a letter to Mr. W.

Dear Mike

It's been nearly a month since you've gone.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that you are not here.  My brain wants to understand, but my heart just can't.

I wake each morning and stare at your pillow.   The mornings are so quiet.  Sure, the dogs are anxious to go out, but even their demeanor has changed.  They just wait patiently for me to shower, knowing I will tend to them soon enough.  Each day, when I leave for work, I say out loud, "I'll be careful", as those were always the last words you said to me each morning.

Inevitably, a song will come on the radio that reminds me of "us".  I cry a lot in the car.   I talk out loud to you in the car.  Do you hear me?  I know you are there, critiquing my driving, as always.  I find myself watching the gauge on my gas tank now - that was also your job.... 

As I leave my office each day, I stare down at my phone, as I always called you before I even reached my car.  The ride home is always so quiet.... My eyes fill with tears as I pull into the driveway each afternoon....still not believing that you are not in the house waiting for me. 

We always talked about how amazing our kids were, but I hope you are seeing them now.  Michael and Bobby call me twice a day!  They are in and out of the house taking care of things that only you would remember to do.   They are working so hard to ease my pain and loneliness.  I can see so much of you in both of them.  You taught them well.  I hear from Allison everyday - no matter where she is in the world!  Michelle is always so strong for me; and you know that is not easy for her.  I hope you are proud of our kids... I know I am.

Friends and neighbors have been so thoughtful.  They all check up on me, without being intrusive.  Everyone wants to make sure I am eating okay - it is so sweet.   I hear from all the cousins - every day a different one sends a text or calls.  I hope you can see now what an impact you had on so many people. 

People try to say the 'right' things to me.  They remind me that you fought so hard and that you are  no longer in pain.  I guess that should comfort me.... My least favorite sentiment is, "Mike is in a better place now."  I will never believe there is a better place than right by my side.

In the evenings, the silence in the house can be deafening at times... to fill the time, I "rewind the tape and replay the memories" we've made throughout the years.  That makes me smile and cry.  We had a good life filled with blessings. 

They say time heals all wounds.  They never say how much time ....

Love you always.