that moment.....

I am sure it is no surprise that it's been a rough couple weeks.  The surprise is that it is not because the holidays are upon us.

Out of the blue, a realization came over me..... "no one will ever again love me like he did".  I did not call him Mr. Wonderful for nothing!  That man adored the ground I walked on.  He put me first - EVERY SINGLE DAY.  He put me before himself and our kids.  In turn, I put him first in my life every waking moment.  Next realization, "I will never get to love like that again".  I lived over 2/3 of my life thinking this was the norm.....

Sure, I am cranky now - who wouldn't be after such a life change.  Not only did I lose my best friend, my partner in life - I lost that one person who thought "I" was wonderful.  I am hearing from so many people that what I had was not reality.... WHO SAYS?????  It was MY reality! 

There seems to be no end to the tears these days.  Losing the physical part of Mike was so hard, so sad.   But, intellectually, I knew the "physical" Mike had to go, he did not deserve to suffer one more minute.  I understand now that I am coming home to an empty house and sleeping in our bed alone.  There are no more 'date nights'... no more sitting in front of the fire, holding hands... no more togetherness.

The emotional loss is setting in now.  There is no rationalizing this loss.