Helpful advice to others.....

Things NOT to say to a new widow:

How are you? - How am I???    I lost my partner, my right hand, the left side of my heart!  How do you THINK I am??  There is simply no way to answer this question honestly without going into a long diatribe.  So, inevitably, I will look you in the eye and say, "I'm fine" - but, please do not think that this is how I REALLY am.

He's in a better place. -  Simply put, you will never convince me that there is a better place than right by my side.  I know you mean well, but this is not a soothing sentiment.

You are so strong. - No, really, I am not.  I am just trying to keep my emotions under control.  No one wants to be near a sad, crying woman with a broken heart.  I need to keep it together for my children.  They lost their father, they need to see that their mother is functioning.  They need to grieve with a peaceful heart.  I cannot add to their sadness now.  I am not strong, I am just a good mom.  When I am alone, I am sad and broken - the polar opposite of strong.

This will get better in time. - Really?  And how much time do you think I need to set aside for this to happen?  Can I set my clock?  Put it on my calendar??

Soon, you will be back to normal. - There is no returning to 'normal' for me.  I must find a NEW normal.  Did you forget that the other half of "us" is now gone??  Every part of the last 39 years will never happen again.

I know how you feel, I lost my father, brother, friend, etc. - Unless you lost your spouse, you will NEVER know how I feel.  I know you mean well, but it is just insulting.


Things TO SAY to a new widow:

I was so sorry to hear about your husband -  If you haven't seen me since he died, do not hesitate to express your sympathy.  You are not reminding me that he died, I will never forget it.  It is comforting to have others acknowledge his passing.

Tell me about his last days. - I want you to know how peaceful his passing was.  It is healing for me to retell the events over and over.  It helps me to make sense of my grief.

Tell me the story of how you met. - I want to reminisce and remember the first time my heart was full.  I want to replace the pain in my heart with the joy that was once there, even if it is just for a moment.

I remember...... (tell me something you remember about my husband) - My heart swells with love when you talk to me about a fond memory.  It tells me that his life mattered to others, too.

What is the hardest part of the day? - This answer will change daily.  This will help me to realize that I am not stuck in one place, that I am trying to adjust to my new life.

What makes you smile these days?  This will help me to remember that there are still reasons to smile.  A broken heart can still feel joy at times.

Just sayin'.......