Kissing 2019 Good-bye!

I originally wanted to title this post, "When Grief Subsides".... but that hasn't happened yet.  And I've come to realize that it may never subside.  It will just be a part of who I am now.  But I have successfully learned how to put it in a box, on a high shelf in my brain....seldom to be opened. 

This has been an interesting holiday season.  Lots of ups and downs, laughter and tears.  It was a joy to see my grandchildren squeal with delight as they opened their presents.  It is always fun to be around my irreverent children as they find humor in every little thing (nothing is sacred or off limits).  And my tears would flow at the most inopportune moments, for no conventional reason. 

I can think of lots of things that were crappy in 2019, but I decided it is better to reflect on what was good:  

• My newest granddaughter, Riley, arrived.  She is a joy and helps heal my heart
• I bought a new car - one that I picked out ALONE
• I bought a house  - MY HOME.  It is a constant reminder that I am ok
• I realized how blessed I was to be able to rely on the strong faith of others to get me through some dark days
• I saw how old friends gathered around me when I needed them most... just to share a laugh
• I met some wonderful new neighbors that quickly became friends/extended family
• I have learned that I am a LOT stronger than I ever dreamt I could be

Although I can see my many blessing of this past year, I am very happy to put it all to rest and begin a new year with anticipation of the good things that await me.  Yes, I am starting 2020 with hope and a smile.

Happy(?) Anniversary

Today, Mr. Wonderful and I would have celebrated our 42nd wedding anniversary.  We celebrated 38 of them together.  Today, I celebrate it alone.

I woke up with a flood of memories  - both good and "not so good".  You can't re-write history.  We were 2 crazy, love-struck kids when we got married.  We were young, poor, and full of dreams.  Family was always our top priority.  It is hard for me to remember what life was like before we were together.  I am so glad we stuck it out through good times and bad times, richer and poorer, sickness and health (and we had it all!).  It wasn't always easy, but we both worked at it everyday.  There is no doubt about the love we had for each other.

I always told our kids that marriage was not 50/50 - Divorce is 50/50!  I told them to please enter into marriage expecting to give 90% and only get back 10%, and they will never be disappointed.  I was lucky.... I always got back more than I expected. 

Happy Anniversary, Mr. Wonderful.  Thanks for the memories.  

You can't make Old Friends

Had some old friends over this past weekend.  I like to call them the "High School Crew".  I am blessed to have these women in my life now.  High School is a blur to me...  We are all grown up now and our lives have nicely intertwined.

Through the wonders of Facebook, we celebrate every milestone in each other's lives - weddings, births, retirements, etc. -  as we do with all our other FB 'Friends'.   But, this group is unique because we provide a safe place to vent, rant, rave, grieve and anything else we need to do - and we support each other unconditionally.  (This is definitely NOT High School behavior.)   

We've been getting together regularly for over 4 years now - trips, plays, museums, dinners, wakes  - or just gathering to chat.  Sometimes, we are a crowd, sometimes, just a handful.  It doesn't matter if we've seen each other last week or last year.  We all know we are welcome, any time.

I am honored to be one of these women who have never ending space in their hearts to take on the joys and sorrows of each other.  

I wonder what's next?

I am in my new home for nearly 3 weeks and so pleased to say it has felt like "home" from day one.  Within 3 days, each box was emptied and I met every surrounding neighbor.  

Brandy and I have settled into a routine and I am surrounded by serenity.  I continue to start each day by being grateful for my blessings.

The past couple days, I found myself looking back at the events of the past 4 years.  In retrospect, there have been so many highs and lows.... I only allowed myself a brief dip in the pity pool even though the "lows" were devastating as the "highs" were plentiful.

I am blessed to have been deeply loved by two wonderful men.  I am honored to have held them both as they left this world.  I am part of their fairy tale.  Their fairy tale had a happy ending as they lived happily ever after....  

My story is not over yet.

Peace comes from within

I thought I knew how to grieve - apparently NOT!

When Mr. Wonderful died, I ran the gamut - I cried, I got angry, I made peace.... I did that over and over until acceptance kicked in.  So, naturally, when the Prince died, I figured it would be the same way.  I was SO wrong.

I cry and I get angry - but there has been no peace.... 

My kids are mourning the loss of a wonderful man who made their mother smile, a man who became their friend, a man who became a grandfather to their children  - in essence, a man they truly loved and loved them back.   They are surrounding me with support and a fierce will to protect me.  They understand my second loss in 4 years and are fearful of me spiraling into a black hole of depression.

So why don't I have peace?   I could get all philosophical here... but the truth is, peace comes from within.   I finally put the pieces together:  

• I cannot have peace when my kids are worried about me.  I need to show them that I am okay.

• I cannot have peace while I am living in what used to be "our home".  Whereas the Prince made it clear to his children that I am permitted to live here for as long as I want; when he died it ceased being "our home".  It is now an empty shell... a piece of real estate to be sold to the highest bidder. 

Today, I close on my new home.  A home I purchased by myself for myself.  Today, I will show the world (and my kids) that I am okay.  As that old saying goes, "Today is truly the first day of the rest of my life.... my new life."  

Today, I am at peace.

The "good-bye" I could not say....

The following farewell was written by daughter for My Prince:

Good evening.  For those of you who do not know me, I am Allison, Angela's daughter.

We are all here today to celebrate the life of Dennis.  I know I can speak on behalf of my mother and my family when I say we just wish we could have been a part of it for many more years.

I also believe that I speak for everyone when I say "thank you".  I feel that Dennis would be so proud of the respect you have all shown him be being here today and honored by your presence.

Angela and Dennis would often read quietly together, and sometimes silence is just as valuable as shared words.  It made me think of something I once read:  "You can't skip chapters, that's not how life works.  You have to read every line, meet every character.  You won't enjoy all of it.  Hell, some chapters will make you cry for weeks.  You will read things that you don't want to read, you will have moments when you don't want the pages to end.  But you have to keep going.  Stories keep the world revolving.  Live yours, don't miss out".

That's exactly what Angela and Dennis did.  They lived their story.  They were both brave enough to keep going.  And because of their bravery,  and the love and strength in their hearts, they got a bonus chapter that most of us will never be lucky enough to read for ourselves.  The love they shared was life changing.  Their chapter was a true love story, there is no denying that.  And now we will continue with our own stories, albeit heavy hearted.... but, we are all grateful that Dennis was a part of ours.  He has touched each of us in his own special way and we will forever treasure those memories.

Thank you  for letting me share my thoughts and feelings with all of you.  

"Dennis, you may be gone from our arms, but we will forever hold you in our hearts"

Sometimes, the fairy tale has a sad ending...

The Prince is losing his battle with Multiple Myeloma.  It is so hard for me to comprehend that in October there was "no evidence of disease"... and now this.

I have no words... I am numb... I am frozen in time.  Can I take care of him until he takes his last breath?  OF COURSE I CAN.   Can I understand why we are on this path?  NOT EVEN FOR A MINUTE.

Family and friends have been so supportive... so warm and loving.  They all say the same thing to me "I am so heartbroken for you two".... Please, please do not let us be the source of your heartbreak.  When you think of us, please think of the wonderful life we enjoyed, albeit short.  We were given this chance at love and laughter everyday for the past 3 years.  

When I think of Dennis, I will remember all the little things that made us laugh.  He reads me the paper every morning - starting with the back page and moving forward.  I know more about hockey, golf, baseball and football than any woman has a right to know.  My personal favorite is the way he LOVES to read me the obituaries - and if he sees the last name of "Jones", he swears he worked with that guy's relative - because there  is only one Jones family on Long Island, right?  We carefully navigate the puzzle page, some he does, some I do and some we do together.  

He has an incredible thirst for minutia!  Something would pop into his mind and he would research it all day and give me a full report: ex. what island in the South Pacific has the best vegetation -  He studied this stuff like he was going to be a Jeopardy contestant and this was going to be the final question!

He loves music - well, not all music - he loves HIS music - We danced in the kitchen and sang on long car rides.  We took dance class for 3 semesters - always the beginner class.  we figured at some point we would be the best in the class..... that never happened!!

He has taught me so much about life... most importantly, he showed me that I was capable of falling in love again.  He truly earned the title of "Prince".

(Dennis died 4 days after this post....)

I'm making Chicken Piccata

So life has thrown me quite a few curve balls lately.  My emotional, soft side wants to cry, lament and have a month long pity party.  My strong, calculating side is constantly figuring the odds and finding solutions for problems that haven't even come up yet.

I have a couple fool proof strategies that I follow (and have taught my kids to do):

1.  Sure, the road is not what I had anticipated right now.  What is the WORST case scenario?  THINK!  No, not that - I said the WORST CASE!  Yes, ok, now you know how to play this game.  Now you have permission to lose a couple nights' sleep as you figure out possible ways to deal with this worst case.

2.  Sure, the road is not what I had anticipated right now.  (See Step #1) - Think about the first solution - now TURN THE PAGE - "Can I live with the outcome after I implement this first solution?"

3.  Sure, the road is not what I had anticipated right now.  Repeat Step #2 with all possible solutions.

4.  Sure, the road is not what I had anticipated right now.   Pray.  Then pray some more.  Some people have unyielding faith, I am not so blessed.  I have to work at it.  So I pray..... and sometimes, my prayer is simply, "Lord, I can't wait to see how YOU do this!"

5. Sure, the road is not what I had anticipated right now.   Last Step: Gather some recipes that use lemons.  Rest assured, this is not the first time life has thrown you a basket full of citrus and you can only drink so much lemonade.

What? Me Strong??

Someone recently said to me, "You are so strong!"

At the time, I laughed it off.  What exactly is the definition of "strong"?  Able to lift massive weights?  Being unyielding to outside pressures?  The ability to carry things for a long distance?  

How do I define "strong"?
-The will to live my life, day after day, no matter what obstacles are in my path.  To get up each morning and do what needs to be done to have a productive day (and sometimes, 'productive' means just remembering to breathe).

There is no perfect way to do this.  We are all just making it up as we go along.  Some of us are better actors than others.... and that gets misinterpreted as strong. 

So, if you see me walking and I smile when we meet - just hug me..... I need the endorphins so I can  appear strong to anyone who is looking.

If you are lucky, motherhood leads into grand-motherhood...

Our newest family member was born yesterday  - Happy Birthday, Riley!!  You are so lucky to have been born into this crazy family!!

Holding her yesterday just brought such a flood of emotions.  THIS is what life is all about.  Houses, cars, money - they don't mean a thing without the love of family.  As I looked at her gorgeous face, my brain did a quick flashback though my own life and all that has happened since I first gave birth nearly 40 (YIKES!) years ago.

"Motherhood" is my longest profession.  It has been a process with a crazy learning curve.  Every stage of my children's lives also included a growth spurt in my life.  I soon came to learn that no 2 children are alike - ever - at any time.    I am guessing that is why there is no "right way" to parent.  We all, at times, just fly by the seat of our pants and hope for the best - and we pray.... a lot!

I can't help but look back to where I was and where I am now - and my role as a mother today.  In the recent past, there were times when I have had to lean on my kids instead of being the "ROCK" I always thought I needed to be.  I am a far cry from the mom who could fix everything with a kiss (or a meatball).  But my children are also a long way from the kids they once were.  Thankfully, we all survived their teen years - because their adult years are way better to watch.

Being a grandparent is certainly a blessing..... and a gift for all the lectures, lessons, discipline, open school nights,  sports/scouting events...... It wasn't always easy, but it was worth the effort. 

sometimes, you just have to keep going

It's been a while since I've posted - for good reasons!

We left on my birthday (Jan 5) for our highly anticipated 10 day vacation to the Dominican Republic.  We were looking forward to laying in the sun, reading and relaxing - the things we do best!  We arrived that Saturday afternoon and had the most wonderful time.  We had a simple lunch, a wonderful dinner and danced under the stars to the live music.  We were in paradise!

The next day, after our room service breakfast, we ventured up to our private rooftop deck and pool.  My Prince started to enter the pool when his foot slipped on the steps - he took quite a tumble!  In order to spare all the gory details, I'll just cut to the chase.  He broke his left humerus.  We spent 2 days in the hospital, then arranged to come home as he needed surgery to repair it.

Shortly after his surgery, we were made aware that his Multiple Myeloma (which had been in remission) was back with a vengeance.   He is now receiving state of the art treatment (immunotherapy).  Asking my faithful readers for prayers,,,,

January had been an eventual month - One must remember that all events are not always reasons to celebrate...

No need to look back.... I am concentrating on the road ahead....