.  Please join us as we pray.

Wait, Summer is here??

I guess it is true when they say the older you get, the faster time flies.  I feel like it was just Mother's Day and now we are welcoming Summer!  Need to catch up on a few happenings:

Mother's Day was just delightful.  I cooked for Allison's staff, as I do every Mother's Day.

Then we were off to Michelle's for a wonderful afternoon.  The kids chipped in and presented me with a gift certificate to my favorite nursery.  When I look at all the flowers in front of my house, I am reminded of the love from my children.

My cousins and friends came for a visit one weekend.  We have been vacationing with them annually for 9 years.  This year, we had to cancel due to Mike's illness.  Our vacation buddies were so sweet as they brought along "Flat Angela" and "Flat Mike" and made us a photo album of all our adventures!  Such a lovely gesture.

Our beautiful Ava made her First Communion.  Ally is on the left, Ava on the right, wearing her sister's dress.  Where does the time go?

 

 

We celebrated Bobby's First Birthday in his house in grand style, as only this family can - a "Fiesta!"

 

 



 

This past Sunday we celebrated Father's Day.  Once again, Michelle hosted the gang: good food, good time....  The kids presented Mr. Wonderful with a "Weekend in Atlantic City and dinner at Carmines!"  I think we will schedule that for September and avoid the summer crowds.  Such a nice trip to look forward to...

 

Mike continues to heal and we all continue to count our blessings. 

 

"Here's to Summer and all the memories that this family will create!!"

 

Praise God!

We are all in "celebration mode".  Mike's Pet Scan came back clear.

Receiving that phone call was like getting a gift from God.  When I told Mike the results, he instinctively raised his head and offered a prayer.  I am not sure I have ever seen him do that before.

I am in awe of the support from our extended family.... We have been truly blessed.

Sc-anxiety

About 2 weeks ago I told Mike that I had such a nice dream about him.  His response was, "Was I healthy?"

Tomorrow morning my Mr. Wonderful goes for his first follow-up Pet Scan since his surgery.  It is as if he has been holding his breath for the last 4 months waiting for this day.  There are no words I can say to him to ease his anxiety.  I cannot even imagine what must be going through his mind.  Thankfully, we have a very early appointment and we will simply spend the day together afterwards.  He is always in a good frame of mind when we are together.

We will see his doctor next Thursday for results.  It will be a long week....

The Dog Whisperer

While Mr. W was out walking our pups the other night, he spotted a little dog wandering down the block.  He did the only thing he could possibly do.  He picked it up and brought it in the house.  It was raining terribly hard and the poor little thing was shaking like a leaf!

There was no collar on the pup, yet we were sure we had seen him in the neighborhood before.  I took his picture and sent it out to all my pet-friendly neighbors.  No one recognized him.

Well, you know how some people get in their car and look for a lost dog?  Mike got in his car and started driving around the neighborhood looking for the owners of this lost dog.  He was sure he would spot someone, walking in the rain, looking for him.  After about 15 minutes, he arrived back home and picked up the now dry pup.  Yes, he found the owners and returned him safely to his family.

He truly is a friend to all animals.... Reason #1002 that he is Mr. Wonderful.

Cure for Insomnia?

We had visitors at the house last week.  My sister came up from Florida and my mom came in from Guam (or some other God forsaken City in Eastern Long Island). 

It was so nice of the kids to stop by during the week to visit, too.  Allison took a few days off and even had a couple of her local friends visit, as well.  It was a cooking, eating, drinking party for several days. 

I am glad my mom and sis had such a nice vacation.  I went to work each morning, but left early each day - just to find the two of them still in their pj's when I got home!  Afterall, THEY were on vacation!

I think I discovered a cure for my insomnia while they were here.  After a long evening of good food and wine, I slept like a baby.  The next night was more food and assorted cocktails, I slept all night through.  Another night was more wine and lots of laughs.  I suffered my insomnia again when my guests headed home.  I guess having my sister around is a sure bet for a full night's sleep!

Looking forward to my mundane life this week.  Mr. Wonderful and I are very happy just being in our home together.  Sometimes, the serenity is just so soothing. 

Mother Nature's Magic?

So, our long awaited Spring has arrived.  Just like that, I am packing away my boots and scarves!  I am mentally preparing myself for what lies ahead.

I am making a mental note to wash the 4 curtains in my house ASAP  (my version of Spring cleaning).  I think I have to pack away the snowman that stands on my mantle, too.  He needs to catch up on his rest for next Winter!

Time to pack away the firplace utensils and the leftover firewood.  No more fires until next Winter!

Time to start planning the placement of my spring plantings.  I long to see some color on my property.  The brighter, the better.  It will be a solid 6 weeks before I can break any soil, but I like to plan and be prepared.  I like to changes things up each year both with colors and types of flowers.

Also time to thin out the wardrobe.  I guess it is time to move those hooded sweatshirts into another closet, as well.  Have to go dust off our bikes and fill those tires with air - I LOVE bike riding in the Spring - not too hot, not too cold.

Spring represents all things new.  Just like THAT (snap your fingers) we will all be in a better frame of mind as we prepare for all the good things that Spring has to offer.

Reality

We went to go visit my mom this past weekend.  She is 83.  We had not been out there since before last Summer, as my weekend are devoted to my immediate family.  We do see her on holidays as my brother will always pick her up when we are getting together.

As I reflect on the visit, seeing my husband and my mom in the same room, I am reminded that life is fragile and old age is a privilege.  If there was ever a wake-up call to take better care of myself now, THIS WAS IT.  I am bound and determined to be as independent as possible and not rely on my kids for my daily existence if I am lucky enough to live to a ripe old age.  That means I have to lift my ass out of the chair now and get moving.

I will never go to a gym, so I must find ways of being less sedentary.  Last week, Mr. W. moved the treadmill from the laundry room to the downstairs den, in front of the TV.  I dusted off the cobwebs and thanked him.  Haven't been down there since.  Not sure what my aversion is to exercise.  I think it is just a matter of getting into a routine.  I have a routine now and it does not include sweating while working my ass off and going nowhere.

I can make logical arguments for getting on that treadmill - but, as any great debater well knows, I can make an equal argument for staying the hell off that dreaded machine!  I think the winning argument may include less clothes, a scale and a mirror.....

Spring is on the Horizon!

Well, it's been over a month since I've posted anything.  And, as they say, "no news is good news."  Whereas Mr. W's forward progression has come to a snail's pace, at least he is not moving backwards.  Sometimes, he gets frustrated with himself, but I always remind him how lucky we were and how awful this could have turned out.

Bobby and Suse have a new puppy, "Bailey", a happy-go-lucky yellow lab.  Thankfully, they live pretty close to us as it is Mr. W's job to visit her everyday and take her for a walk while they are working.  Being that he is the official "Dog Whisperer" in our family, this is something he does everyday with a smile.  It is good for him to have something to do rather than just go to the doctor.

I know I often sing the praises of all 4 seasons, but this Winter has been especially rough on everyone.  I am grateful that our snowblower is in tip-top shape and that Mike has been able to go out there and use it!

I am celebrating the coming of Spring with a great effort to give away, throw away, shred, etc. almost anything I can put my hands on these days.  When did we become such pack rats?  (and by "we", I mean "HE").  I keep telling him, "Make believe we are going to move.  If we are not taking it to our new house, let's throw it away NOW!"  It's a losing battle.  I have succumbed to going in his closet and hiding things in the garbage every other day - LOL!!   I am not sentimental when it comes to "stuff".  I have my memories, and photographs, and a few trinkets that commemorate special times, but other than that - I can easily toss the clutter.  It's a work in progress... a thankless job.

Just 2 more weeks until Spring arrives....
Mike will continue healing...
I will continue my de-cluttering...
Bailey will continue growing...
And Life goes on...

Mr. Wonderful's Update

Yesterday started week 3 post treatment.  True to form, a day after week 2, Mike's appetite slowly started to return.  The meeting with the Radiologist last Friday was so positive.  He was too pleased with the waning residual effects of the radiation.  There are still some long lasting things to deal with, but that is a small price to pay to be rid of this beast.

They scheduled a follow-up Pet Scan for May 2.  It is hard not to think about what that scan may show.  I realize now that this is our "new normal".  We have to take each day as it comes and enjoy all that life has to offer - as none of us knows what tomorrow will bring.  I work very hard to push fear out of my way each morning.  I tell myself, "I will not worry until I am told there is something to worry about." 

Mike continues to have a positive outlook.  He was determined to do all that he could to fight this disease.  He is the "polar opposite" of a morning person, yet he rose every morning at 4:00am with no provocation from me.  This, to me, was proof positive that he was serious about battling this.  He told me, simply, that he was not ready to die.   You gotta love that optimism!

I am making a valiant effort to slow down.  I have (once again) removed caffeine from my diet and I am working real hard not to "live by the clock".  I am bound and determined to enjoy each day. 

Happy Birthday, Alexandra Michelle

As my first grandchild is about to turn 12, I am flooded with memories and emotions that I decided needed to be written down for posterity....

To my Dear Ally,

I remember so well waiting for you to be born.  We all sat in the waiting room while your mom was in labor.  So many hours later, we were told you would be delivered via C-Section.  I was so happy that you were finally going to be here without any more stress on you or your mom.  Your dad came out and announced your arrival and we all hugged and kissed and cried!  After a quick peak at you, he sent everyone home, but Papa and I waited around and went to go see your mom to tell her how beautiful you were and what a good job she did.  My life changed forever that day.

I made my best effort to come see you every single day.  I would rush home from work and Papa and I would hop in the car and I would yell - "faster, faster!"  I could not wait to get there to see you and hold you.  I sang the same little lullabye every time I came into your room.  Soon, you would hear that song and start squealing with laughter because you knew I was there.  I always called you "grandma's good girl" - and in turn, you named me, "Guga".

Although "Papa" was your first word (yes, Papa, not mama, not dada), in my heart I knew I was your favorite person in the whole wide world!  We had such a special bond right away.  I was there for all your "firsts" - first tooth, first word, first step, first haircut, FIRST EVERYTHING!

I remember Papa and I coming to visit you and you saw us through your front door walking up thesteps.  You started to jump up and down, clap your hands and scream with delight!  I told Papa, "No one loves us like Ally does!!"

Ally, I saw the world differently when you came along.  When I was raising your aunts and uncles, I was too busy tending to their needs.  When you came along, I was only responsible for loving you and keeping you safe.  You taught me to slow down and notice the flowers and the summer moon - things your Papa had been trying to do for years!  I would take you bike riding - you on the back of my bike and you would point out the smallest detail in nature.  Papa and I go bike riding now - he does the same thing and it always reminds me of you. 

I have a picture in my bedroom of you and Papa when he took you kite flying.  I can hear your laughter when I look at that photo.  You were so amazed and so excited as you yelled, "Higher, Papa, higher!!"

AND, my favorite memory EVER:  You were 2 yrs old and your father reprimanded you for something and you called him a JACKASS!  He was so angry with you that he put you on the steps for a 2 minute "time out".   I was watching the time count down and was so sad for you.  When time was up, your dad asked you if you were ready to apologize.  You nodded your head, got up and proclaimed, "I am sorry you are a jackass, Daddy!"  Recalling this story always makes me laugh out loud.

For years, I made all your Halloween costumes and "special clothes" for Summer camp.  My sewing machine was going all the time!  One year I made Raggedy Ann and Andy costumes for you and your friend Olivia.  I think that was my favorite project.

We took a  family trip to Hershey one year.  You begged to stay in our room and even though there were 2 beds, you, me and Papa all slept in the same bed - with ME in the middle!!  You and Papa slept great....

Not sure you know this, but every night at 7:30 pm an alarm goes off on my phone.  A screen appears that says, "Good night, Ally and Ava."  And for that instant, I am sending you both all my love and wishing you both pleasant dreams.

There will be other grandchildren (Ava, for instance),  and they, too,  will be loved with all my heart.  They will be special in their own way.... But, there can only be ONE First grandchild, and that is you, my love.

"I carry your heart with me.  I carry it in my heart."

Happy Birthday, Ally.
Love, Guga

Christmas Angels

My beautiful granddaughters

Ally nearly 12
Ava 7 1/2

"I carry your hearts with me...  I carry them in my heart"

And now we heal...

Mike finished his last treatment yesterday.  It was a LONG 6+ weeks, but it is over.   God bless Allison who drove him these last couple weeks as he was too weak to go it alone.  They would both get up at 4:00am to make that trek into the city.  On his good days, he would critique her driving skills.  On his "not-so-good" days, he would just sleep back and forth.  Happy to say, they have both survived the experience and I am sure they have pockets full of memories, as well.

Brandy nudged me at 4:00am this morning.... I forgot to let her know that we don't have to get moving that early anymore.  She was a good pup and went right back to sleep as I told her, "Not today, Brandy."

The doctor said Mike's side effects will worsen these next 2 weeks, then begin to wane.  You know the expression, "When you are going through hell, KEEP GOING!" - So, that is what we will do - we will look ahead, taking one day at a time...and we will eventually get on the "healing path".  They will do another scan in 4 months. 

I am not sure if this experience has 'changed' us or just helped to elevate other emotions that have been sitting idle.  I see the kids working together, but then again, they always have, I just never really paid attention to it.  I see Mike and I grateful for each day together, but we never took our lives for granted.  We felt the outpouring of love and caring from friends and extended family..... I am sure it was all there before, but they all came through with cards, texts, emails, phone calls, etc. when we needed it most.

My Mr. Wonderful is a humble man.  He would tear up with every gesture of support.  He is both awed and grateful by the attention.

I will shout it from the highest mountain, :THANK YOU to everyone who held us up when we were struggling to make it through the day.

Below is a picture of the mask that Mike wore during his treatments.  He was bolted down to the table each day.