Grandparenting

 We have 2 granddaughters (ages 5 & 7) that live 1/2 mile from us.  We go there every school/camp  morning to prepare them for their day.   We've been doing this since Covid settled down enough for the kids to go back to school.  I say "we" because He ALWAYS accompanies me, has never missed a day.  

The mornings always run smoothly (on our end) as we each have our tasks to complete.  I make sure they eat enough, dress them and do their hair in an "acceptable" style.  He brushes their teeth, walks the dog and carries their schoolbags.  There are some mornings that we finish early enough that we can do something together (when I can pry them away from the TV).   We have colored, played school, exercised, and had more dance parties than we can count!

When we return home, we generally sit for a while and discuss our morning.  Sometimes, we smile and reminisce about the laughter.  On occasion, we are amazed that it is only 10:00am as it seems as though that morning routine took forever!  We realize that these special times are not going to last ..... they will grow and not need us there.  We are just hoping to leave them with fun memories that will always make them smile.    ( I know I will always remember the girls taking turns combing HIS hair and adorning him with hairbows.   He's a good sport.)

It happened again....

It has been a long time since I've written a heartfelt blog post.  Life has given me more than my share of blessings and heartbreak.  

I met a wonderful man... He was a friend of a mutual friend.   Our first meeting was quite casual, at a small gathering at that friend's house.   At the end of the evening, he walked me to my car, hugged me and said "I'll call you".  

Five days later, he arrived at my home, dressed to kill with flowers in his hand.  Upon greeting me, he put his hand around my waist and kissed me saying, "I've been waiting for days to do that."  We went to dinner and closed the restaurant simply talking.  He brought me home and we continued talking 'til 3am, when I asked him to leave (in the nicest possible way!).

When he arrived for our second date, he took a long time to get to my front door... when he finally came in he said, "I was looking at the yard to see where we will put the garden".  I simply laughed it off.  I'm pretty sure it was the next time he came over and as we were sitting in the living room talking, Allison came home (around midnight) and said, "Are you my new dad?" - He jumped up from his chair, outstreched his arms and exclaimed, "DAUGHTER!" and hugged her.   She proceeded to grill him for 20 minutes and finally said, "You're okay.  I'll make you an sandwich now!" 

We continued to see each other regularly.  He nursed me through 2 knee surgeries.  Then Covid hit.  He brought me groceries so I would never have to venture out.  One time, I had a particularly good week at work and said "I wish we could go out and celebrate!" - but Covid had denied me that .... However, that evening, he showed up in a sports jacket, with flowers in hand saying, "Madam, your date is here to ensure you a wonderful evening" - (Seriously, you can't make this stuff up).

It was so nice for us to become 'returning Catholics' and go to church each week.  We are so grateful for the life we share and found a way to 'give back' by being involved (behind the scenes) at our Parish.   

Yes, we are a couple.  Yes, he's asked me to marry him.  Yes, we have a fabulous vegetable garden and extraordinary flowers.  We are blessed.  

You can’t make old friends

 You can't make old friends

It was at my 40th High School Reunion that I saw some old friends again. Our paths had not crossed in those subsequent 40 years. It felt good to open those doors once again. Life got in the way of me reaching out to those wonderful women, until I ran into one of the girls at the beach. I've been going to that same beach, in the same spot for years. I am sure there was some divine intervention that day!

We sat and talked for a long time and I suggested we reach out to the other girls and do a simple "get together" at my home in the near future. That first gathering was 6 years ago. It was a wonderful day - a "meeting of the minds" as these women shared their stories. Something special happened that day. An unbreakable chain was formed. Since that day (and up until the pandemic) we've come together for dinners, shows, birthdays, and even funerals. We have formed a strong network, and a safe place to reach out to one another. We have laughed with each other, cried together and prayed for each other. 

I have such respect for these women. Each one has a story and we have all walked different paths, yet we wound up together....

My Faith Has Been Tested

 I was raised Catholic.  My family went to Church on Sundays.  I went to 12 years of Catholic School.  I know the Catechism inside and out.  I am pretty sure I could say an entire Mass without any prompting.  I can recite all the Catholic Holidays and their meanings.  I actually understand what the Holy Trinity is.  I raised my kids Catholic and we went to Church pretty regularly until the last kid made his Confirmation.  It was at that point I figured I did all I could to give them a good foundation and the rest was up to them.

My faith was tested many times throughout the years.  The Catholic Church Scandals did not help at all.  In my more sane moments, I reasoned that God was separate from the "men" that ran the "Church".   I concluded that the Church was a flawed constitution, but God was a common core in all religions. 

In my saddest times, I have turned to God.  In my happiest moments, I praise God.  Every morning, I thank God for all my blessings. My belief system has changed radically throughout the years.  I have many doubts and questions.  The only thing I DO know is that I turn to God often.  Does that make me a good Catholic?  I think not.  I think I am just a person who believes in God.  And, for now, that is enough. 

The Lake

 I see my granddaughters enjoying every Disney movie - watching them over and over again.  They have all the princess dresses and sing every soundtrack.  I imagine taking them on vacation to Disney in the future.

We did not 'go on vacation' when I was growing up.  We went to our summer house at "The Lake" in New Jersey.  We left the day after school ended and returned to Long Island the day before school started in September.  My cousins had the house next door.  My other cousins were about a mile away.  Our weekdays were filled with swimming lessons and organized sports.  We went to the beach everyday.  Weekends were spent with extended family.  There was always a BBQ and a bonfire.  A neighbor would come over with his guitar and song sheets for everyone.   My cousins were my best friends.  A rainy day meant hours of monopoly together.

Each year afforded us more "privileges".  First it meant going to the beach unescorted by a parent.  In later years, it meant meeting our peers at the beach after dinner.  Eventually, I became a lifeguard - I was one of the FIRST female lifeguards at the lake.  I remember arguing with the Lifeguard Supervisor because the guy that was hired with me was getting 10 cents more and hour "because he was a boy!"  Here it is 50 years later and that still aggravates me!!  LOL.

Eventually, my dad sold our house, but my Aunt and Uncle still had the house next to ours.  After I had children, I would take them there every Summer for a week - their "summer vacation".  It was my happy place and I was thrilled to give a piece of that to my children.  

Disney might have lots of rides and attractions, but "The Lake" will always be my vacation of choice. 

The Biggest Little Blessings

I am so blessed to live less than a mile from my little granddaughters. They are on the verge of turning 3 and 5. I am so lucky to have such an active role in their lives.

Each morning, we eagerly head there to get them dressed, feed them breakfast and get them off to “school”. I am not just a “grandma”, I am helping to raise them. I am not someone they “visit” once in a while… I get to comb their hair and watch them brush their teeth. I sing songs with them every morning , always with an ulterior motive… The Alphabet, Days of the week, Months of the year, Please and Thank you….

I applaud their milestones - no matter how insignificant they may appear on the surface. I wipe their tears, laugh with them and send them to time-out when necessary. I sometimes giggle to myself during the day when I recall something funny that happened that morning. They are smart, strong-willed, beautiful individuals. I THINK my kids were, too - but I was too busy being a “Mom” to notice.

I love that they LOVE to come to my house. They have a bedroom to call their own. It is filled with toys and books, a piano and a kitchen! There is a drawer in my kitchen that is full of “approved” snacks and they can help themselves. Just like when my kids were growing up, they are in my kitchen when I am in there. Whether they are “washing” dishes or helping me cook, the laughter is always the best sound that emerges.

I have a good life, I have so much to be thankful for - but Jamie and Riley are my biggest, little blessings.

The Greatest Influencers

My grandparents played a huge role in my upbringing.  One set of grandparents lived with us for years.  My Grandfather tended to the garden in the back yard and raised the most beautiful flowers in the front yard.  His day was complete when he washed down the driveway each evening with the hose.  I don't recall him saying much, but I do remember watching TV and playing cards with him most evenings before bed.  I first saw the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show beside my grandparents..... I don't think he was too impressed!

My Grandmother was my best friend those years.  I don't think she had much education, but she taught me something new nearly everyday.  To this day, my kitchen is my happy place because of her.  I remember grating tons of cheese nearly every weekend, that was my first lesson!  She taught me about making  'Gravy' and the secrets of good meatballs..."Don't skimp on the cheese!!"   To this day, I use a cast iron frying pan as she did and I can still hear her..."Don't touch them until they are fully cooked on that side!"

She taught me how to wash dishes (apparently, there is a "right way") and I still wash a loaded sink in the order I was taught.  I remember standing on a little stool as she taught me how to iron handkerchiefs, then graduating to pillowcases before I learned the proper way to iron the endless pile of white button down shirts.  She loved me unconditionally, while never spoiling me.  

My other set of grandparents lived in Brooklyn.  We made that trip most Sundays, after church, in our finest clothes to gather with that side of the family.  My grandparents owned the apartment house - 3 of the 4 apartments were filled with relatives!  We gathered in the basement at a long table - mostly saw horses and plywood covered in assorted tablecloths.  We never used paper plates, and none of the pasta bowls matched, but the food was always plentiful, homemade and delicious.  We were with our cousins so often that we literally grew up together.  You can never sever a bond like that.  

Becoming a Grandmother was one of the greatest joys I have ever known.  I am blessed to have an active role in my granddaughters' lives.  I only hope I also leave a memorable impression on them throughout the years.... 

Learn to Hit the Curveballs

 A Message to my kids as I turn 65....

I met your dad when I was 19 years old.  I was so sure he was "the one", so making a lifetime commitment was not hard at all.  

I always said that he was the dreamer and I was the realist.   In reality, I think I was a bit of a dreamer too. We had our ups and downs, trials and tribulations  - but there was never a doubt about the love we shared.  In my mind, we were going to grow old together and enjoy our "senior years" spoiling grandchildren.

Then life threw me a curveball... In order to stay in the game, I had to learn to keep my eye on that ball and hit it out of the park.  I refused to sit on the sidelines and let life pass me by....

Life is short - live your best life everyday.

and life goes on

 My mother has been gone a year.  Hardly seems real since there was no funeral.  Covid robbed her of the send off she deserved... she was the last of her generation.  All  her siblings had their fond farewell.  It saddens me that she did not get her final good-bye.

Funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living.  They help families grieve.  They remind us how precious life is.  My mom was the youngest of her family.  It was fitting that she was the last to go.  She would have been 90 just 6 weeks after her passing.  I'd like to imagine her brother and sisters greeted her at the pearly gates with welcoming hugs.  

Things were so simple all those years ago.... Sunday dinners in Grandma's basement.  Always macaroni and meatballs..... none of the dishes matched.... everyone was dressed up... it was loud... there was a lot of love in that room...

My first cousins, siblings and I are the "old folks" now.  We are the matriarchs and patriarchs... the old aunts and uncles.  Those are big shoes to fill.  

Still learning

It has been months since I've posted something.  The pandemic has been so prevalent this past year, and I just did not want to write about it - YET, it effected every aspect of my life.

The arrival of Spring (and my Covid vaccine) has given me hope of a "normal" lifestyle, once again.  Lord knows, I've had to define "normal" several times these past years.... I'm good at it now!

Whereas I have always been cognizant and grateful for my blessings, this past year has taught me a lot:

• EVERYDAY is precious.  
• I am working hard to disregard 'the small stuff'.  
• I have learned that dinner does not have to be a production.... but some simple nourishment. 
• My granddaughters are growing up so quickly - therefore I never skip an opportunity to get on the floor and play with them.  
• I wear the good clothes - even if we are just sitting in the living room - what am I saving them for?
• I look at my watch a lot less - and notice the flowers a lot more.
• I take better care of myself now... I actually see a doctor now and then to keep my blood pressure under control.
• I have removed deadlines from my life - they serve no purpose at this stage of my life.  
• My dad used to say, "you don't need a lot of money, you just need enough money".  I worry about money a lot less these days...

I will continue my efforts to live a happy life - I only have one shot at this and I intend on doing it with a smile.

Time for an update?

Surely,  I've done something note worthy lately....

Spring was strange - no family parties. Easter and Mother's Day were a blur of memories of my family walking past my house and waving to me from the sidewalk.

Summer was different - no outdoor concerts, no lazy days at the beach, no family parties... 

Fall is here - we have successfully learned how to socialize during this crazy pandemic.  Masks are worn in groups of strangers - and we keep the "mask-free" socializing down to just a few close friends.... 

Note-worthy:   I have opened my heart to love yet again......  There have been dinners at home, neighborhood bike rides, walks in the park, sunset picnics at the beach, endless car rides to no where in particular, lots of online shopping, and many hours of conversation...   

As "he" says, "This is our last go-around, let's make it count".... and we are....

5 years already

To My Mr. Wonderful

You've been gone 5 years now... how can that be?  I was so broken when you died... but life went on.

Our children amaze me all the time.  They roll with the punches and laugh with each other often.  It is so nice to see that they are all such good friends.  They have continued to watch over me without clipping my wings.  They are loving and supportive.  It is so obvious that you are present in our everyday lives.  The kids quote you and still make fun of you every chance they get.  It makes me smile to see that their tears have been replaced with belly laughs.  It is evident that they inherited what was good in both of us.

Your granddaughters are amazing.  I know you are watching over them (and please continue to do so!)  They are the lights that shine no matter what is happening around us.  

There have been so many changes in my life... but most importantly, I am happy.  I can look back without tears.... there are too many reasons to smile.   I still jump out of bed in the mornings, raring to go.  I continue to fall asleep mid sentence, sometimes while texting one of our kids.  I still forget to give the dog water, but she has her way of reminding me!  I am still backing the car into the driveway and letting my gas tank get too low before filling up...

I have healed.  I have a good life.  I am blessed to be surrounded by good people.

Rest in peace, my love...

Pandemic

So I've been officially in isolation for over 2 months.  (My quarantine started a little earlier than most due to knee surgery.)  

What I have learned these past 2 months:

• I don't mind staying home.  I like my house.  
• I am a social person - and I miss seeing people.
• I am all about the hugs and kisses - I miss touching others and being touched.  
• My brain can rationalize the situation and it works very hard to convince my heart to comply.
• I am grateful that my kids and I have the gift of humor and can find something to laugh about in nearly every situation.

There are a lot of things that I could find to complain about.... but optimism is my gift.  These are not unbearable circumstances.  It will come to an end one day.  

Perhaps, everyone will come to realize how precious life is... something I learned many years ago.

I am not the same

As I try to resume my life, making the best of each day, I come across a new revelation almost daily.

Here I am, nicely in my 60's, and for the first time for as long as I can remember, I am comfortable with myself.  There are no rules in my life anymore.  I am only responsible for me.  I only answer to me.

I recently had a knee injury that required surgery.  Whereas I was accompanied by an offspring to every doctor's appointment, all decisions were mine.... there was no "pillow talk" discussing pros and cons.  There was no planning.  Yes, my kids are entirely supportive, but it was obvious to me that I was in this alone.  I instructed the kids to "pull the plug" should anything go wrong - and they so nicely put my mind at ease telling me that they would fight over who gets to pull the actual plug.
Although humorous and comforting (and this was a non-life-threatening procedure) - it was a smack of reality.  

I am embracing the freedom I have... there are no "wrong" decisions.  I come and go as I please.  I surround myself with the people who make me laugh.  I eat when and what I want - and sometimes, it is potato chips and scotch for dinner!  I have noticed that I've changed the way I dress, as well.  Maybe that was an unconscious decision just so I could see the outward changes in the "new me". 

There is no handbook in life.  We all have different experiences that shape us into the person we eventually become.  The "old me" just does not exist anymore.    I have noticed that no matter how many things change in my life, there are some things that continue to remain constant: my family is important and I must surround myself with optimism and gratitude. 

I am thinking that I have just begun to evolve... again.  "Bring it on.... I'm fearless!"

Does everybody have a neighbor like this?

I moved into an old fashioned neighborhood.  Within 2 days, every neighbor came over to welcome me.  I feel safe here.  9 out of 10 of my neighbors have dogs.  All of my neighbors carry treats in their pockets for each other's dogs.  Everyone knows the names of all the dogs who live here.... I love how people come by and say, "Hi, Brandy!".... or how my next door neighbor came home from work the other day and said, "Love your new haircut, Brandy".

I work from home.... I hear cars passing by.  In the Fall, I hear the High School marching band practicing outside (1/2 mile away).  I hear nannies pushing strollers.  I hear the Amazon delivery guy as he puts packages on my front porch.  I hear life happening all around, everyday.  

To that one guy who has:

• filed a complaint to the town regarding my neighbor's dog:  That dog is 12 yes old.  He is seldom outside - how dare you say that he is continuously barking!
• 
  
• complained to another neighbor about his dogs being out all day barking:  My neighbors both work!  Their mother comes over to let the dogs out once a day, and brings them back in the house again!
• 
  
• spoken to my children about how Brandy's barking is interfering with his quality of life: My dog is 10 years old (one year older that her life expectancy!) - She is rarely outside alone and only barks when she is protecting my property!
• 
  
• filed a complaint to the town regarding my dog:  She only hates you!  In what universe is it ok for you to come to my fence, provoke my dog, then videotape her barking at you?
• 
  
• complained to one neighbor about another neighbor's wind chimes: SERIOUSLY, Bro?? I see is no ordinance about wind chimes....

... I am waiting for an Amazon delivery today.... we may all be getting new wind chimes.......

**update: one week after this was posted, this neighbor put his house up for sale**

A New Year, A Better ME

I made a resolution to leave all the crap from 2019 in 2019.... It was not entering 2020 with me. I decided to spend 2020 living my life, my way.

I still have the right to be an emotional mess - but I did that last year.  It was not fun and I will do everything in my power never to revisit that destination again.  Shit happened. I dealt with it.  I packed it away.

January has come to a close:  

• I celebrated my birthday several times:  A slumber party with a dozen High School Friends (which deserves it's own blog post!), visits from my children, and a Blind Date. 
• I went on an epic vacation with my best friend. Punta Cana will always remember us.
• I started walking each morning.  I'm never gonna be skinny, this body is what it is...  but I want to be able to chase my granddaughters on a playground and dance for hours to live music without getting winded.
• I made a decision to never turn down an invitation... so I went out a lot... and I will continue to do so. 

Life is short.  Life is fragile.  Life is for the living.  I am determined to live my best life everyday.  

I talk to strangers

I just returned from a week's vacation in Punta Cana.  My "sister from another mister", Rose, was my partner in crime.  Rarely do you find a friend who loves you unconditionally... we are lucky to have each other.  We walk the same path and continually encourage each other to keep moving forward.

 Not only were we perfect roommates for each other,  our laughter made us a magnet for other vacationers:


To the Massachusetts Couple:  Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story, your warmth and smiles.  Hearing how you reconnected after so many years was like listening to a real life fairy tale.  If it's possible, you made drinking and dancing way more fun for us.  

To the Canada Couple:   LOVED hearing your story.... especially the part where he has her dinner waiting for her each night.... I am so glad you found each other.  Remembering his Scottish brogue and her hearty laughter will always make my heart happy.

To the London traveler: Thanks for enduring all my nicknames for you: Mr. London, London Bridge, Blue Shorts.... So glad we had the opportunity for some deep conversations... I wish a fairy tale for you - I hope you find your princess.  Life is better when shared.  The little English man who lives in my GPS is now named Alex.

To my Canada Couple with the same first names:  You will never know how much you touched my heart.  We exchanged stories with laughter, and sometimes with tear filled eyes.  We had an immediate connection.   Seeing polka dot socks will always remind me of you and your wedding story.  Your gentle kindness will always be with me.  As Dorothy said to the Scarecrow: "I'm gonna miss you most of all".

Whoever said, "Don't talk to strangers!" was SO wrong.  Everyone I meet in life has the potential to leave an impression on my soul.  I have found that going through life with my head up and a smile is  an invitation for people to reach out... 

Kissing 2019 Good-bye!

I originally wanted to title this post, "When Grief Subsides".... but that hasn't happened yet.  And I've come to realize that it may never subside.  It will just be a part of who I am now.  But I have successfully learned how to put it in a box, on a high shelf in my brain....seldom to be opened. 

This has been an interesting holiday season.  Lots of ups and downs, laughter and tears.  It was a joy to see my grandchildren squeal with delight as they opened their presents.  It is always fun to be around my irreverent children as they find humor in every little thing (nothing is sacred or off limits).  And my tears would flow at the most inopportune moments, for no conventional reason. 

I can think of lots of things that were crappy in 2019, but I decided it is better to reflect on what was good:  

• My newest granddaughter, Riley, arrived.  She is a joy and helps heal my heart
• I bought a new car - one that I picked out ALONE
• I bought a house  - MY HOME.  It is a constant reminder that I am ok
• I realized how blessed I was to be able to rely on the strong faith of others to get me through some dark days
• I saw how old friends gathered around me when I needed them most... just to share a laugh
• I met some wonderful new neighbors that quickly became friends/extended family
• I have learned that I am a LOT stronger than I ever dreamt I could be

Although I can see my many blessing of this past year, I am very happy to put it all to rest and begin a new year with anticipation of the good things that await me.  Yes, I am starting 2020 with hope and a smile.

Happy(?) Anniversary

Today, Mr. Wonderful and I would have celebrated our 42nd wedding anniversary.  We celebrated 38 of them together.  Today, I celebrate it alone.

I woke up with a flood of memories  - both good and "not so good".  You can't re-write history.  We were 2 crazy, love-struck kids when we got married.  We were young, poor, and full of dreams.  Family was always our top priority.  It is hard for me to remember what life was like before we were together.  I am so glad we stuck it out through good times and bad times, richer and poorer, sickness and health (and we had it all!).  It wasn't always easy, but we both worked at it everyday.  There is no doubt about the love we had for each other.

I always told our kids that marriage was not 50/50 - Divorce is 50/50!  I told them to please enter into marriage expecting to give 90% and only get back 10%, and they will never be disappointed.  I was lucky.... I always got back more than I expected. 

Happy Anniversary, Mr. Wonderful.  Thanks for the memories.  

You can't make Old Friends

Had some old friends over this past weekend.  I like to call them the "High School Crew".  I am blessed to have these women in my life now.  High School is a blur to me...  We are all grown up now and our lives have nicely intertwined.

Through the wonders of Facebook, we celebrate every milestone in each other's lives - weddings, births, retirements, etc. -  as we do with all our other FB 'Friends'.   But, this group is unique because we provide a safe place to vent, rant, rave, grieve and anything else we need to do - and we support each other unconditionally.  (This is definitely NOT High School behavior.)   

We've been getting together regularly for over 4 years now - trips, plays, museums, dinners, wakes  - or just gathering to chat.  Sometimes, we are a crowd, sometimes, just a handful.  It doesn't matter if we've seen each other last week or last year.  We all know we are welcome, any time.

I am honored to be one of these women who have never ending space in their hearts to take on the joys and sorrows of each other.  

I wonder what's next?

I am in my new home for nearly 3 weeks and so pleased to say it has felt like "home" from day one.  Within 3 days, each box was emptied and I met every surrounding neighbor.  

Brandy and I have settled into a routine and I am surrounded by serenity.  I continue to start each day by being grateful for my blessings.

The past couple days, I found myself looking back at the events of the past 4 years.  In retrospect, there have been so many highs and lows.... I only allowed myself a brief dip in the pity pool even though the "lows" were devastating as the "highs" were plentiful.

I am blessed to have been deeply loved by two wonderful men.  I am honored to have held them both as they left this world.  I am part of their fairy tale.  Their fairy tale had a happy ending as they lived happily ever after....  

My story is not over yet.

Peace comes from within

I thought I knew how to grieve - apparently NOT!

When Mr. Wonderful died, I ran the gamut - I cried, I got angry, I made peace.... I did that over and over until acceptance kicked in.  So, naturally, when the Prince died, I figured it would be the same way.  I was SO wrong.

I cry and I get angry - but there has been no peace.... 

My kids are mourning the loss of a wonderful man who made their mother smile, a man who became their friend, a man who became a grandfather to their children  - in essence, a man they truly loved and loved them back.   They are surrounding me with support and a fierce will to protect me.  They understand my second loss in 4 years and are fearful of me spiraling into a black hole of depression.

So why don't I have peace?   I could get all philosophical here... but the truth is, peace comes from within.   I finally put the pieces together:  

• I cannot have peace when my kids are worried about me.  I need to show them that I am okay.

• I cannot have peace while I am living in what used to be "our home".  Whereas the Prince made it clear to his children that I am permitted to live here for as long as I want; when he died it ceased being "our home".  It is now an empty shell... a piece of real estate to be sold to the highest bidder. 

Today, I close on my new home.  A home I purchased by myself for myself.  Today, I will show the world (and my kids) that I am okay.  As that old saying goes, "Today is truly the first day of the rest of my life.... my new life."  

Today, I am at peace.

The "good-bye" I could not say....

The following farewell was written by daughter for My Prince:

Good evening.  For those of you who do not know me, I am Allison, Angela's daughter.

We are all here today to celebrate the life of Dennis.  I know I can speak on behalf of my mother and my family when I say we just wish we could have been a part of it for many more years.

I also believe that I speak for everyone when I say "thank you".  I feel that Dennis would be so proud of the respect you have all shown him be being here today and honored by your presence.

Angela and Dennis would often read quietly together, and sometimes silence is just as valuable as shared words.  It made me think of something I once read:  "You can't skip chapters, that's not how life works.  You have to read every line, meet every character.  You won't enjoy all of it.  Hell, some chapters will make you cry for weeks.  You will read things that you don't want to read, you will have moments when you don't want the pages to end.  But you have to keep going.  Stories keep the world revolving.  Live yours, don't miss out".

That's exactly what Angela and Dennis did.  They lived their story.  They were both brave enough to keep going.  And because of their bravery,  and the love and strength in their hearts, they got a bonus chapter that most of us will never be lucky enough to read for ourselves.  The love they shared was life changing.  Their chapter was a true love story, there is no denying that.  And now we will continue with our own stories, albeit heavy hearted.... but, we are all grateful that Dennis was a part of ours.  He has touched each of us in his own special way and we will forever treasure those memories.

Thank you  for letting me share my thoughts and feelings with all of you.  

"Dennis, you may be gone from our arms, but we will forever hold you in our hearts"

Sometimes, the fairy tale has a sad ending...

The Prince is losing his battle with Multiple Myeloma.  It is so hard for me to comprehend that in October there was "no evidence of disease"... and now this.

I have no words... I am numb... I am frozen in time.  Can I take care of him until he takes his last breath?  OF COURSE I CAN.   Can I understand why we are on this path?  NOT EVEN FOR A MINUTE.

Family and friends have been so supportive... so warm and loving.  They all say the same thing to me "I am so heartbroken for you two".... Please, please do not let us be the source of your heartbreak.  When you think of us, please think of the wonderful life we enjoyed, albeit short.  We were given this chance at love and laughter everyday for the past 3 years.  

When I think of Dennis, I will remember all the little things that made us laugh.  He reads me the paper every morning - starting with the back page and moving forward.  I know more about hockey, golf, baseball and football than any woman has a right to know.  My personal favorite is the way he LOVES to read me the obituaries - and if he sees the last name of "Jones", he swears he worked with that guy's relative - because there  is only one Jones family on Long Island, right?  We carefully navigate the puzzle page, some he does, some I do and some we do together.  

He has an incredible thirst for minutia!  Something would pop into his mind and he would research it all day and give me a full report: ex. what island in the South Pacific has the best vegetation -  He studied this stuff like he was going to be a Jeopardy contestant and this was going to be the final question!

He loves music - well, not all music - he loves HIS music - We danced in the kitchen and sang on long car rides.  We took dance class for 3 semesters - always the beginner class.  we figured at some point we would be the best in the class..... that never happened!!

He has taught me so much about life... most importantly, he showed me that I was capable of falling in love again.  He truly earned the title of "Prince".

(Dennis died 4 days after this post....)

I'm making Chicken Piccata

So life has thrown me quite a few curve balls lately.  My emotional, soft side wants to cry, lament and have a month long pity party.  My strong, calculating side is constantly figuring the odds and finding solutions for problems that haven't even come up yet.

I have a couple fool proof strategies that I follow (and have taught my kids to do):

1.  Sure, the road is not what I had anticipated right now.  What is the WORST case scenario?  THINK!  No, not that - I said the WORST CASE!  Yes, ok, now you know how to play this game.  Now you have permission to lose a couple nights' sleep as you figure out possible ways to deal with this worst case.

2.  Sure, the road is not what I had anticipated right now.  (See Step #1) - Think about the first solution - now TURN THE PAGE - "Can I live with the outcome after I implement this first solution?"

3.  Sure, the road is not what I had anticipated right now.  Repeat Step #2 with all possible solutions.

4.  Sure, the road is not what I had anticipated right now.   Pray.  Then pray some more.  Some people have unyielding faith, I am not so blessed.  I have to work at it.  So I pray..... and sometimes, my prayer is simply, "Lord, I can't wait to see how YOU do this!"

5. Sure, the road is not what I had anticipated right now.   Last Step: Gather some recipes that use lemons.  Rest assured, this is not the first time life has thrown you a basket full of citrus and you can only drink so much lemonade.

What? Me Strong??

Someone recently said to me, "You are so strong!"

At the time, I laughed it off.  What exactly is the definition of "strong"?  Able to lift massive weights?  Being unyielding to outside pressures?  The ability to carry things for a long distance?  

How do I define "strong"?
-The will to live my life, day after day, no matter what obstacles are in my path.  To get up each morning and do what needs to be done to have a productive day (and sometimes, 'productive' means just remembering to breathe).

There is no perfect way to do this.  We are all just making it up as we go along.  Some of us are better actors than others.... and that gets misinterpreted as strong. 

So, if you see me walking and I smile when we meet - just hug me..... I need the endorphins so I can  appear strong to anyone who is looking.

If you are lucky, motherhood leads into grand-motherhood...

Our newest family member was born yesterday  - Happy Birthday, Riley!!  You are so lucky to have been born into this crazy family!!

Holding her yesterday just brought such a flood of emotions.  THIS is what life is all about.  Houses, cars, money - they don't mean a thing without the love of family.  As I looked at her gorgeous face, my brain did a quick flashback though my own life and all that has happened since I first gave birth nearly 40 (YIKES!) years ago.

"Motherhood" is my longest profession.  It has been a process with a crazy learning curve.  Every stage of my children's lives also included a growth spurt in my life.  I soon came to learn that no 2 children are alike - ever - at any time.    I am guessing that is why there is no "right way" to parent.  We all, at times, just fly by the seat of our pants and hope for the best - and we pray.... a lot!

I can't help but look back to where I was and where I am now - and my role as a mother today.  In the recent past, there were times when I have had to lean on my kids instead of being the "ROCK" I always thought I needed to be.  I am a far cry from the mom who could fix everything with a kiss (or a meatball).  But my children are also a long way from the kids they once were.  Thankfully, we all survived their teen years - because their adult years are way better to watch.

Being a grandparent is certainly a blessing..... and a gift for all the lectures, lessons, discipline, open school nights,  sports/scouting events...... It wasn't always easy, but it was worth the effort. 

sometimes, you just have to keep going

It's been a while since I've posted - for good reasons!

We left on my birthday (Jan 5) for our highly anticipated 10 day vacation to the Dominican Republic.  We were looking forward to laying in the sun, reading and relaxing - the things we do best!  We arrived that Saturday afternoon and had the most wonderful time.  We had a simple lunch, a wonderful dinner and danced under the stars to the live music.  We were in paradise!

The next day, after our room service breakfast, we ventured up to our private rooftop deck and pool.  My Prince started to enter the pool when his foot slipped on the steps - he took quite a tumble!  In order to spare all the gory details, I'll just cut to the chase.  He broke his left humerus.  We spent 2 days in the hospital, then arranged to come home as he needed surgery to repair it.

Shortly after his surgery, we were made aware that his Multiple Myeloma (which had been in remission) was back with a vengeance.   He is now receiving state of the art treatment (immunotherapy).  Asking my faithful readers for prayers,,,,

January had been an eventual month - One must remember that all events are not always reasons to celebrate...

No need to look back.... I am concentrating on the road ahead....

 

Christmas: done our way.

I guess it is true when they say "the older you get, the faster the time goes".  I feel like we were just lounging by the pool - and now we are getting ready to spend Christmas week with our families.

I am so glad we have decided to make the season more than just the "obligatory exchange of gifts".  Neither of us 'wants' or 'needs' a thing.  We work everyday to have a happy life, without stress or drama.  We truly enjoy each other's company - and that's a HUGE plus since we are both confirmed home-bodies.  After a couple years, our lives have nicely entwined and we are genuinely content all the time.  THIS is our gift to each other.  

It has been a wonderful year: a vacation, an engagement, a wedding, and the announcement of a new grandchild in 2019.  It will be good to see ALL our kids AND grandkids within a 4 day span - a perfect way to close out a year filled with blessings.  

Merry Christmas.... from us.

OCD? Nah, I call it a cute quirk

My prince and I spoke for a long time before we actually met.  One of the questions he asked me was, "Which way does your toilet paper face; over or under?"  I thought it was an odd question, as I had NEVER given this any thought, so I replied, "I have 3 bathrooms: one is over, one is under and one is a literal crap shoot".

Turn the clock ahead a couple years:  All 3 bathrooms in our home have the toilet paper coming over the TOP of the roll.  I was informed, quite a while ago, that this is the CORRECT way.  I laughed this off, once again - and thought to myself, if this is what makes him happy, so be it.  It was a tiny task that would bring him so much joy.

We spent this past weekend in a quaint hotel in Pennsylvania.  Shortly after checking into our room, my prince announced:  "The toilet paper was all wrong, but don't worry, I FIXED it"....

All I could do was smile and be reminded of those endless conversations leading up to our first date.  

He is special.... and he is all mine ...  I couldn't be happier.

we will grow by another 2 feet!

We are expecting a new granddaughter at the end of February.  Such excitement!!  My heart is so happy.

Letter to my new granddaughter,

"My precious angel, just anticipating your arrival has made my heart grow beyond what I ever thought was possible.  Your sister has given this family so much joy and she has paved the way for you - as she will do for the rest of your lives!  

Apparently, there is no "cap" on how much we can love.  When we first learned of your impending arrival, I remember feeling my heart beat just a little faster.  Simply hearing those words was enough to make me love you.

You will be blessed to have an amazing family who love each other so much.  I know all families love each other, but we are a special group.  We are loud and we are emotional.  We hug and kiss each other hello and good-bye even if we see each other everyday!  We will all teach you different things, because we are all good at something.  We make every gathering special - even if it is just a Wednesday night!  There are no boundaries in our family - we watch over each other and celebrate life.  We welcome everyone - all friends, and friends of friends easily become part of our family.

I love watching your mommy's middle expand as you grow.  I am feverishly working on a blanket for you (just as I did for your sister).  We are all counting down the weeks until you are here - then.... "Let the spoiling begin!!"

Love you to the moon and back,
Grandma 

My Leap of Faith

As you know, I jumped ship earlier this year and embarked on my own business.

I have a partner that I worked with for 18 years, but have never met in person.  Yes, I went into this venture with both eyes open.  I spoke to this person everyday, several times a day, for 18 years.  There was no questions that we would be perfect partners.

Two weeks ago, I took a trip to Texas.  I finally hugged the person that I had so much faith in.  He escorted me around our warehouse and offices.  It was the sweetest journey for me, as this was OURS!!  We have a common goal and superior work ethics.  We are a united front and are determined to succeed.  Sounds like a winning combination to me!

Someone was aligning all the stars for me.... happen-stances occurred at just the right time.  
I have taken many leaps of faith in my life..... but this leap was definitely facilitated by a higher power... So grateful to have "someone" watching over me.

You never know who you will touch in life...

I've known her since she was in middle school.    I remember vividly how she and her family traveled so far  to be at  Mike's wake.... she said she "needed to be there" as she practically grew up as part of our family.  

She was recently widowed with 2 young children.  My heart broke for her.  I understood how much her life was going to change.  I tried, so hard, to say the words I thought she needed to hear..... words I needed to hear just a few short years ago.  She had become a member in a club that no one wants to join.

I now hear that she has someone in her life.  Someone who makes her happy.  I hear that she is smiling again.  I am told that I was the inspiration for her to go on.  She drew from my strength and knew that if I could find happiness again, she was going to give it a try.

I am so grateful to have been a part of this young lady's life - both when she was an impressionable child and later, when she was going through the worst days of her life.  

Moral of the story: Just be who you are.  Don't let others change you.  You can only be the best "YOU".   You may never know who will cross your path .... or what an impact you will make on them.   Maybe, just maybe, you will be lucky enough to hear how you made a difference in someone's life just by being who you are.

We got this!

So it was bound to happen - our first stumbling block.  Something that just sits in the middle of our roadway and we have to figure out a way to get to the other side.  There are over 75 years of marriage between us - we've got this, right?

Yes, we got it..... but it was eye opening.  

We realized that our world is not just what happens between us  - we know how to do THAT well!   We live a peaceful, mundane (read that: 'without drama'), loving life.  At this point in our lives, all we want is to be happy.... everyday.  We both know that we are equally responsible for that happiness and that is our only goal.

It doesn't matter what the stumbling block was.  What matters is we found a way around it.  We did not let it upset the life we have both worked so hard to achieve.  

Maintaining our relatively new relationship at this stage of our lives has been surprisingly easy.  Both of us being widowed after long marriages, we knew what it took to have a happy life together.  The important things were already there: shared morals and values, a desire to love and be loved, and the ability to talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. 

There are bound to be other hurdles along the way.  That's a part of life.   But we have already lived through the worst days of our lives before we even met.  

We can handle anything.  

(The Prince read this and promptly asked me, "What was the stumbling block?"  So grateful to have this man at my side everyday.)

"cousins - loosely described"

We just returned from a "family" party in Jersey.  My cousins have hosted this party for the past 13 years - (other cousins, myself included, have taken turns hosting it years prior).  There can be up to 100 or more people in the yard at any given time.  This year, it was rather small - just 60 of us.  A nice portion of the group have shared DNA - the others married into the family or are good friends who have become family throughout the years.

We brought Jamie with us this year.  It was so nice introducing her to all her "cousins" - yes, we are all cousins.  The Prince once commented that he has second and third cousins and he just refers to them as "friends".   That will ALWAYS make me laugh.  In my family, if you show up for 3 consecutive events, you are a COUSIN.  And if you miss 3 consecutive events, we will complain about your absence,  but you will still be our cousin.

There is a strong bond amongst us; one set of shared grandparents.  All those Sunday dinners at Grandma's house... the good food, hugs and laughter, the comfort of being surrounded by so much love.  My cousins may miss a family party now and then.... but I can't think of any who opted to miss a wedding or a funeral.

Who wouldn't want to be our cousin??

Advice for my grandchildren

I have a wonderful life.  It is not without ups and downs - and there certainly has been richer and poorer, sickness and health.  I've experienced true love and sorrowful loss.

As this blog was always meant to be my diary of sorts for my grandchildren, I can't help but offer some advice now and then along with the anecdotes of my daily life:

Remember to take each day as it comes.  You cannot re-do yesterday or predict what tomorrow will bring.  You can only be present today - make the most of it. 

Learn lessons from your past -  not everything will turn out as well as you hope, but do not dwell on what 'might have been'.  Just make a mental note of what you could have done better for next time.

Never forget that no one EVER changed an outcome by worrying about what the future might hold.  If worrying burned calories, it might be worth a try, otherwise, it is just a useless effort that robs the day from you. 

Always choose to be kind.   You will feel better about yourself if you only see the good in people.  Negativity can easily creep into your life if you give it a place to take up residence.  Fill up your empty spaces with love and kindness.  I promise you will never regret it. 

Always choose to be happy.  YES, it IS a choice.  The days will pass, all of them will be 24 hours long.  You get to choose how to spend it.  Personally, I've been happy and I've been miserable.  Listen to an old lady, "Happy is WAY better".  

If you are going through hell - KEEP GOING - don't stop to take pictures!  I've been through hell so many times, I could give guided tours!  Remember, if you walk a straight line,  you can only go half way in, then you will be on your way out.  Don't look back... it happened.... it's over.  Life goes on.  

Get used to the fact that not everyone will like you.  If people WANT to like you, they will find 100 reasons to like you.  If someone does not want to like you, they only need to find one flaw that will resonate.  Bottom line, just make sure you like yourself.  Let everyone else make up their own minds.

Believe only half of what you see - and NONE of what you hear!!

Be grateful everyday.  

Remember that God answers all prayers - and sometimes, the answer is "no".

Last tip for the day:  MAKE MEMORIES!  Enjoy all that you do.  Love with all your might.  Laugh until it hurts.  When in doubt, always give a hug.  That is how you make a memory.  

Old Dog, New Tricks?

It has been over a month since I resigned my position of 18 years.  I was a little apprehensive, at first.  Leaving the house by 7:00am was the norm for so long, I was worried that "having no where to go" each day was going to be a huge adjustment for this old lady!

Jump ahead a couple weeks:
Having my own business has been the most exhilarating experience EVER!  Being a self-motivated individual, there was NO chance of me giving less than 100% to this endeavor.  My body adjusted to the new lifestyle in about 10 minutes.

Before: Jump out of bed, shower and dress, feed dog, have coffee, kiss the Prince good-bye - battle traffic to get to my office.  Work 8 straight hours and battle traffic to get home.

Now:  Mosey out of bed, feed dog, have coffee, read the paper, have breakfast with the Prince and kiss him good-bye as I head back up the stairs to my office.  There is a shower at some point during the day.... and sometimes I put on real clothes rather than just clean pajamas!  There is nothing but serenity in my office - even while putting out fires.  There are no raised voices.  Around noon, I venture downstairs to have lunch with the Prince.  If the weather is nice, we even lay in the sun for a while before I head back to my little haven.  When I feel I am done for the day, I close my door and resume my life as a treasured fiancee'.

There have been some crazy changes in my life these past 3 years.  I had no idea where my life was headed.  I took more than one "leap of faith".  Someone is watching over me, because I seem to always wind up in a better place than I was before. 

I remain eternally grateful.

Make a sharp left turn - I am heading that-a-way!

So, I took another leap of faith and left my job after 18 years.  Who could have predicted such monumental changes in my life in these past 3 years??  

There is definitely an "outside force" leading me down new paths.  In these past years, there have been so many signs along the way, gently guiding me to make huge, life-changing decisions.  Whenever there was a little doubt, there would be another sign assuring me to keep going.

I always told my kids that you can not live your life while you are looking backwards.  It is hard for me to NOT look over my shoulder to see where I have been.  But, I always promise myself to 'just take a glimpse' and then focus my eyes on the road ahead.

As with all my decisions these past few years, I am excited about what the future holds for me as I walk this new, challenging path.  

My life has had many ups and downs, twists and turns.  I have learned how important it is to 'stay present in the moment'.  A task I am still trying to perfect.  I seem to have it under control during the day..... it is the middle of the night that is giving me trouble.  Hey, I'm a work in progress!

I am proud to say that I have one ritual that will never wane.  As each day unfolds, the first order of business is always to be thankful for all my blessings.  Afterall, gratitude is the key that unlocks the door to happiness.

Grateful for the Winter Blues!

It's been a crazy long month.  Between rain, snow, frigid temperatures and this Upper Respiratory Thingy that the Prince and I have been passing back and forth, our extra-curricular activities have been severely limited.  Fortunately for us, we are both "home-bodies" and the 'confinement' has not been a punishment at all.  

We have managed to pass the days by reading, doing crosswords and jigsaw puzzles.  We watch movies and catch up on the endless shows on our DVR.  We cook together and sometimes even manage a little house cleaning. 

It is nice that we always seem to be 'on the same page'.   I am sure our easy-going attitudes are the result of just wanting a happy life together.   Having come from long (good) marriages and losing our partners has definitely changed us.  I believe we have a different perspective on life now.  We understand that all the little things (the everyday things that might annoy other people) do not matter at all.  We know how precious and delicate life is.  

Whereas neither one of us is religious, we both have deep faith.  Several times a week, at least one of us will mention how grateful we are for our good life together.  We both thank God for all we have everyday.  

If we can teach but one lesson to our grandchildren, I would choose Gratitude.

Happy First Birthday, Jamie

Happy Birthday, Jamie!!  I said this to you on the night you were born, and here it is one year later, already...

You have brought us more joy that you will ever know.  We have watched you grow from a little marshmallow into a feisty one-year-old.  Your face holds endless emotions and you never cease to make us laugh.  

After raising our own families, it has been a treat to share in your development.  We remember the milestones of our own children, but we were so busy with life, that we often forgot to revel in the miracles that a child offers.   We are so fortunate to have you close-by and have the opportunity to see you often and witness your tiny achievements.   

You might never realize how much you are loved.... from Heaven down to earth.   You are blessed to have Grandparents who see, hug, and kiss you all the time.  You also have a Papa in Heaven who smiles down on you and watches over you everyday.

Jamie, you are such a blessing to this family.  We can't wait to see what the future holds for you.  Happy Birthday, little one.

Love you dearly,
Grandma and Grandpa

Partners!!

Grandpa and Jamie

4 Generations