Storchevoy "Wednesday"?

Allison invited everyone to my house last night for a Christmas Wrapping/Pizza party - we were to do HER wrapping - LOL!! ....and we did - and by "WE" I mean Suse and I.  Allie took care of everything.  She brought liquid encouragement,  appetizers and she provided the pizza later on.

While us girls were busy little elves in the dining room, the boys were very busy in the kitchen preparing appetizers for us.  I couldn't help but giggle when I saw Bobby searching for just the right platter to serve up the goodies.

This evening was an early Christmas gift to me.  I paid careful attention to their chatter and was just astounded at the things they could find to talk and laugh about!

They critiqued the appetizers:
A date, stuffed with goat cheese and wrapped in bacon:  "The ratio of bacon to date was incorrect,"  "Agreed! There should have been more bacon."  "There should have been a more pungent goat cheese in there."  "The date was too sweet!"

Hot dog rolled in puff pastry:  "These are the best - they roll them in parmesan"  "Are you really dunking that in ketchup"  "Don't judge me!"

Mozzarella sticks:  "Why did they explode?  they are flat!"  "I did that on purpose in case Allison wanted to make a sandwich with them"

Then they started on the stray cats and the weather:
"Do you believe that little cat still comes around here?  He was sleeping on the front steps when I got here and he never moved."

"Dad let that cat sleep in the garage the last 4 Winters!  He is wondering why Mom won't let him in there!"

"That's why we are having a mild Winter - Dad figured the cats would never survive a cold winter and mom would never let any of them take refuge in the garage. You know how dad LOVED 'weather' - he ordered a warm front for his cats!"

Is there anything better than witnessing my kids  find a silly reason to get together and just enjoy each other's company?  To some, this may be a Christmas Miracle - but, not to me.  I am blessed to say, this is just my life.

that moment.....

I am sure it is no surprise that it's been a rough couple weeks.  The surprise is that it is not because the holidays are upon us.

Out of the blue, a realization came over me..... "no one will ever again love me like he did".  I did not call him Mr. Wonderful for nothing!  That man adored the ground I walked on.  He put me first - EVERY SINGLE DAY.  He put me before himself and our kids.  In turn, I put him first in my life every waking moment.  Next realization, "I will never get to love like that again".  I lived over 2/3 of my life thinking this was the norm.....

Sure, I am cranky now - who wouldn't be after such a life change.  Not only did I lose my best friend, my partner in life - I lost that one person who thought "I" was wonderful.  I am hearing from so many people that what I had was not reality.... WHO SAYS?????  It was MY reality! 

There seems to be no end to the tears these days.  Losing the physical part of Mike was so hard, so sad.   But, intellectually, I knew the "physical" Mike had to go, he did not deserve to suffer one more minute.  I understand now that I am coming home to an empty house and sleeping in our bed alone.  There are no more 'date nights'... no more sitting in front of the fire, holding hands... no more togetherness.

The emotional loss is setting in now.  There is no rationalizing this loss.  

December 3, any year

December 3 was my wedding anniversary - "our anniversary".... So strange for the day to come and go without him by my side.

Some people said, "Think of the happy times" - as if that would ease the pain.  There were so many happy times - all that did was make me miss him more.

Some said, "You were lucky to have all those years" - as if luck had anything to do with the longevity of our marriage.

I am a realist and I know that all the time, effort and energy put into making our marriage a good one was worth every bit of the work.  There was no luck involved and we earned all those happy times.
December 3 will always be "our anniversary" - but it will never be a "Happy Anniversary" again.

I am a survivor.  I will get through this and anything else that is tossed in the path of my life.  I always knew I would... I just didn't think I would be doing it alone.

To My Sons

Dear Michael and Bobby,

Everyone knows there is a special bond between mothers and their sons.  That being said, I challenge any mother to try to compare their sons to mine.  In my eyes, they will all fail in comparison, I assure you.

Just like your father, you are both FAR from perfect - but, to me, you are gifts from God - born of the love between your Dad and I,   It's not that I ever took either of you for granted, but lately I have come to realize just what fine men you have become - right before my eyes!

I always thought of myself as a strong, intelligent woman who walked side-by-side with your father.    It is certainly true that since I am alone,  I have had my ups and downs,  It never ceases to amaze me how the two of you seem to be there every time I have stumbled or became temporarily unsure of myself.

I have also witnessed how close the two of you have become.  You are no longer the older brother and the baby brother.  I have seen you switch roles and depend on each other for different things.  I have noticed how you "tag-team" to keep an eye on me.  And it cracks me up when the two of you try to determine what is "best for me"!

Whereas everyday is a adventure for me in defining my "new normal", it has been comforting knowing that you two have always 'got my back'.

All that being said.... it is time for me to go back to being the MOM.  You  have been more than loving and attentive, but it is time for you to put your spouses back as your number one priority.  I promise to rely on you and lean on you when I need you.  I will continue to discuss all important matters with you both, and listen as you give me your feedback.  I promise to relent to your judgement when it comes to your individual matters of expertise.  I see you differently now; you are both extraordinary men who just happen to be my sons.

Most importantly, I make this promise to you: I will continue to work on myself to return to that self-assured, independent woman you have known all these years.

Love you always.
Mom

Revelation

I cried because I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together ....

Then I smiled because I realized he spent the rest of his life with me.

Happy (?) Thanksgiving

Dear Mike

It has been nearly 6 months since that fateful day.  Do you think it is a coincidence that your 6 month anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year?  I think this is just another example of God's sense of humor.  As I am especially grateful every Thanksgiving, I guess I need to decide what I can be grateful for after such an eventful year:

I am thankful that when we met, we fell so deeply in love.  We were committed to each other right from the very start.  I remember our first fight - I thought you were going to walk away from me.  You just laughed at me and said, "We are fighting, silly!  We have to fight once in a while so we can make up!"  Thank you for teaching me that fighting was an inevitable part of our marriage - as was MAKING UP!  This was an important lesson for our kids, too.

I am thankful for us making a pact all those years ago  - You just had to take care of me and I would take care of everyone and everything else.  You truly held up your end of the bargain.  I had no idea what a princess I was until you were no longer here taking care of me.  I am strong and confident.  I know now that I will be ok without you by my side because you will always be in my heart.

I am thankful that having kids was never an issue with us and we raised 5 of them - and I am grateful that I was able to be a 'stay-at-home-mom' while they were young.  We were never flush with funds, but we managed to always make ends meet and give the kids the most wonderful Christmas mornings.

I am thankful that we always put our children first - but never between us.  We always remained a united front, no matter what the issue with the kids - whether we agreed with each other or not, the kids could never pit us against each other.  WE were a force NOT to be reckoned with!!  As adults, they all understand now what a team we were.

I am thankful that our household always contained more than our share of furry friends.  Well, to be honest, I am glad the kids grew up learning to live with pups and kittens - I'm not going to lie - it was really a pain in the ass for me most of the time - but it was a wonderful way for our kids to grow up.

I am so thankful for all the little things you did that never went unnoticed by our kids.  I am reminded, all the time, of your kind ways as the kids all repeat your actions and talk about you..... I hear them saying "I love you" to each other and their partners.  I see them hug and kiss each other - even if they just saw each other yesterday.  They retell stories of your silliness over and over.  We all laugh from our bellies!  They all do imitations of you at the strangest times - and it just warms my heart.  They repeat your crazy phrases and make each other giggle.

On this 6 month anniversary of the saddest day of my life, I am thankful that even though my heart is broken, I can feel the healing begin.

Your loving wife.

Who's the boss

Conversation #1 from Storchevoy Sunday:

Michael:   Mom really should look at the Hyundai Genesis

Bobby:  She's getting an Audi!

Michael:  She doesn't like the Audi anymore.  It has too rough of a ride - she wants comfort now.  The Genesis will offer her that.

Bobby:  Dad would NEVER want Mom to drive a Hyundai



Conversation #2 from Storchevoy Sunday:

Bobby:  Mom, what are you doing with the carpet downstairs?

Me:  I will have someone come in after the Winter and shampoo it for me.

Michael:  Mom, even after you shampoo it, the same thing is gonna happen.

Me:  No, it won't - neither of you live here anymore.  No one eats or drinks down there.  The carpet will stay nice.

Bobby:  We are getting rid of that carpet.  You are putting in ceramic tile.



ME:  WHO DIED AND LEFT THEM TWO BOSS????

Helpful advice to others.....

Things NOT to say to a new widow:

How are you? - How am I???    I lost my partner, my right hand, the left side of my heart!  How do you THINK I am??  There is simply no way to answer this question honestly without going into a long diatribe.  So, inevitably, I will look you in the eye and say, "I'm fine" - but, please do not think that this is how I REALLY am.

He's in a better place. -  Simply put, you will never convince me that there is a better place than right by my side.  I know you mean well, but this is not a soothing sentiment.

You are so strong. - No, really, I am not.  I am just trying to keep my emotions under control.  No one wants to be near a sad, crying woman with a broken heart.  I need to keep it together for my children.  They lost their father, they need to see that their mother is functioning.  They need to grieve with a peaceful heart.  I cannot add to their sadness now.  I am not strong, I am just a good mom.  When I am alone, I am sad and broken - the polar opposite of strong.

This will get better in time. - Really?  And how much time do you think I need to set aside for this to happen?  Can I set my clock?  Put it on my calendar??

Soon, you will be back to normal. - There is no returning to 'normal' for me.  I must find a NEW normal.  Did you forget that the other half of "us" is now gone??  Every part of the last 39 years will never happen again.

I know how you feel, I lost my father, brother, friend, etc. - Unless you lost your spouse, you will NEVER know how I feel.  I know you mean well, but it is just insulting.


Things TO SAY to a new widow:

I was so sorry to hear about your husband -  If you haven't seen me since he died, do not hesitate to express your sympathy.  You are not reminding me that he died, I will never forget it.  It is comforting to have others acknowledge his passing.

Tell me about his last days. - I want you to know how peaceful his passing was.  It is healing for me to retell the events over and over.  It helps me to make sense of my grief.

Tell me the story of how you met. - I want to reminisce and remember the first time my heart was full.  I want to replace the pain in my heart with the joy that was once there, even if it is just for a moment.

I remember...... (tell me something you remember about my husband) - My heart swells with love when you talk to me about a fond memory.  It tells me that his life mattered to others, too.

What is the hardest part of the day? - This answer will change daily.  This will help me to realize that I am not stuck in one place, that I am trying to adjust to my new life.

What makes you smile these days?  This will help me to remember that there are still reasons to smile.  A broken heart can still feel joy at times.

Just sayin'.......

Storchevoy Sundays are back!

Storchevoy Sundays have resumed at my house.  Thankfully, the kids hosted it all Summer long (and by 'the kids', I mean Allison and Lisa).  However, as the cooler weather crept in, my youngest son boldly said to me, "This house is not closed.  We are coming for dinner on Sunday."  I guess he told me!

We are now a couple weeks back on track.  I find myself excited to cook for the kids once again.  I love to cook, and I haven't done so in a while.  I rarely 'cook' for myself during the week, but there is always healthy food in the fridge.  I am managing NOT to waste away - LOL!  By the end of the week, I am planning a menu and on Saturdays I shop for the inevitable feast.

Throughout the years, I have learned that it does not matter what I serve the family as long as we are together.  This being said, I do try to make a LOT of whatever I am cooking so they can all take home a meal of leftovers  and I have some stuff to  nibble on during the week.  Last week, I went to 3 different stores and loaded up the Jeep - then I called Michael and asked him to meet me at the house just to carry the groceries in for me as my broken ankle makes the steps such a challenge, still.

Last Sunday, the kids huddled around the kitchen counter for hours, just nibbling, talking and laughing.  My heart swelled as I embraced their camaraderie.  We all entered the dining room for dinner and the kids cleaned up as I packed up their leftovers.  Everything flowed just so smoothly.  I realized that we had developed our own "kitchen dance".

Storchevoy Sundays are just a little different now.  I cook alone and  I sit at the head of the table.  But the love that permeates the house is still the same.  If you see me counting on my fingers, I am just taking note of all my blessings.

Fearless

I recently took a trip to Florida.  The weather in New York was promising to be anything but sunny, so the timing was perfect.  The charts at the airport reported my departing flight to be on time - YAY!!!  I am happy to say that we did, indeed, board on time.

The problems started at the runway.  There were approximately 4500 planes that had to take off before us (or so it seemed).  We sat on that runway for over an hour - I wonder if Jet Blue still considered this an "on time" flight?!?!?

There were lots of 'weather issues' in the surrounding area, all headed for New York.  Whereas the eventual take off  was uneventful, the ascent to our cruising altitude left much to be desired.  There was non-stop bouncing and lots of funny sounds - it seemed to take forever.  In the past, an experience like this would always result in me holding on tight and saying my prayers.  Not this time...  This time was different.

During this rocky climb, I did grasp the seat arms to steady myself, but mostly I just stared out the window.  I realized, at that moment, that I was not afraid to face demise.  To quote a friend, "death had no hold on me".  I had a quiet conversation with God and simply said, "If you are ready for me, so be it as I know Mike will be waiting there to greet me.  HOWEVER, perhaps all the rest of the people on this plane are not so ready to go, so please think carefully before making a decision."  Imagine that, me giving God advice!!!  Frankly, that wasn't the first time I offered a suggestion to the Lord, and I am sure it won't be the last!!

I have decided that I will define myself in my 'new normal' as "fearless".   Look out world, I am even stronger than I was before!

SLOW DOWN!

Whereas I do not want to start quantifying my life with the numbers of days I have been a widow, I still find myself staring at the calendar and comparing my life to then and now.  I guess it will be a slow transformation to my new life.

I fell a couple weeks ago, in my home.  I was simply walking down the steps toward the front door.  My foot hit the  last step, my ankle violently turned outward, I heard a crack and went flying.  The pain was excruciating.  I laid on my back writhing in agony, screaming.  It was at that precise moment  I realized how alone I really was.  Sure, my kids all live relatively close.  Absolutely, I have wonderful neighbors who will come at a moment's notice.  But, I was alone.  I am alone.

I did have my phone in my pocket and as soon as I was able to 'get a grip', I called Allison who came flying over, picked me up, and carried me to the car.  Dx: Sprained ankle, 2 broken bones in my foot.  I'll live.  I am 3 weeks into recovery.  I am still wearing a God-awful massive boot on my left foot.  I am walking with the aid of a cane.  I have slowed my pace considerably.  Hmm, I wonder if a 'kindly spirit' was trying to get me to slow down all along?  I did ignore the other warning:  Getting stopped by a State Trooper on the Garden State Pkwy going 88 mph.  So who knew my caddy could do that so smoothly that I wouldn't realize? - No ticket, just a 'warning' from a sweet officer named MICHAEL!   (Maybe I am not so alone?)

I find I am constantly struggling with the conflict of wanting to be independent from my children and hating the idea of being without Mike day to day.  I am not lonely.... I just miss him terribly.  I guess this is the part that time is supposed to 'heal'.

Like my foot, my heart still needs to be cradled.  I will get there.... baby steps...

Celebrating a Life

August 5 is Mike's birthday.  I chose this date to spread his ashes as it was the only day of the year that he did not mind being the center of attention.

I was planning the day for weeks.  I did not want it to be a day of mourning, as we mourned his death when he died.  I truly wanted this to be a day of love and celebration of all that he was to us.

We all met at the beach,  Our beach.  The beach that he and I sat on oh so many times.  We would go there on the weekends in early mornings and just enjoy the sun and the sound of the waves.  Sometimes, we would just sit there, holding hands and stare at the water.  We would go there in the evenings with a picnic dinner and enjoy the serenity long after the crowds left.  When it was too cold to get out of the car, Mike would find a place to park so we could still see the water when we ate our dinner.  This is where we planned our final resting place. 

We all walked down towards the water together.  We stopped at one point and everyone dropped their shoes.  We huddled in a circle and the kids took turns reading from a letter that my dear friend wrote as a tribute to Mike - the way she saw his life.  She recalled simple stories of the past 20 years, including all the kids..... such a gift.

Then we all walked to the water's edge.  It was a perfect night.  A slight breeze, blowing towards the water and a sunny sky with scattered clouds.  One by one, the kids took handfuls of his ashes and walked further into the water.  Each taking a few moments to speak to their Dad, their Pop, their confidant, their friend.  I took the remaining ashes and walked a distance and had my conversation as I let his remains gently scatter.

The boys carefully tucked a car magazine into a bottle and sent it out, "Dad will need something to read..."

I sent out a yellow rose - the first flower he ever gave me, our special flower.

I said some closing words to the kids.  I reminded them to cherish his memory and let it live on., to be happy for tomorrow because of all the yesterdays.  I told them that Dad wants them to smile, open their eyes, love and go on.

Then, we did what we do best.  We gathered at our favorite restaurant and had a birthday party!  We toasted the guest of honor, shed a couple tears and shared a lot of laughs.  I am sure my Mr. Wonderful was smiling and happy to be the center of attention - just this once. 

one hurdle at a time

In my desperate attempt to get through each day with my usual optimistic demeanor, I find that the simplest of actions can reduce me to tears.  I am learning that it is okay to cry.  My cousin told me that I have to hurt, so I can heal.

Storchevoy Sundays have come and gone.  They started off a little quieter than usual, but the volume is starting to pick up.  I sit in Mike's chair at the head of the table now.  I could not leave an empty chair, and no one else would dare sit there.  It was awkward at first, but it seems ok now.

Allison and I cooked for hours for the 4th of July.  It was our first cooking marathon in a long while and it was totally therapeutic.  God Bless Lisa who followed us around the kitchen and cleaned up after us all day long.   The party came off without a hitch and the food was fabulous -  we all missed Mike, and eventually, the day passed.

This weekend, I will go to my cousin's son's wedding.  I am looking forward to seeing  the entire extended family.  I will be surrounded by people all weekend, yet I will be alone.  Mike and I booked this hotel a year ago.... "A weekend get-away with the bonus of a wedding".  As was our usual practice, we went everywhere we were invited, no questions asked.  The thought never occurred to me to cancel these plans.  Life goes on.... this wedding will happen with or without me, but I was invited, and I will be there.  Mike will be missed.... and the day will pass.

Healing is long process.  One day at a time is all I can manage.

a letter to Mr. W.

Dear Mike

It's been nearly a month since you've gone.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that you are not here.  My brain wants to understand, but my heart just can't.

I wake each morning and stare at your pillow.   The mornings are so quiet.  Sure, the dogs are anxious to go out, but even their demeanor has changed.  They just wait patiently for me to shower, knowing I will tend to them soon enough.  Each day, when I leave for work, I say out loud, "I'll be careful", as those were always the last words you said to me each morning.

Inevitably, a song will come on the radio that reminds me of "us".  I cry a lot in the car.   I talk out loud to you in the car.  Do you hear me?  I know you are there, critiquing my driving, as always.  I find myself watching the gauge on my gas tank now - that was also your job.... 

As I leave my office each day, I stare down at my phone, as I always called you before I even reached my car.  The ride home is always so quiet.... My eyes fill with tears as I pull into the driveway each afternoon....still not believing that you are not in the house waiting for me. 

We always talked about how amazing our kids were, but I hope you are seeing them now.  Michael and Bobby call me twice a day!  They are in and out of the house taking care of things that only you would remember to do.   They are working so hard to ease my pain and loneliness.  I can see so much of you in both of them.  You taught them well.  I hear from Allison everyday - no matter where she is in the world!  Michelle is always so strong for me; and you know that is not easy for her.  I hope you are proud of our kids... I know I am.

Friends and neighbors have been so thoughtful.  They all check up on me, without being intrusive.  Everyone wants to make sure I am eating okay - it is so sweet.   I hear from all the cousins - every day a different one sends a text or calls.  I hope you can see now what an impact you had on so many people. 

People try to say the 'right' things to me.  They remind me that you fought so hard and that you are  no longer in pain.  I guess that should comfort me.... My least favorite sentiment is, "Mike is in a better place now."  I will never believe there is a better place than right by my side.

In the evenings, the silence in the house can be deafening at times... to fill the time, I "rewind the tape and replay the memories" we've made throughout the years.  That makes me smile and cry.  We had a good life filled with blessings. 

They say time heals all wounds.  They never say how much time ....

Love you always.

Resting in Peace

It's been three weeks, but it is all still so surreal to me....

It was just before Memorial Day weekend.  Mike was getting a little worse each day.  On Wednesday night, he was struggling to swallow pills to kill his pain.  He finally agreed to let me call Hospice in the morning.  Hospice arrived on Thursday and hooked him up to a pain pump that evening.

He slept comfortably Thursday night and Friday was uneventful.  The kids were at the house all weekend.  I knew they would find comfort being there and with eachother.  Allison's friend was so thoughtful as to have food delivered all weekend for us. 

The kids took turns sitting on the bed talking to Mike.  He had alone time with each of them and we had a lot of together time in the room, also.  He alternated between sleep and awake.  His pain was under control.  We each made a special memory with him, I am sure.

On Monday morning, I exited my bathroom just to see his smiling face and hear him say, "Good morning, beautiful".  While I was showering, he got out of bed and got dressed.  He called me to him and gave me the best hug.  I asked him why he was dressed and he said, "Oh, I'm going."  I said, "Going where?"  "Going to sleep." he replied.

The kids arrived on Monday.  They were so happy to see him all dressed.  He even insisted on walking into the livingroom to be with them all.  He put his hands on my shoulders and walked behind me.  We walked passed the hallway mirror and I stopped to do a cha-cha step, him laughing all the way!  He announced to the kids, "Dead man walking!"  When he finally sat in the chair, he dropped his head to the side as if to "fake his death."  A sense of humor, right to the end, what a gift for us all!  Towards the end of the evening he said to me in a semi-whisper, "Why are they all still here?!?"  At one point, he drew me close and held me tight and said, "Come with me?"  I told him I still had so much to do here, but it was ok with me if he went first and saved a place for me.

He was pretty restless Monday night and Tuesday morning.  He was not really conscious at all by Tuesday afternoon.  The kids all came and I sent them home.  I just laid next to him, holding his hand and stroking his hair.  I talked to him for hours.  I reassured him that it was okay for him to go.  I reminded him that we raised great kids who would always make us proud.  I told him to please keep  his promise to watch over me and I promised to never stop looking for the signs that he was with me.  He quietly slipped away....

My quiet, unassuming, humble husband was honored by over 300 people at the wake/funeral.  What a testament to the man he was.....

Giving it his best shot

We saw the oncologist this week.  He recommends that we pay attention to Mr. W's quality of life right now.  Making him comfortable should be our top priority.

The chemo is no longer working and his cancer is spreading fast.  Swallowing has become quite a chore these days.  Anyone else would have just given up by now, but my guy is a fighter.  Whereas he eats very little, he makes a valiant attempt each day and I just cook things for him a little longer and a little soupier. 

He seems to have trouble getting enough oxygen into his system, so he uses the supplementary oxygen throughout the day. 

When he is having a good day. I come home to find him dressed and dutifully coiffed with his perfect hair.  When it is not such a good day, I just lay beside him and we pass the time together.

I had a talk with God the other day.  I suggested we do things MY way as clearly, His way was not working for me.  My cousin reminded me that God does not negotiate.  It was worth a shot, anyway.

Each day, no matter how he feels, he still smiles at me and says, "Good morning, Beautiful".  I am blessed to have this man love me so much that he refuses to leave me without a fight.

Notes from 4/14/15

Mr. W:  "When I'm gone, I am going to watch over you to make sure you are aware of everything around you." 

(He has always complained that I go through life with my head in the clouds and I don't take in all that is beautiful in nature.  I am better now, but he still reminds me to open my eyes)

Me: "Are you going to watch over me while I'm driving, too???"

Mr. W: "ESPECIALLY when you are driving!!!"

Me: (under my breath, "JACKASS!") "Are you gonna continue to complain about my driving even after you are gone???"

Mr. W:  (BIG SMILE)

......

Notes from 4/7/15

Conversation from this morning:

Mr. W: I love you so much, please don't give up on me because I am not giving up.

Me: I'll never give up....

"I'm up"

Each evening, at precisely 7:30 pm, my phone makes the sound of angelic harps and a message comes up,  "Good Night, Ally and Ava".  This has been going on for nearly 8 years already.   Last night, Mr. W. said to me, "Why is that still happening?  Why don't you just text them each night and say 'good night'?"

I explained to him that this was a 'gift to me'.  At that moment, each night, I think about my granddaughters and send them lots of love.  I will ALWAYS love the sound of that sweet alarm and the warm feeling in my heart for my girls.

He then said, "What time will the alarm go off for me each day?" -  After careful deliberation, I said, "At noon!  You text me everyday around noon to say, "I'm up!""

He smiled and was quiet for a while - then he said, "HEY!  Aren't you gonna say good night to me??"

I guess my phone will go off twice a day for him.....

Trying to buy some time

Mr. Wonderful has been enduring a regimen of "extreme chemo" for 7 weeks now.  We trek into the city every Monday for blood work, visit with the oncologist and then a chemo infusion.  Praise God for my children, as we never make this trip unescorted by either Allison or Bobby.

The reason he started this chemo was to make himself eligible for a clinical trial.  After 6 weeks, they did a scan to see how things were progressing.  The good news:  some of the tumors have decreased slightly.  The bad news:  he is no longer eligible for the clinical trial drug as there has been no forward progression of the disease since he has been on chemo.   

This has been a bittersweet time for all of us.  I spoke with the oncologist at length.  He said, "this will work for a little while, until it doesn't work anymore.  Then he will be eligible to try the new "non-chemo" drug".  Whereas I wanted to rejoice that something was working, the doctor brought me back to the sad reality that this is just a Band-Aid on a gushing artery.

I am angry that the medical field has put us in a position where Mike's quality of life was not considered at all.  I am totally supportive of the work they are trying to do to combat this ugly disease, but at what cost to MY HUSBAND???  He never would have agreed to the chemo if he was not promised the opportunity to try the new wonder drug. 

Our life is different now.  We were always intertwined, and now we are wrestling with the effects of the poison they are pumping through his veins along with the deadly beast that is trying to claim his life.  We start and end each day with me injecting him (twice a day) in his stomach, with a blood thinner to ward off the possibility of a fatal blood clot.  We count his calories each day to combat his inevitable weight loss and ensuing fatigue.  This is the toughest war we were ever in, and one we both know we will lose.

It's funny how things that were important enough to discuss a year ago never even come up anymore.  There are no more conversations about vacations.  There is no discussion about what car to get when my lease runs out.  We never talk about whether or not we should replace the deck in the back of the house now.  Some days, the biggest decision we make is whether or not to have ice cream for dinner.

I guess this rant is just my private 'pity-party' right now.  Mike is not ready to give up the fight.  I am not ready to watch him succumb to this beast.

Rest in peace, Janet

"Aunt" Janet passed away this week.  Janet is my sister-in-law's sister-in-law.  HOWEVER, my kids were raised in an Italian household, so Janet quickly became "Aunt" Janet and her son, Zach, became one of their cousins.

Janet had been fighting cancer for a couple years.  Last year, Mr. Wonderful and I went to Zach's engagement party.  Janet and Mr. W. were discussing their cancer treatments as he had just finished his radiation.  Janet looked good and she was convinced she was going to beat this deadly beast.

When I told Mr. W of  Janet's passing, his lip quivered and his eyes filled with tears, but he was silent.  All my kids went to the wake.  I arrived with Bobby and Suse in the evening, on Bobby's arm.  There was just such a sense of doom as he escorted me into the funeral home.... I know we both felt it. 

As we were offering our condolences, everyone was so kind as to ask how Mike was doing, with sadness in their eyes.  Such a somber time for all of us.

When I got home, Mike was in bed, but awake, waiting for me to join him.  As I turned off the lights, he reached for my hand and began asking about Janet and her last days.  I'm so glad it was dark in the room.....

Winter Camp!

Allison and Lisa rented a 7 bedroom house in Southampton for an extended weekend for all of us.  They thought it would be good for us to all get away together for a few days.  The weather was frightful, but it was just an hour's drive and we were all up for it.

Let me preface this by saying, Allison and I made enough food to feed ALL of the Hamptons!!  We ate and drank for days.  Needless to say, my freezer now has enough meals to feed us for a month of Storchevoy Sundays!

Everyone arrived, chose bedrooms, put on PJ's and slippers and we huddled together.  There was a huge fireplace in the living room that kept us all warm on the outside - and enough champagne, wine, etc. to keep us warm on the inside!

Allison thought of everything to make the days/night flow:


                                                    She bought us all "Spirit" T- Shirts:

                                                                     We played games:

 

 

                                                              We did projects:

That would be: Balloon Art, Shrinky-dinks, Origami, etc.

 

 

 

Allison supplied us each with a "Forever Lazy" and we hand painted and decorated them:

 

 

 

Mostly, we just loved each other and made some wonderful memories.

 

 

We may not be the most perfect family out there - but we are, by far, the most FUN family. 

 

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  My heart just fills with pride when I look at these pictures.  Mr. Wonderful and I must have done something right to be blessed with our kids.

Another Birthday, a gift realized....

And we celebrated my birthday as only this family can - with grandeur and finesse!  I had 2 parties - back-to-back weekends!  First party was at Michelle's and the following weekend we gathered at Bobby and Suse's house and ate and drank like royalty for hours.

It warms my heart to see how much pleasure the kids get from entertaining.  I am so grateful that we gave them this gift!  We have always been the "family hub".  Everyone always gathered at our house for holidays and birthdays.  All the kids took this as a "norm" and are now excellent, stress-free hosts.

Knowing that my Mr. Wonderful is so sick, each of these gatherings is extra special.  I see how the kids each 'take a turn' sitting and visiting with him one on one.  We linger at the table longer than we ever have - just to be close together.

Whereas I will never come to terms with losing my love, I have finally come to realize that these last months are a gift from God.  Mike has had several major surgeries and God could have called him home at any time.  I shudder to think of that devastation.  Instead, God in His mercy, has given us a warning.... He has given us time to really live and make wonderful memories these next few months.

God has given my children an opportunity to talk to their Dad and tell him things that have been sitting in their hearts forever.  They are all realizing how precious life is and how inconsequential all the trivial nonsense is in their lives.  I know Mike is savoring each day.... each visit with the kids and our granddaughters is a gift to him and a memory for them.

I have learned to slow down and just BE.  When I return home from work, I know there is nothing more important than just sitting with Mike.  We watch TV and we are warmed by the fire, We talk about nonsense, because just hearing his voice is all that matters to me right now.  I stopped making 'nutritionally complete' meals and make him anything at all his heart desires. 

I pray for strength.  I pray for a peaceful heart.  Most of all, I pray for God's continuing mercy.