Thursday, March 31, 2016

It's all about choices

I am a fun person...  (so I've been told).

In my ever changing life, I am bouncing between the single teenager I was 40 years ago and the person I am today who buys "senior" tickets as entry to the movies (this grey hair works in my favor sometimes).  These past 40 years were filled with responsibility - being an attentive wife and the best mom I could be.  Well, my "wife" title no longer applies and my children are all adults.  So, where does that leave me?

I have opened the door to the rest of my life.  I am taking a few things with me: my years of experience, my fragile heart, and my sense of humor.  I like to smile.  I like to laugh.  I like to hear the laughter of others.  I have found that a smile is surely contagious.

Everyone has "crap" - we just carry it differently.  I like to keep mine safely bundled up deep inside. I am learning that life is way too short to give "the crap" center stage.

I have witnessed my kids finding humor in the blandest of situations - I take credit for that!  I am so grateful that I've passed on the importance of laughter.  I am resigned to face the rest of my life with open arms and a smile.... hoping I can make some other people smile along the way....

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Easter - an time for renewal

As Easter approached, I found myself starting to creep towards that "rabbit hole" of depression.  Tears would flow for no apparent reason.  I was starting to feel angry.  I was barely sleeping.  I thought, to myself, this was typical as another holiday was upon us.

In talking to a good friend, questions were being posed to me.  Why was I angry?  Who was I angry with, Mike or God?  What was different this week?  Why would I cry and not know why? - 
(I am lucky to have people in my life who will ask the hard questions.)

I tackled those questions like a highly motivated Catholic School Girl with an urgent assignment!  Sure, Easter was nearly here, another freaking holiday alone.  Yes, I have so many people in my life, but I am still alone - and that is why I am angry.  I was a WONDERFUL wife.  I loved being Mike's wife.  I was good at it.  It was the best part of my life.  It just seems so wrong that I am without him now.  Was I angry with Mike?  - Absolutely NOT.  I know how much that man loved me.  He never wanted to leave me.  Perhaps, God and I still need to sort things out.....

My friend (in a very firm voice) then reminded me of a couple things:  I had 39 years of being in love.  How many people can say that?  I have incredible children.  I have my good health. I have a loving extended family who all watch over me.  I have a great job and I am financially stable.   (Sometimes, it takes an outsider to state the obvious.)

Brandy and I went to the beach after work yesterday.  The sun, the sand, the vastness of the ocean.... all gifts from God - along with special people in my life who help me to stay on track.

I think the next step in my grief is to make peace with God.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

No need to feel alone....

So last night I walked into a room full of strangers..... apprehensive at first, but it faded quickly.  We were all widows and widowers.  We were all family with a common core.  We've all lost that most special person in our lives.   That was the only thing 65 people had in common - and it was enough.

As I looked around the room, I saw nothing but smiling faces.  Some people knew each other already, but most were strangers to each other - for a minute.  Some lost their spouses a decade ago, some just 6 months ago.  They were not afraid to ask questions:  "When did it happen?" "Was he sick?"  "How long were you married?"  "HOW ARE YOU?"  We've all walked the path, we all know the drill.  I hugged a lot of people last night.   It felt right...it felt good.

This is not a bereavement group.  This is a group of people who want to move on with their lives after a devastating loss.  These people want to live.  No one wants to be eligible for this club.  We just are.

 So grateful to have found them.




Friday, March 11, 2016

Glass House

I never wanted this blog to be about my new status as a widow..... but there are a few observations that need to be addressed.

I have always been a strong willed, independent person.  Sure, I discussed things with Mr. W, but we generally saw eye-to-eye on most things.  His was the only opinion that ever mattered to me.

Since I am alone, I have found that everyone has an opinion on how I should live my life.  I know that people 'mean well' (whatever that means).  But, seriously, unless you have been widowed, you cannot possibly understand my life right now and why you would ever offer life suggestions  befuddles (great word!) me.

Some  suggestions I've heard:
You need to get rid of this big house
You must keep the house now
You don't need those dogs now
You need to keep those dogs for company
You are doing too much
You are not doing enough
You need to get  rid of that car
Take off your wedding ring
Don't take off your wedding ring
You are not getting enough sleep
You need to eat more
You need to go to therapy
You need to find a support group
You need a companion
It is too soon for a companion

To my happily married friends:
Mike and I had a good marriage.  We were truly in love and treasured each other.  'Being in love' was the best part of my life.  This may surprise you all, but I know I would like to experience that again one day.  I will always love Mike, but he is gone from this earth.  I am here and I want to continue living.

To my unhappily married friends:
I know there is a part of you that thinks I have a good life now.  I come and go as I please.  I accept every invitation without having to 'run it by anyone'.  I hop on a plane at a moment's notice.  If I want chips and beer for dinner, so be it.   I watch whatever I want on TV.  I can blast my music through the house.  Just remember, at the end of the day, I come home to an empty house and climb into my bed and sleep alone, night after night....

To all the 'well meaning' folks out there:
My whole life changed in an instant.   There is no way to prepare to be a widow.  I was really good at being a wife - I have been trying very hard to figure out how NOT to do that now.  When did my life become an open book, open for discussion?  Until you've walked in my shoes, please do not judge me.  

I am not the same person I was a year ago.  I will never be that person again.  I was broken and I am now putting my pieces back together - I am putting them back differently now....  I am fearless...