Thanksgiving Re-Cap

This was the first Thanksgiving I had ever spent without anyone from my "biological" family present.  I guess I now know how my kids feel when they have a holiday with "the in-laws".   The Prince and I realize things can become a little complicated... sharing our time between our kids.  The bottom line is, it is our time now and as long as we are together, everything else will fall into place.

It was a little strange, at first, being the only 'outsider' at a major holiday dinner.  However, the "C-Unit" is indeed very charming (it's in their genes) and they made me feel wanted and welcome.  It was fun to hear them tell me stories about Prince Charming - as only an offspring could tell.  I am sure I had heard some of these stories from the Prince in the past, but their versions are what I will always remember.

PC's  grandchildren were there - 19 months, 25 months and 5 yrs old.  Imagine my delight, being on the floor, interacting with the 3 of them!  There is nothing sweeter than an unsolicited hug from a child.  

I don't recall much about the food or drink.  I barely remember the 4 hours in the car that day.  What I will never forget is how I felt as I went to bed that night.  Everyone sleeps better when they have a content heart.


  

Time to Give Thanks

Can you believe 'the holidays' are upon us already?  I guess it is true, the older we get, the faster the clock ticks!

I have come a long way since last Thanksgiving.  There is hole in my heart that will always be there, but it now rests comfortably, surrounded by love.

This year's Thanksgiving list does NOT include a menu!

I am thankful for my children.  They are truly good people.  They continue to be a source of pride and strength for me.  Their love and loyalty for me and each other is deeply rooted.

I am thankful for my extended family.  You have felt my pain and watched me as I heal.  You have offered nothing but love and support.  You have all rejoiced in my happiness, lately!  It is more than our shared DNA that keeps our bond so strong.

I am thankful for my friends - old ones and new ones.
My life is very different now.  It has been an adjustment for my old friends and I thank them for being on this roller coaster with me.
I am grateful for my new friends who travel this same road.  Life dealt us all a cruel blow, but we found each other.  Until one has walked in our shoes, they cannot fully understand what we go through. So thankful we have been there for eachother.

I am thankful for having Prince Charming in my life.   He makes me laugh everyday.  He makes me feel loved.  He has embraced my family and he has shared his loving family with me.  He makes me feel alive once again.  I can only hope that I do the same for him.  I am looking forward to all that life has in store for us.

I am most thankful for the lessons I have learned.... 

• I work very hard to 'stay present in the moment'.    
• I never pass up the opportunity to tell someone I love them.
• I hug and kiss my loved ones OFTEN.
• I smile always - it is good for my heart.
• I look for the 'good' in everyone.... it's worth the effort.
• Life is way too short - I live without regrets. 

Random pix

Daughters: Allison and Michelle

Sons: Michael and Bobby

Brandy and Prince Charming

                           "Yes, I am a package deal!" 

A humble thank-you to my readers.....

I recently went to a 50th Anniversary Celebration of the opening of my High School - Maria Regina Diocesan High School in Uniondale.  We were the 5th graduating class (1974).

It was wonderful meeting with my group of classmates that have reconnected - this time with our "significant others".  I was proud to introduce Prince Charming to the group.  There was hugging, laughing, eating and drinking..... even an after-party at the Marriott!!

For me, the best part of the night was being approached by several classmates whom I did NOT know in school.  They have been reading this blog and took the time to seek me out and say such nice things to me.  To you ladies, I say, "Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your kind words.  They mean more to me than you could ever know."

Did you see the hammer?

I have been offered lots of different advice lately (most of it unheeded).  I am sure everyone means well.....

"Go on vacation together - you never really know someone until you spend 24/7 with them"

"Spend time with his kids - they will show you the REAL person he is"

"Push his buttons!  Get him angry!!  - you will see his true colors when he loses his temper"

Well, my friends, I had my own barometer!  We decided to make-over a bathroom together.  That is the REAL test of compatibility!   Removing wallpaper, prepping the walls, picking paint colors, measuring and cutting the wainscot and moulding, and finally, adding decorative touches!

There were a couple hurdles...... but I have a tendency to only remember the laughs we had.  I think there was spilled paint, misplaced pencils and tools, apprehension about color and moulding placement - perhaps even a few more bumps in the road.  In all fairness, PC did most of the work, I was merely an "apprentice" this time around.

That being said, whenever I look into that bathroom now - I see a project that we did together.  Just a small room in the life we are building together.  It makes me smile.

Yours.....Mine......Ours?

I think one of the biggest hurdles in a relationship at this age is that we are a "package deal".  I come with kids, their partners, their children, and pets.  Love me, love my family!

When Prince Charming and I started dating, it was my children who insisted on meeting him.  I guess they wanted to size up the guy who seemed to have stolen my heart.  To be honest, I didn't think twice about it.  I knew my kids.  They were not going to be a**holes.  They would be courteous and warm (to his face), have a discussion with eachother, then give me the consensus of their opinion.  I also knew PC well enough to know he could hold his own under such careful inspection.  I could never have fallen for someone who could not.  He was a good man, with good values and a fabulous sense of hunor.

One by one, the kids (and their respective partners/kids/pets) met PC.  There were handshakes, smiles and pleasant conversations.  At the end of each gathering, there were hugs and kisses.  I knew immediately that I had the right man by my side.  My children agreed.

Then it was time for me to meet Prince Charming's kids.  WAIT!!!!    WHAT?!?!?!?!  Somehow, in all my careful research prior to entering the dating world, I completely disregarded the fact that "I" would ever be under such scrutiny.  But, as they say, "live and learn!"  There were 4 offspring (and partners, etc.) - they loving call themselves the "C-Unit" ("C"  for Charming, I'm sure!).


At first I was a bit nervous about meeting the chldren of someone who had become so important to me.  When we fell in love, it was just "us", not the myriad (or so it was beginning to seem) of people who had to grace us with their approval.  When I finally regained my grip on reality  - I faced the inevitable and let the chips fall where they may.  Afterall, if their dad found something special in me, I am sure they will see it too, right?  I greeted each offspring (et.al) with a smile and warm embrace.... each meeting was different and each was special in its own way.  I could easily spot a piece of Prince Charming in each child and, as a result,  I felt an instant connection to each of them.

Our chidren are no longer just "names" that we talk about.  They are all family now.

We are both looking forward to watching our family grow.

Growing older or wiser?

I fully intended this blog to be a legacy for my grandchildren someday.  In looking over the posts for the past 9 years, I am proud to say that future generations will have a true glimpse into my everyday life.   But, for now.....

This has been such an intersting time for me.  As I prepare for the arrival of my new grandchild in a couple months, I can't help but reflect on how the recents events in my life have affected me:

I learned to live life as a widow.  I have survived 100% of the worst days of my life.  I believe in me.  I can do anything.

I understand how one chapter of your life can end and another new exciting chapter is just around the corner - if you open your heart for it.

I now see my children as responsible adults that I can lean on from time to time if need be.

I found that falling in love is indeed possible at any age.

I witnessed how "friends" come in and out of your life - not sure how or why, but I've learned not to question any one else's motives.

The older I get, the less I care about what others think.  I realize how short life is and I know I just want to be happy - and it is MY definition of happiness that matters.

My dad always said, "you don't need a LOT of money, you just need ENOUGH money".  I finally understand this.

I know that "worrying about a problem" has never changed the outcome.  I now choose to spend that time doing something else.

I understand the expression, "man makes plans, and God laughs".  I never take future plans too seriously anymore.

Does this make me "Cinderella"?

I have decided to call my new beau Prince Charming.  In a way, he has rescued me from myself.

As we all know, I was very fortunate to have a Wonderful man in my life for nearly 40 years.  He taught me about love, true love.  When he died, I mourned him deeply.  I also mourned the loss of MY life as I knew it.  I never thought I would ever be loved like that again or find someone for me to love like that.

Prince Charming unexpectedly came into my life and things changed.  As time progressed, my heart was, once again, filled with deep emotion.  This man fell in love with me and I with him.  I have learned that love at 59 or love at 19 - it's a beautiful thing!

Being we were both widowed after long, successful marriages, we understand what it takes to nurture such a realtionship.  We click.  We work.  We have the same morals, priorities and goals.  We are happy.  The framework for our puzzle is complete.

Family is our top priority. We both have kids.  That's a whole lot of added puzzle pieces!   We are ok..... we know the puzzle will come together, perhaps not overnight, but the finished product will be frame worthy.

My life is very different now.... and it should be.  My old life is over.  This is my new life.  It feels good to love again and to face each day with an honest smile.

Quick Catch-Up

1.  Bobby and Suse are having a baby - due date 2/21/17

2.  Bobby and Suse had a devastating house fire in August.  They were not hurt.  They are living in my house now.  The rebuild should take a year.

3.  Had another wonderul outing with the MR High School girls.  Lunch and a Broadway show for 14 of us.  So blessed to have these women in my life.

4.  I have found happiness in my new relationship.  "Mr. ***** (nickname pending) makes my heart smile...

The heart knows no distance

I always talk about my amazing family - my kids have been such a lifeline for me.... But, my "family" stretches far beyond the reach of my children.

I am grateful to have a loving, warm, extended family of cousins who constantly watch over me - no matter how far away they live!!  The genuine concern and love is so evident in their phone calls and texts.    Each one has a different style.... but their love always shines through.  They never stand on ceremony ... never wonder "what is the right thing to say".  Their agenda is always the same: to let me know they are thinking about me, see if I need anything, and to tell me they love me.  It always makes me smile to hear from them.

I have 9 first cousins - (18 counting their spouses).- from New York, New Jersey, Florida, Utah, and California....I am so blessed to have this relationship with most of my cousins' children (26 of them) as well!!  

"A heart is not judged by how much YOU love, but by how much YOU are loved by others". (Wizard of Oz)

Grooving - Part 4

Being back in the dating game has been both scary and enlightening.   Dating at 59 is a lot different than dating at 19!!

At 19, I think I was looking for a potential husband and father to my future children.  Now, I am just looking for someone to love and who will love me.

I want someone who thinks I am wonderful and who I think is a "stand-up kinda guy".  I want someone who thnks that their fanily is important, because my family will always be inportant to me.  I need someone who does not sweat the small stuff - I've been through a crap load of big stuff and the little stuff will never use up any energy in my life.  I want a partner who is just as comfortable sitting on the couch watching TV as he is in a tuxedo dancing the night away.

I have decided to be up-front and honest with anyone I go out with.  The first phrase that flows from my mouth is, "If you are looking for a bed-partner, please look elsewhere,  I've never been intersted in casual sex".  I've yet to have a man walk away from the table after hearing this from me.  Not sure if they just didn't want me to think they were shallow or they saw it as a challenge!  In any case, my main concern has always been ME and how I feel.

If I decided that I might want to go on a second date with a guy, at some point I would say, "If you have to choose between me and someone else, please do not choose me."  I would then explain that I was in a class of my own.  I needed to find someone who was going to love me like I was accustomed to being loved!!

I don't think I was so "in charge" of my life at 19.   It is nice to be so confident now. I understand that I do not have to settle for anything less that I want and deserve.

I must admit, I am enjoying the ride..... 

Sage Dating Advice to Mature Women

When my grandfather passed away, my grandmother wore black for a year and would not watch TV for an "acceptable" amount of time.  The thought of dating was simply 'off the table'.  Thankfully, things have evolved throughout the years.  The thought of being alone at age 58, for the rest of my life, was just so depressing.

As I have entered the "dating arena"  -  I have made many observations - both amongst the men that are out there and my fellow widows.  This is for my sister-widows:

1.  As my son told me, "Remember, YOU are the prize"!

2.  YOU are in charge of your life.  YOU make all the decisions.

3.. When in doubt, always remember, there is NO wrong answer.  YOU are judged by NO ONE!

After so many years of being a wife and mother, it was hard to switch roles and be "a woman" again. This was so incredibly intimidating  - but SO WORTH THE WORK!

I am the prize.  I am in charge.  

The Groove - part 3

So, apparently my prior list was unreasonable..... personally, I thought it was a great start!  After running it by some friends, and waiting for them to stop laughing, I've decided to think long and hard and revise the list a bit:

NO DRAMA!!!  (will always be at the top of my list!)
Sense of humor
Soft spoken
Good vocabulary
Taller than me (I'm 5'3')
Attentive
Affectionate
Appreciative
Weigh more than me
Good kisser

So, my faithful readers - do you have any single male friends that fit the bill?

getting back the groove - part 2

I guess the first step is to decide what I am looking for.  I decided to make a list,  like a shopping list!

No ex-wife
No kids
No parents
No siblings
Has to weigh more than me


That's my first draft.

Lemonade stands and life lessons

With the onset of Summer, fond memories pop into my head of years gone by.  One of my favorites is how the kids would make a lemonade stand several times each Summer.  They would work diligently to build the structure then come raid my house for supplies.

I can still see their little faces as they "hawked their product" - squealing with delight every time someone stopped to make a purchase.  I was so proud of their little entrepreneurship!!

Whereas they took on this project to make money, what they actually earned were life long lessons that just cannot be taught.  They learned a lot about teamwork and people skills.

I love how, to this day, we all stop every time we see a couple kids with their lemonade stand.  We ALWAYS make a purchase.  I guess we were all "paying it forward' before it became popular.

Some things just cannot be taught in a classroom......

Guga gets her groove back - Part 1

Well, I made it.  One year under my belt.  I promised myself that if I made it through the first year, I would be ok.  So, I guess I am ok - but not really.  

I know I have already survived the worst days of my life.  I know I am fearless.  I know I am blessed with the best children, who continue to be a source of strength and pride.  I know I am alone.

I have many friends - old, true friends - old acquaintances - and new friends who are also widows.  My days are full with work, my evenings are booked with different activities, my weekends are wrapped around family activities. But I am alone.

My brain has a little whirlwind inside.  There are just so many thoughts and nothing is sorted out.  From the outside, I look like I am ok and my life seems organized.  Then, I slow down a bit and the whirlwind starts spinning faster than ever.  I have SO MANY blessings.  I have made my peace with God.  I have so many reasons to smile.  But, I am alone.

In talking to other widows who had good marriages, there seems to be a common thread.  We know what a good relationship is and we miss it.  We all want to feel that again.  I want to feel that again.  

...and so I begin the next stage of my life...

A Year Gone 8/5/51-5/26/15

Dear Mike,

A year has passed since you've left.  A part of me feels like you've been gone forever and  sometimes, I feel like you just left me yesterday.  I promised myself that if I could survive the first year, I would be okay.  I survived.

I don't recall a specific time for the changes in me, I only know they happened.  Out of the blue, I realized that my darkest days had taken a turn and I was heading in a different direction.   I noticed I was crying less and finding it easier to laugh again.

I stopped being angry.  I was never an angry person, and I did not like the anger that was popping up in my day-to-day life,  I have since let go of it and I am more at peace now.

I no longer doubt myself.  I remembered all those years, how you encouraged me and how we relied on each other.  I realize that I am an intelligent, strong woman and I will always think things through and never make rash decisions.

I always knew what a special relationship we had, but I now know how rare that was. You taught me how to love and to feel loved every single day.   I never took it for granted, I just thought all married couples had it.  I will always be grateful for the love we had and the life we gave our children.

I can listen to our wedding song without crying, (most times).  There was a time when any song we EVER danced to reduced me to tears.  Now, I just recall all the good times and smile.  When people mention your name, it does not make me sadder that you are gone - it makes me happy that you touched so many lives and they all remember you so fondly.

I am acutely aware of all things in nature these days.  The sunrises and sunsets, the blooming trees and flowers, butterflies and spiders - all remind me of you and how you were always trying to get me to notice them.

My confidence has returned.  I am back to walking with a spring in my step.  Most days, when I smile, I really mean it!  I am fearless.

I have watched the kids' lives change and move forward.  In the beginning, I was leaning on them a lot, now they are chasing me to spend time with me.  When we are all together and we talk about you, there are no more sad tears.  There are lots of smiles and many belly laughs - you have left them quite a legacy.  You are present in their day-to-day lives.

I will ALWAYS love you and miss you, but I did survive this year.  

I am okay.

Mother's Days

Sunday is Mother's Day for the whole world.  I will celebrate it, I am sure - however, I am very grateful for my children who make me feel like everyday is Mother's Day...

I am the mother of the kid that:

...texts me everyday

,.. always asks the right questions

...  can sense when I am having a bad day

... calls everyday on the way to work and on the way home. .. we never seem to run out of things to talk about

... is unpredictable with the phone calls, but is always sincere and concerned

.... encourages me to continue to live my life to the fullest

... checks in and asks about my evenings, making sure to have me over for dinner on a free night.

... offers to be my designated driver when there is a "drinking event" on the calendar

... worries about seasonable chores that need to be done around my house - and makes sure they are done

... senses when I am in need of a pick-me-up and has flowers/surprises sent to me for no reason at all

... reminds me how much Mr. Wonderful loved me and what a role model he was for all of  his children

... is raising my granddaughters and teaching them to be the most magnificent human beings

... presumes they are in charge of my life now - LOL - (I'll just let that fantasy continue for a while!)


Best of all,  I have kids that think I am wonderful (most of the time!)

Recharging all the batteries...

I just returned from a visit to Florida to see Allison and Lisa.  It was 5 days of bliss!  There was no agenda.  Most days were spent in pajamas and/or bathing suit.  

I went to bed when I was tired.  I slept as late (or as little) as I needed to .  I ate when I was hungry.  I had a cocktail whenever the mood required one.   I laid on the beach and relaxed by their pool.  I sat on their porch: sometimes engaged in lively conversation, sometimes quietly reading my book.  I saw the sunrise from my bedroom window each morning - and the sunset at the beach was simply breathtaking.

This was more like a retreat than a vacation.  My brain, my emotions, my body and soul all had time to rejuvenate.  Counting my blessings, once again.

Contractors R Us!

Storchevoy Sunday took a different turn this weekend.  We were at Bobby and Suse's house.  Bobby wanted to build a raised flower bed for his vegetable garden.

Prior to the start of the project, my contribution was my Math skills!  How much wood do we need?  How much soil do we need?  

Happy to say, the boys and I made a wonderful memory building and filling the structure.

#BESTSONSEVER

It's been  a rough week..... I must stop looking at the calendar.    We are approaching 11 months...

I am not sure when I became such a "needy bitch", but apparently, this is just another stage of widowhood - HATE IT!!!

The almighty sons  were at my beckon call this past weekend.  They did many little chores around the house.... things I never thought about, but they were surely paying attention when their dad did them.  Watching those two work together makes me laugh and cry.  They are incredible men, but I still see them as 8 and 6 yrs old.  They changed my outdoor light bulbs and cleaned gutters - neither of them relishing the idea of climbing a 20 foot ladder..  Hearing them discuss who was going on the roof was especially sweet.  They recalled the times their Dad pushed them out a window at Grandpa's house to clean his gutters.  WHAT WAS HE THINKING???  LOL!!

As I said, it's been a teary week - and each afternoon I seemed to have a crazy mishap that nearly put me over the edge:

Monday - the high-hat over my front window died.  Called the son.  (in my defense, they are in the process of changing all the lights to LED - I had NO idea what I needed to get to replace that bulb)

Tuesday - went for a pedicure - could not find my car key.  Called the son.  After he arrived with a spare key, they found my key - IN A POTTED PLANT IN THE FRONT OF THE SALON!!!  (The son still gets credit for coming, with a smile)

Wednesday - came home to find a stray cat trapped in the garage and one of my kitchen cabinet doors hanging askew.  Called the son.  Cat set free, door temporarily fixed (permanent fix this weekend). Had dinner with the son and son-in-law....

I am sure Mike is smiling down at his boys.  He was an incredible role model for them.  There is nothing they won't attempt to fix - and they are successful all the time!  They are so attentive to me... such a blessing.  I am hoping I am just "going through a stage" and I will grow out of this neediness.  In the meantime, I am just looking at this as payback for me not killing them when they were teens!

The first day of the rest of my life

 

I have had a lot of 'firsts' this past year.  I am happy to say that I've survived them all.  I made it through the saddest of days, and I enjoyed some of the most wonderful days, as well.

I have come to realize that, although I am surrounded by caring family and friends, I have to be my best advocate in life.  Ultimately, all decisions are up to me alone, now.  Who wants to start over at age 59?  I guess I do...

 I consider myself a "work in progress".... shouldn't we all?

Such a "Beautiful" day....

Went to see a Broadway show this weekend with my high school classmates.  There were 10 of us.  It was something we were all looking forward to for months.  We met for brunch, 2 hours prior to showtime.  After the show, some had to leave.... Some stayed for cocktails at the bar in Penn Station (we are such a classy group!) - some decided to forego the next train and stay, just a little while longer.  A couple of us stopped on the way home for dinner and continued conversation.

It was a magnificent day.  It was not about the show or the meals.  It was about 10 women. Ten gorgeous, intelligent, warm, loving women....

The only common thread is our time in a Catholic High School.... What is it that makes us so comfortable with each other?  My guess is "shared values"...


Love these "BEAUTIFUL" women...

It's all about choices

I am a fun person...  (so I've been told).

In my ever changing life, I am bouncing between the single teenager I was 40 years ago and the person I am today who buys "senior" tickets as entry to the movies (this grey hair works in my favor sometimes).  These past 40 years were filled with responsibility - being an attentive wife and the best mom I could be.  Well, my "wife" title no longer applies and my children are all adults.  So, where does that leave me?

I have opened the door to the rest of my life.  I am taking a few things with me: my years of experience, my fragile heart, and my sense of humor.  I like to smile.  I like to laugh.  I like to hear the laughter of others.  I have found that a smile is surely contagious.

Everyone has "crap" - we just carry it differently.  I like to keep mine safely bundled up deep inside. I am learning that life is way too short to give "the crap" center stage.

I have witnessed my kids finding humor in the blandest of situations - I take credit for that!  I am so grateful that I've passed on the importance of laughter.  I am resigned to face the rest of my life with open arms and a smile.... hoping I can make some other people smile along the way....

Easter - an time for renewal

As Easter approached, I found myself starting to creep towards that "rabbit hole" of depression.  Tears would flow for no apparent reason.  I was starting to feel angry.  I was barely sleeping.  I thought, to myself, this was typical as another holiday was upon us.

In talking to a good friend, questions were being posed to me.  Why was I angry?  Who was I angry with, Mike or God?  What was different this week?  Why would I cry and not know why? - 

(I am lucky to have people in my life who will ask the hard questions.)

I tackled those questions like a highly motivated Catholic School Girl with an urgent assignment!  Sure, Easter was nearly here, another freaking holiday alone.  Yes, I have so many people in my life, but I am still alone - and that is why I am angry.  I was a WONDERFUL wife.  I loved being Mike's wife.  I was good at it.  It was the best part of my life.  It just seems so wrong that I am without him now.  Was I angry with Mike?  - Absolutely NOT.  I know how much that man loved me.  He never wanted to leave me.  Perhaps, God and I still need to sort things out.....

My friend (in a very firm voice) then reminded me of a couple things:  I had 39 years of being in love.  How many people can say that?  I have incredible children.  I have my good health. I have a loving extended family who all watch over me.  I have a great job and I am financially stable.   (Sometimes, it takes an outsider to state the obvious.)

Brandy and I went to the beach after work yesterday.  The sun, the sand, the vastness of the ocean.... all gifts from God - along with special people in my life who help me to stay on track.

I think the next step in my grief is to make peace with God.

No need to feel alone....

So last night I walked into a room full of strangers..... apprehensive at first, but it faded quickly.  We were all widows and widowers.  We were all family with a common core.  We've all lost that most special person in our lives.   That was the only thing 65 people had in common - and it was enough.

As I looked around the room, I saw nothing but smiling faces.  Some people knew each other already, but most were strangers to each other - for a minute.  Some lost their spouses a decade ago, some just 6 months ago.  They were not afraid to ask questions:  "When did it happen?" "Was he sick?"  "How long were you married?"  "HOW ARE YOU?"  We've all walked the path, we all know the drill.  I hugged a lot of people last night.   It felt right...it felt good.

This is not a bereavement group.  This is a group of people who want to move on with their lives after a devastating loss.  These people want to live.  No one wants to be eligible for this club.  We just are.

 So grateful to have found them.

Glass House

I never wanted this blog to be about my new status as a widow..... but there are a few observations that need to be addressed.

I have always been a strong willed, independent person.  Sure, I discussed things with Mr. W, but we generally saw eye-to-eye on most things.  His was the only opinion that ever mattered to me.

Since I am alone, I have found that everyone has an opinion on how I should live my life.  I know that people 'mean well' (whatever that means).  But, seriously, unless you have been widowed, you cannot possibly understand my life right now and why you would ever offer life suggestions  befuddles (great word!) me.

Some  suggestions I've heard:
You need to get rid of this big house
You must keep the house now
You don't need those dogs now
You need to keep those dogs for company
You are doing too much
You are not doing enough
You need to get  rid of that car
Take off your wedding ring
Don't take off your wedding ring
You are not getting enough sleep
You need to eat more
You need to go to therapy
You need to find a support group
You need a companion
It is too soon for a companion

To my happily married friends:
Mike and I had a good marriage.  We were truly in love and treasured each other.  'Being in love' was the best part of my life.  This may surprise you all, but I know I would like to experience that again one day.  I will always love Mike, but he is gone from this earth.  I am here and I want to continue living.

To my unhappily married friends:
I know there is a part of you that thinks I have a good life now.  I come and go as I please.  I accept every invitation without having to 'run it by anyone'.  I hop on a plane at a moment's notice.  If I want chips and beer for dinner, so be it.   I watch whatever I want on TV.  I can blast my music through the house.  Just remember, at the end of the day, I come home to an empty house and climb into my bed and sleep alone, night after night....

To all the 'well meaning' folks out there:
My whole life changed in an instant.   There is no way to prepare to be a widow.  I was really good at being a wife - I have been trying very hard to figure out how NOT to do that now.  When did my life become an open book, open for discussion?  Until you've walked in my shoes, please do not judge me.  

I am not the same person I was a year ago.  I will never be that person again.  I was broken and I am now putting my pieces back together - I am putting them back differently now....  I am fearless... 

Updating My Mate

Dear Mike

It just amazes me how most days and nights tend to drag on forever, yet, in the blink of an eye you are gone 9 months already.  A lot has happened since you've left.

First, I fell and broke my ankle and my foot in two places, and severed a ligament.  No, I was not running a marathon, I was simply walking down the steps.  This has certainly slowed me down a bit - but you know I am like the Energizer Bunny -and  I just keep going.

Michael decided that I needed an alarm on the house.  He arranged everything and made me promise to use it religiously.  AND I DID, for a little while, anyway....  Bobby changed the locks on the doors, too.  I am still trying to figure out if they are trying to keep me locked in or out!!

The holidays were a drag, but we all survived them.  I know I am kidding myself when I say next year will be better - but you also know I will do what I have to do to make sure the "smiles" remain in our home.  God Bless our kids, they can find humor in damn near anything - and I welcome it.

The extended family has been amazing.  Those loud, crazy, warm Italian cousins stay in constant touch and keep me hopping.  I've been to Tampa, Cape May, North Jersey, and Daytona -  Salt Lake City is next!  They all tell such wonderful stories of you throughout the years.  You were the first one from our generation to leave and they are all realizing how precious life is.  When you died, we made a vow to see each other more often and not just for weddings and funerals. At least once per visit, someone mentions "your perfect hair"!  They are still all so jealous.

Blind Cat has become my best friend.  Remember how that cat would never give me the right time of day???  Now, he insists on sleeping smack up against me every night.  He would sleep on my chest if I let him.  Pepper and Boo have not ventured upstairs since you left.  I see them occasionally as I tend to them each morning.  Do you hear me cussing as I clean their litter boxes and wash out their bowls??

Brandy is still mourning you.  She developed a nervous condition where she would constantly lick her arms.  The Vet suggested I put her on Prozac -  you KNOW I am not agreeing to that!  She wore your long sleeve T-shirts for most of the Winter.  I think that helped comfort her a bit, and saved her arms from permanent damage.  Louie?  Well, you know Louie..... I don't even think he notices you are gone.  He always was such an ass!!  It is good to come home to these two rascals each day.

The boys decided that I needed to put the car in the garage this Winter.  They worked very hard to clear out one side of the garage to accommodate the Jeep.  I gave Bobby the tool chests.  He and Michael worked together to make sure all the tools were properly divided.  They only made one mistake - they did not leave me ANYTHING!!!  Now, whenever they have to fix something at the house, they scrounge around the house to find "tool substitutes"!  I think they decided to buy a new bunch of stuff to keep at our house.  They made me practice backing into the garage over and over - YES, I did it just to placate them - HOWEVER, the very next day, I pulled the car in and have not backed it in ever since!!  Michael put up a STOP sign to mark the place I should stop the car.  Bobby did not think that was sufficient.  He hung a wooden monkey (I am not kidding) that knocks into the windshield each day.  The good news?  I always stop the car prior to going through a wall!!

It is time to paint the inside of the house.   The kids reminded me that my choice of paint color would include 9 different shades of white and as a result, they have decided that I CANNOT change any of the existing colors.  Of course, during one of my cleaning rants, I tossed every paint can I could put my hands on and we have no idea what colors you actually chose 5 years ago.  We sent Brett to Benjamin Moore for color charts.  We are now on the second week of trying to match those one inch squares with the paint on the walls - I am sure you are laughing!   I was also informed that I am "not allowed" to have the bedroom painted - Remember, over  our headboard, are the words "Just one lifetime won't be enough for us" - and the kids added "and we will torture each other for all of eternity" - No one is ready for that to disappear....

The original lemon tree died ... ok, so maybe I didn't water it as much as I should have - BUT, in my defense, I remember to water the dogs everyday!  The little lemon tree yielded 2 lemons!!  We promptly made "lemon drop shots" and savored every bit.  There is no other fruit on the tree - not sure how long I will have to keep watering this one before I can let it die a natural death.....

I did find a stack of old lottery tickets - and I made Bobby take them to your little store to be checked -  Everyone of them was a winner!  $2 here, $3 there, etc.  I took all the money and played your number (526) everyday for a couple months.  Sadly, I didn't win a dime - but I did enjoy checking the results each day.

Hey!  What's with the rocks??  I have found rocks in nearly every one of your drawers.  There was a little bag in your closet and even that was full of rocks.  I keep putting them on the side of the house.  Sometimes, I come home from work and find a rock or two in the driveway.   Is that you??

I have learned that our marriage was quite special.  I almost find it humorous that we did not know that!  I know we both worked hard at our marriage everyday - we each made it a priority in our lives.  I also know that we not only loved each other, but we were IN love.  I miss you everyday, but I am so grateful that you are pain free and at peace.  You taught me so much about life, but you never taught me how to live it without you by my side.  I am working on that everyday.

I find it adorable that Allison will call/text everyday and ask, "Are you having a good day today?"  I am careful to be "up" most days -  I know that if I am having a bad moment, it will soon pass and I do not need for her to try to figure out a way to 'make me better'.  I am working hard to bring her back to being my daughter and not my emotional caretaker.

Michelle is still trying to get me to dye my hair!!  She seems obsessed with getting me to look younger and eat well!   I just laugh and do as I please - I know you are not surprised.

Storchevoy Sundays continue to occur - WHEN I AM FREE ON A SUNDAY!   I find the kids just like to be together, cooking and laughing.  I love that they seem to linger at the table longer, too.  Sometimes, they discuss my life, right in front of me, as if I was not there!!  It just tickles me to watch them together.  We did a good job with these kids - it wasn't ever easy, but it was totally worth the work.  They are simply good human beings - who could ask for more than that?

So, my dear, have you noticed how different I am?  I am no longer simply "Mike's Wife".  I fell apart when you left...but I am slowly putting myself back together again.  I am putting the pieces back differently now.  I no longer think in terms of "we".  In our true fashion, I still go everywhere I am invited and  I am truly grateful for the distractions.  They say time heals all wounds, so I am working hard to pass the time.  I try not to make long range plans for the future anymore, as I now understand that life can change in an instant.  I still feel sad at times, but I recall all that we had throughout the years and I have learned to turn that sadness into a thankful prayer.

I am smiling more these days as I recall that you never wanted to see me cry.  Yes, life goes on.... but it is a different life.

Love you always.

Shared DNA

I have often spoke of my cousins.  We really and truly grew up more like siblings.  I am so grateful to have them in my life.  Even though we are separated by miles, it seems that nothing can come between us.

In the days, weeks and months that followed my saddest days, my cousins all helped pave the way to my new life.  It was such a comfort to know they were all just a phone call away, yet, I never had to reach out at all - they all stayed with me... at an arm's length.

Getting through this first year of holidays has been an emotional chore.  Trying to balance the need to grieve and the necessity to be strong for my kids has been exhausting.  Often, I could not find the strength and the kids had to hold me up.  Since then, I have been working overtime to prove to them, and myself, that I will survive.  I am strong,  I am different.  I am!

After Christmas, I decided I needed to break tradition a bit.  I took off for 4 days and went to visit cousins in North Jersey.  These boys are truly like brothers to me.  I am grateful that they live within a mile of each other and it turned out to be a 4 day mini family reunion.  We went from house to house - and all the "second generation cousins" (their kids) made appearances the whole time.  This was a major step in my growth.  It was a true realization that I am alone.... not in a bad way.... I am just alone.

If I want to go away for the weekend.  I go.  No one to ask, no one to discuss it with.  I just go.  AND I GO A LOT!!!  Perhaps I am running away?  Perhaps I am searching for something?  Who's to say... this works for me right now.  Thankfully, I have cousins near and far - and I can travel as close or as far as I need to be on any given weekend.

Visited Cousins in North Jersey.  Visited Cousins in Daytona.  Visiting cousins in Utah.
Next on the agenda: cousins in the rest of New Jersey!

Time to purge!

In my unending effort to re-invent ME, I have just finished going through my closets.  My recent weight loss has rendered more than half the clothes in there useless.  In the past, I never would have purged all those clothes, I would have just moved them to a different room!!  Not today...

I must have tried on 20 pairs of black dress pants: wide legs, skinny legs, short ones, long ones, loose ones and tight ones - YOU NAME IT, I had it!  I tossed them all!!  I have not purchased a pair of black dress pants since we are living in this house (nearly 12 years!)  Will some of them come back in style?  Will any of them fit better another time?  Should I hold on to any of them?  Not today...

Anything with a stain was tossed - in the past I would have saved those T-shirts and sweatshirts for "when I did dirty work".  Not today....

I even went through my underwear and pajamas!!  Do I really need 48 pairs of panties? stretched out bras? 10 year old pajamas?  Not today...

This allowed me to open Mike's closet.... the boys had taken anything they wanted, anything that they could use.  I tossed anything with a stain on it (specifically a coffee stain right in the middle of the chest!).  Was I ready to get rid of everything?  Not today...

The Veterans are picking up 10 bags of clothes today.  Am I sad to see it all go?  Not today...

A Mother's gift...

When you have a bunch of kids with partners, there is a good chance you will be celebrating a birthday at least once a month!!

We celebrated Michael's birthday this week.  We sat in a HUGE booth in the restaurant and proceeded to eat and laugh for nearly 3 hours.  Can you think of a better way to celebrate your special day?

As a mom, my heart just fills with emotion as I watch my kids interact and genuinely have a good time together.  The love they have for each other is just so evident.  Mr. W and I may not have done everything right in our life - but we sure did a good job of teaching our kids the meaning of family.

When I see them hug and kiss each other 'hello'  - engage in unending conversation and laughter - then hug and kiss each other 'good-bye' and say "I love you" - all my troubles melt away.  I know, no matter what happens in this life, these kids will stick together.

Smiling with Strangers

Went to a Wine Tasting in the city last night with Michael and Brett.  It was a small room with one long table.  Twenty-six strangers proceeded to share a meal and taste some wine.

I was so fortunate to be sitting next to a friendly gentleman who immediately introduced himself to me.  His wife sat on the other side of him.  The conversation eventually revealed that I lost my husband recently and that I had 39 wonderful years with him.   Dave worked very hard to be attentive to his wife, Melanie,  and to continue to engage me in conversation about my life.   I had a rare opportunity to share some warm, happy memories....

I don't remember every aspect of the food we ate or the wine we drank.  I do remember that I smiled all evening and I was able to talk about my Mr. Wonderful without being sad at all.  At the end of the night, these two strangers hugged and kissed me good-bye and thanked me for restoring their faith in true love...

The MR Ladies

This past weekend, I was honored to host a group of women who went to high school with me.  Since our high school reunion nearly 2 years ago, we have remained in touch through facebook.  This was a spontaneous gathering for cocktails, appetizers and desserts.  You can't imagine my thrill when everyone responded within an hour that they were coming!

Mr. Wonderful and I ALWAYS entertained - we were good at it!  We were the best team!!  It was quite bittersweet to pull this off without him - but, somehow, I knew he was looking on and pushing me to do this.  This was the first big gathering at the house since he died.  My kids kept preaching, "THIS HOUSE IS NOT CLOSED!!"  They were a gentle, but guiding force in helping me pull this off.  Allison sent a list of suggested appetizers, Michael came over to move furniture and have a long talk with the pups telling them to behave, Bobby did the liquor store run and came over that morning to help with last minute preparations.

And then the ladies arrived!  The house "hummed" for hours!  There was kissing and hugging and everyone came in with an addition for the 'feast'.  The girls gathered in little groups at first - and eventually, we all gathered around the dining room table - the talking and laughter never stopped!  They shared stories of high school days, along with events in their lives today.  There was NOTHING about the day that I would have changed....

There is something very special about entertaining women.  No one has to be served.  Everyone was comfortable within 30 seconds.  No one left the room to put on the TV!  No one was watching the clock trying to come up with a reason to leave.  And, best of all, the entire mess was cleaned up before the last guest left!!

"Ladies, thank you all for gathering in my home.  Your presence was so healing for my heart.  I will be forever grateful for the warmth and love you bestowed on me."

Storchevoy "Wednesday"?

Allison invited everyone to my house last night for a Christmas Wrapping/Pizza party - we were to do HER wrapping - LOL!! ....and we did - and by "WE" I mean Suse and I.  Allie took care of everything.  She brought liquid encouragement,  appetizers and she provided the pizza later on.

While us girls were busy little elves in the dining room, the boys were very busy in the kitchen preparing appetizers for us.  I couldn't help but giggle when I saw Bobby searching for just the right platter to serve up the goodies.

This evening was an early Christmas gift to me.  I paid careful attention to their chatter and was just astounded at the things they could find to talk and laugh about!

They critiqued the appetizers:
A date, stuffed with goat cheese and wrapped in bacon:  "The ratio of bacon to date was incorrect,"  "Agreed! There should have been more bacon."  "There should have been a more pungent goat cheese in there."  "The date was too sweet!"

Hot dog rolled in puff pastry:  "These are the best - they roll them in parmesan"  "Are you really dunking that in ketchup"  "Don't judge me!"

Mozzarella sticks:  "Why did they explode?  they are flat!"  "I did that on purpose in case Allison wanted to make a sandwich with them"

Then they started on the stray cats and the weather:
"Do you believe that little cat still comes around here?  He was sleeping on the front steps when I got here and he never moved."

"Dad let that cat sleep in the garage the last 4 Winters!  He is wondering why Mom won't let him in there!"

"That's why we are having a mild Winter - Dad figured the cats would never survive a cold winter and mom would never let any of them take refuge in the garage. You know how dad LOVED 'weather' - he ordered a warm front for his cats!"

Is there anything better than witnessing my kids  find a silly reason to get together and just enjoy each other's company?  To some, this may be a Christmas Miracle - but, not to me.  I am blessed to say, this is just my life.

that moment.....

I am sure it is no surprise that it's been a rough couple weeks.  The surprise is that it is not because the holidays are upon us.

Out of the blue, a realization came over me..... "no one will ever again love me like he did".  I did not call him Mr. Wonderful for nothing!  That man adored the ground I walked on.  He put me first - EVERY SINGLE DAY.  He put me before himself and our kids.  In turn, I put him first in my life every waking moment.  Next realization, "I will never get to love like that again".  I lived over 2/3 of my life thinking this was the norm.....

Sure, I am cranky now - who wouldn't be after such a life change.  Not only did I lose my best friend, my partner in life - I lost that one person who thought "I" was wonderful.  I am hearing from so many people that what I had was not reality.... WHO SAYS?????  It was MY reality! 

There seems to be no end to the tears these days.  Losing the physical part of Mike was so hard, so sad.   But, intellectually, I knew the "physical" Mike had to go, he did not deserve to suffer one more minute.  I understand now that I am coming home to an empty house and sleeping in our bed alone.  There are no more 'date nights'... no more sitting in front of the fire, holding hands... no more togetherness.

The emotional loss is setting in now.  There is no rationalizing this loss.  

December 3, any year

December 3 was my wedding anniversary - "our anniversary".... So strange for the day to come and go without him by my side.

Some people said, "Think of the happy times" - as if that would ease the pain.  There were so many happy times - all that did was make me miss him more.

Some said, "You were lucky to have all those years" - as if luck had anything to do with the longevity of our marriage.

I am a realist and I know that all the time, effort and energy put into making our marriage a good one was worth every bit of the work.  There was no luck involved and we earned all those happy times.
December 3 will always be "our anniversary" - but it will never be a "Happy Anniversary" again.

I am a survivor.  I will get through this and anything else that is tossed in the path of my life.  I always knew I would... I just didn't think I would be doing it alone.

To My Sons

Dear Michael and Bobby,

Everyone knows there is a special bond between mothers and their sons.  That being said, I challenge any mother to try to compare their sons to mine.  In my eyes, they will all fail in comparison, I assure you.

Just like your father, you are both FAR from perfect - but, to me, you are gifts from God - born of the love between your Dad and I,   It's not that I ever took either of you for granted, but lately I have come to realize just what fine men you have become - right before my eyes!

I always thought of myself as a strong, intelligent woman who walked side-by-side with your father.    It is certainly true that since I am alone,  I have had my ups and downs,  It never ceases to amaze me how the two of you seem to be there every time I have stumbled or became temporarily unsure of myself.

I have also witnessed how close the two of you have become.  You are no longer the older brother and the baby brother.  I have seen you switch roles and depend on each other for different things.  I have noticed how you "tag-team" to keep an eye on me.  And it cracks me up when the two of you try to determine what is "best for me"!

Whereas everyday is a adventure for me in defining my "new normal", it has been comforting knowing that you two have always 'got my back'.

All that being said.... it is time for me to go back to being the MOM.  You  have been more than loving and attentive, but it is time for you to put your spouses back as your number one priority.  I promise to rely on you and lean on you when I need you.  I will continue to discuss all important matters with you both, and listen as you give me your feedback.  I promise to relent to your judgement when it comes to your individual matters of expertise.  I see you differently now; you are both extraordinary men who just happen to be my sons.

Most importantly, I make this promise to you: I will continue to work on myself to return to that self-assured, independent woman you have known all these years.

Love you always.
Mom

Revelation

I cried because I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together ....

Then I smiled because I realized he spent the rest of his life with me.

Happy (?) Thanksgiving

Dear Mike

It has been nearly 6 months since that fateful day.  Do you think it is a coincidence that your 6 month anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year?  I think this is just another example of God's sense of humor.  As I am especially grateful every Thanksgiving, I guess I need to decide what I can be grateful for after such an eventful year:

I am thankful that when we met, we fell so deeply in love.  We were committed to each other right from the very start.  I remember our first fight - I thought you were going to walk away from me.  You just laughed at me and said, "We are fighting, silly!  We have to fight once in a while so we can make up!"  Thank you for teaching me that fighting was an inevitable part of our marriage - as was MAKING UP!  This was an important lesson for our kids, too.

I am thankful for us making a pact all those years ago  - You just had to take care of me and I would take care of everyone and everything else.  You truly held up your end of the bargain.  I had no idea what a princess I was until you were no longer here taking care of me.  I am strong and confident.  I know now that I will be ok without you by my side because you will always be in my heart.

I am thankful that having kids was never an issue with us and we raised 5 of them - and I am grateful that I was able to be a 'stay-at-home-mom' while they were young.  We were never flush with funds, but we managed to always make ends meet and give the kids the most wonderful Christmas mornings.

I am thankful that we always put our children first - but never between us.  We always remained a united front, no matter what the issue with the kids - whether we agreed with each other or not, the kids could never pit us against each other.  WE were a force NOT to be reckoned with!!  As adults, they all understand now what a team we were.

I am thankful that our household always contained more than our share of furry friends.  Well, to be honest, I am glad the kids grew up learning to live with pups and kittens - I'm not going to lie - it was really a pain in the ass for me most of the time - but it was a wonderful way for our kids to grow up.

I am so thankful for all the little things you did that never went unnoticed by our kids.  I am reminded, all the time, of your kind ways as the kids all repeat your actions and talk about you..... I hear them saying "I love you" to each other and their partners.  I see them hug and kiss each other - even if they just saw each other yesterday.  They retell stories of your silliness over and over.  We all laugh from our bellies!  They all do imitations of you at the strangest times - and it just warms my heart.  They repeat your crazy phrases and make each other giggle.

On this 6 month anniversary of the saddest day of my life, I am thankful that even though my heart is broken, I can feel the healing begin.

Your loving wife.

Who's the boss

Conversation #1 from Storchevoy Sunday:

Michael:   Mom really should look at the Hyundai Genesis

Bobby:  She's getting an Audi!

Michael:  She doesn't like the Audi anymore.  It has too rough of a ride - she wants comfort now.  The Genesis will offer her that.

Bobby:  Dad would NEVER want Mom to drive a Hyundai



Conversation #2 from Storchevoy Sunday:

Bobby:  Mom, what are you doing with the carpet downstairs?

Me:  I will have someone come in after the Winter and shampoo it for me.

Michael:  Mom, even after you shampoo it, the same thing is gonna happen.

Me:  No, it won't - neither of you live here anymore.  No one eats or drinks down there.  The carpet will stay nice.

Bobby:  We are getting rid of that carpet.  You are putting in ceramic tile.



ME:  WHO DIED AND LEFT THEM TWO BOSS????

Helpful advice to others.....

Things NOT to say to a new widow:

How are you? - How am I???    I lost my partner, my right hand, the left side of my heart!  How do you THINK I am??  There is simply no way to answer this question honestly without going into a long diatribe.  So, inevitably, I will look you in the eye and say, "I'm fine" - but, please do not think that this is how I REALLY am.

He's in a better place. -  Simply put, you will never convince me that there is a better place than right by my side.  I know you mean well, but this is not a soothing sentiment.

You are so strong. - No, really, I am not.  I am just trying to keep my emotions under control.  No one wants to be near a sad, crying woman with a broken heart.  I need to keep it together for my children.  They lost their father, they need to see that their mother is functioning.  They need to grieve with a peaceful heart.  I cannot add to their sadness now.  I am not strong, I am just a good mom.  When I am alone, I am sad and broken - the polar opposite of strong.

This will get better in time. - Really?  And how much time do you think I need to set aside for this to happen?  Can I set my clock?  Put it on my calendar??

Soon, you will be back to normal. - There is no returning to 'normal' for me.  I must find a NEW normal.  Did you forget that the other half of "us" is now gone??  Every part of the last 39 years will never happen again.

I know how you feel, I lost my father, brother, friend, etc. - Unless you lost your spouse, you will NEVER know how I feel.  I know you mean well, but it is just insulting.


Things TO SAY to a new widow:

I was so sorry to hear about your husband -  If you haven't seen me since he died, do not hesitate to express your sympathy.  You are not reminding me that he died, I will never forget it.  It is comforting to have others acknowledge his passing.

Tell me about his last days. - I want you to know how peaceful his passing was.  It is healing for me to retell the events over and over.  It helps me to make sense of my grief.

Tell me the story of how you met. - I want to reminisce and remember the first time my heart was full.  I want to replace the pain in my heart with the joy that was once there, even if it is just for a moment.

I remember...... (tell me something you remember about my husband) - My heart swells with love when you talk to me about a fond memory.  It tells me that his life mattered to others, too.

What is the hardest part of the day? - This answer will change daily.  This will help me to realize that I am not stuck in one place, that I am trying to adjust to my new life.

What makes you smile these days?  This will help me to remember that there are still reasons to smile.  A broken heart can still feel joy at times.

Just sayin'.......

Storchevoy Sundays are back!

Storchevoy Sundays have resumed at my house.  Thankfully, the kids hosted it all Summer long (and by 'the kids', I mean Allison and Lisa).  However, as the cooler weather crept in, my youngest son boldly said to me, "This house is not closed.  We are coming for dinner on Sunday."  I guess he told me!

We are now a couple weeks back on track.  I find myself excited to cook for the kids once again.  I love to cook, and I haven't done so in a while.  I rarely 'cook' for myself during the week, but there is always healthy food in the fridge.  I am managing NOT to waste away - LOL!  By the end of the week, I am planning a menu and on Saturdays I shop for the inevitable feast.

Throughout the years, I have learned that it does not matter what I serve the family as long as we are together.  This being said, I do try to make a LOT of whatever I am cooking so they can all take home a meal of leftovers  and I have some stuff to  nibble on during the week.  Last week, I went to 3 different stores and loaded up the Jeep - then I called Michael and asked him to meet me at the house just to carry the groceries in for me as my broken ankle makes the steps such a challenge, still.

Last Sunday, the kids huddled around the kitchen counter for hours, just nibbling, talking and laughing.  My heart swelled as I embraced their camaraderie.  We all entered the dining room for dinner and the kids cleaned up as I packed up their leftovers.  Everything flowed just so smoothly.  I realized that we had developed our own "kitchen dance".

Storchevoy Sundays are just a little different now.  I cook alone and  I sit at the head of the table.  But the love that permeates the house is still the same.  If you see me counting on my fingers, I am just taking note of all my blessings.

Fearless

I recently took a trip to Florida.  The weather in New York was promising to be anything but sunny, so the timing was perfect.  The charts at the airport reported my departing flight to be on time - YAY!!!  I am happy to say that we did, indeed, board on time.

The problems started at the runway.  There were approximately 4500 planes that had to take off before us (or so it seemed).  We sat on that runway for over an hour - I wonder if Jet Blue still considered this an "on time" flight?!?!?

There were lots of 'weather issues' in the surrounding area, all headed for New York.  Whereas the eventual take off  was uneventful, the ascent to our cruising altitude left much to be desired.  There was non-stop bouncing and lots of funny sounds - it seemed to take forever.  In the past, an experience like this would always result in me holding on tight and saying my prayers.  Not this time...  This time was different.

During this rocky climb, I did grasp the seat arms to steady myself, but mostly I just stared out the window.  I realized, at that moment, that I was not afraid to face demise.  To quote a friend, "death had no hold on me".  I had a quiet conversation with God and simply said, "If you are ready for me, so be it as I know Mike will be waiting there to greet me.  HOWEVER, perhaps all the rest of the people on this plane are not so ready to go, so please think carefully before making a decision."  Imagine that, me giving God advice!!!  Frankly, that wasn't the first time I offered a suggestion to the Lord, and I am sure it won't be the last!!

I have decided that I will define myself in my 'new normal' as "fearless".   Look out world, I am even stronger than I was before!

SLOW DOWN!

Whereas I do not want to start quantifying my life with the numbers of days I have been a widow, I still find myself staring at the calendar and comparing my life to then and now.  I guess it will be a slow transformation to my new life.

I fell a couple weeks ago, in my home.  I was simply walking down the steps toward the front door.  My foot hit the  last step, my ankle violently turned outward, I heard a crack and went flying.  The pain was excruciating.  I laid on my back writhing in agony, screaming.  It was at that precise moment  I realized how alone I really was.  Sure, my kids all live relatively close.  Absolutely, I have wonderful neighbors who will come at a moment's notice.  But, I was alone.  I am alone.

I did have my phone in my pocket and as soon as I was able to 'get a grip', I called Allison who came flying over, picked me up, and carried me to the car.  Dx: Sprained ankle, 2 broken bones in my foot.  I'll live.  I am 3 weeks into recovery.  I am still wearing a God-awful massive boot on my left foot.  I am walking with the aid of a cane.  I have slowed my pace considerably.  Hmm, I wonder if a 'kindly spirit' was trying to get me to slow down all along?  I did ignore the other warning:  Getting stopped by a State Trooper on the Garden State Pkwy going 88 mph.  So who knew my caddy could do that so smoothly that I wouldn't realize? - No ticket, just a 'warning' from a sweet officer named MICHAEL!   (Maybe I am not so alone?)

I find I am constantly struggling with the conflict of wanting to be independent from my children and hating the idea of being without Mike day to day.  I am not lonely.... I just miss him terribly.  I guess this is the part that time is supposed to 'heal'.

Like my foot, my heart still needs to be cradled.  I will get there.... baby steps...

Celebrating a Life

August 5 is Mike's birthday.  I chose this date to spread his ashes as it was the only day of the year that he did not mind being the center of attention.

I was planning the day for weeks.  I did not want it to be a day of mourning, as we mourned his death when he died.  I truly wanted this to be a day of love and celebration of all that he was to us.

We all met at the beach,  Our beach.  The beach that he and I sat on oh so many times.  We would go there on the weekends in early mornings and just enjoy the sun and the sound of the waves.  Sometimes, we would just sit there, holding hands and stare at the water.  We would go there in the evenings with a picnic dinner and enjoy the serenity long after the crowds left.  When it was too cold to get out of the car, Mike would find a place to park so we could still see the water when we ate our dinner.  This is where we planned our final resting place. 

We all walked down towards the water together.  We stopped at one point and everyone dropped their shoes.  We huddled in a circle and the kids took turns reading from a letter that my dear friend wrote as a tribute to Mike - the way she saw his life.  She recalled simple stories of the past 20 years, including all the kids..... such a gift.

Then we all walked to the water's edge.  It was a perfect night.  A slight breeze, blowing towards the water and a sunny sky with scattered clouds.  One by one, the kids took handfuls of his ashes and walked further into the water.  Each taking a few moments to speak to their Dad, their Pop, their confidant, their friend.  I took the remaining ashes and walked a distance and had my conversation as I let his remains gently scatter.

The boys carefully tucked a car magazine into a bottle and sent it out, "Dad will need something to read..."

I sent out a yellow rose - the first flower he ever gave me, our special flower.

I said some closing words to the kids.  I reminded them to cherish his memory and let it live on., to be happy for tomorrow because of all the yesterdays.  I told them that Dad wants them to smile, open their eyes, love and go on.

Then, we did what we do best.  We gathered at our favorite restaurant and had a birthday party!  We toasted the guest of honor, shed a couple tears and shared a lot of laughs.  I am sure my Mr. Wonderful was smiling and happy to be the center of attention - just this once. 

one hurdle at a time

In my desperate attempt to get through each day with my usual optimistic demeanor, I find that the simplest of actions can reduce me to tears.  I am learning that it is okay to cry.  My cousin told me that I have to hurt, so I can heal.

Storchevoy Sundays have come and gone.  They started off a little quieter than usual, but the volume is starting to pick up.  I sit in Mike's chair at the head of the table now.  I could not leave an empty chair, and no one else would dare sit there.  It was awkward at first, but it seems ok now.

Allison and I cooked for hours for the 4th of July.  It was our first cooking marathon in a long while and it was totally therapeutic.  God Bless Lisa who followed us around the kitchen and cleaned up after us all day long.   The party came off without a hitch and the food was fabulous -  we all missed Mike, and eventually, the day passed.

This weekend, I will go to my cousin's son's wedding.  I am looking forward to seeing  the entire extended family.  I will be surrounded by people all weekend, yet I will be alone.  Mike and I booked this hotel a year ago.... "A weekend get-away with the bonus of a wedding".  As was our usual practice, we went everywhere we were invited, no questions asked.  The thought never occurred to me to cancel these plans.  Life goes on.... this wedding will happen with or without me, but I was invited, and I will be there.  Mike will be missed.... and the day will pass.

Healing is long process.  One day at a time is all I can manage.

a letter to Mr. W.

Dear Mike

It's been nearly a month since you've gone.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that you are not here.  My brain wants to understand, but my heart just can't.

I wake each morning and stare at your pillow.   The mornings are so quiet.  Sure, the dogs are anxious to go out, but even their demeanor has changed.  They just wait patiently for me to shower, knowing I will tend to them soon enough.  Each day, when I leave for work, I say out loud, "I'll be careful", as those were always the last words you said to me each morning.

Inevitably, a song will come on the radio that reminds me of "us".  I cry a lot in the car.   I talk out loud to you in the car.  Do you hear me?  I know you are there, critiquing my driving, as always.  I find myself watching the gauge on my gas tank now - that was also your job.... 

As I leave my office each day, I stare down at my phone, as I always called you before I even reached my car.  The ride home is always so quiet.... My eyes fill with tears as I pull into the driveway each afternoon....still not believing that you are not in the house waiting for me. 

We always talked about how amazing our kids were, but I hope you are seeing them now.  Michael and Bobby call me twice a day!  They are in and out of the house taking care of things that only you would remember to do.   They are working so hard to ease my pain and loneliness.  I can see so much of you in both of them.  You taught them well.  I hear from Allison everyday - no matter where she is in the world!  Michelle is always so strong for me; and you know that is not easy for her.  I hope you are proud of our kids... I know I am.

Friends and neighbors have been so thoughtful.  They all check up on me, without being intrusive.  Everyone wants to make sure I am eating okay - it is so sweet.   I hear from all the cousins - every day a different one sends a text or calls.  I hope you can see now what an impact you had on so many people. 

People try to say the 'right' things to me.  They remind me that you fought so hard and that you are  no longer in pain.  I guess that should comfort me.... My least favorite sentiment is, "Mike is in a better place now."  I will never believe there is a better place than right by my side.

In the evenings, the silence in the house can be deafening at times... to fill the time, I "rewind the tape and replay the memories" we've made throughout the years.  That makes me smile and cry.  We had a good life filled with blessings. 

They say time heals all wounds.  They never say how much time ....

Love you always.

Resting in Peace

It's been three weeks, but it is all still so surreal to me....

It was just before Memorial Day weekend.  Mike was getting a little worse each day.  On Wednesday night, he was struggling to swallow pills to kill his pain.  He finally agreed to let me call Hospice in the morning.  Hospice arrived on Thursday and hooked him up to a pain pump that evening.

He slept comfortably Thursday night and Friday was uneventful.  The kids were at the house all weekend.  I knew they would find comfort being there and with eachother.  Allison's friend was so thoughtful as to have food delivered all weekend for us. 

The kids took turns sitting on the bed talking to Mike.  He had alone time with each of them and we had a lot of together time in the room, also.  He alternated between sleep and awake.  His pain was under control.  We each made a special memory with him, I am sure.

On Monday morning, I exited my bathroom just to see his smiling face and hear him say, "Good morning, beautiful".  While I was showering, he got out of bed and got dressed.  He called me to him and gave me the best hug.  I asked him why he was dressed and he said, "Oh, I'm going."  I said, "Going where?"  "Going to sleep." he replied.

The kids arrived on Monday.  They were so happy to see him all dressed.  He even insisted on walking into the livingroom to be with them all.  He put his hands on my shoulders and walked behind me.  We walked passed the hallway mirror and I stopped to do a cha-cha step, him laughing all the way!  He announced to the kids, "Dead man walking!"  When he finally sat in the chair, he dropped his head to the side as if to "fake his death."  A sense of humor, right to the end, what a gift for us all!  Towards the end of the evening he said to me in a semi-whisper, "Why are they all still here?!?"  At one point, he drew me close and held me tight and said, "Come with me?"  I told him I still had so much to do here, but it was ok with me if he went first and saved a place for me.

He was pretty restless Monday night and Tuesday morning.  He was not really conscious at all by Tuesday afternoon.  The kids all came and I sent them home.  I just laid next to him, holding his hand and stroking his hair.  I talked to him for hours.  I reassured him that it was okay for him to go.  I reminded him that we raised great kids who would always make us proud.  I told him to please keep  his promise to watch over me and I promised to never stop looking for the signs that he was with me.  He quietly slipped away....

My quiet, unassuming, humble husband was honored by over 300 people at the wake/funeral.  What a testament to the man he was.....

Giving it his best shot

We saw the oncologist this week.  He recommends that we pay attention to Mr. W's quality of life right now.  Making him comfortable should be our top priority.

The chemo is no longer working and his cancer is spreading fast.  Swallowing has become quite a chore these days.  Anyone else would have just given up by now, but my guy is a fighter.  Whereas he eats very little, he makes a valiant attempt each day and I just cook things for him a little longer and a little soupier. 

He seems to have trouble getting enough oxygen into his system, so he uses the supplementary oxygen throughout the day. 

When he is having a good day. I come home to find him dressed and dutifully coiffed with his perfect hair.  When it is not such a good day, I just lay beside him and we pass the time together.

I had a talk with God the other day.  I suggested we do things MY way as clearly, His way was not working for me.  My cousin reminded me that God does not negotiate.  It was worth a shot, anyway.

Each day, no matter how he feels, he still smiles at me and says, "Good morning, Beautiful".  I am blessed to have this man love me so much that he refuses to leave me without a fight.

Notes from 4/14/15

Mr. W:  "When I'm gone, I am going to watch over you to make sure you are aware of everything around you." 

(He has always complained that I go through life with my head in the clouds and I don't take in all that is beautiful in nature.  I am better now, but he still reminds me to open my eyes)

Me: "Are you going to watch over me while I'm driving, too???"

Mr. W: "ESPECIALLY when you are driving!!!"

Me: (under my breath, "JACKASS!") "Are you gonna continue to complain about my driving even after you are gone???"

Mr. W:  (BIG SMILE)

......

Notes from 4/7/15

Conversation from this morning:

Mr. W: I love you so much, please don't give up on me because I am not giving up.

Me: I'll never give up....

"I'm up"

Each evening, at precisely 7:30 pm, my phone makes the sound of angelic harps and a message comes up,  "Good Night, Ally and Ava".  This has been going on for nearly 8 years already.   Last night, Mr. W. said to me, "Why is that still happening?  Why don't you just text them each night and say 'good night'?"

I explained to him that this was a 'gift to me'.  At that moment, each night, I think about my granddaughters and send them lots of love.  I will ALWAYS love the sound of that sweet alarm and the warm feeling in my heart for my girls.

He then said, "What time will the alarm go off for me each day?" -  After careful deliberation, I said, "At noon!  You text me everyday around noon to say, "I'm up!""

He smiled and was quiet for a while - then he said, "HEY!  Aren't you gonna say good night to me??"

I guess my phone will go off twice a day for him.....

Trying to buy some time

Mr. Wonderful has been enduring a regimen of "extreme chemo" for 7 weeks now.  We trek into the city every Monday for blood work, visit with the oncologist and then a chemo infusion.  Praise God for my children, as we never make this trip unescorted by either Allison or Bobby.

The reason he started this chemo was to make himself eligible for a clinical trial.  After 6 weeks, they did a scan to see how things were progressing.  The good news:  some of the tumors have decreased slightly.  The bad news:  he is no longer eligible for the clinical trial drug as there has been no forward progression of the disease since he has been on chemo.   

This has been a bittersweet time for all of us.  I spoke with the oncologist at length.  He said, "this will work for a little while, until it doesn't work anymore.  Then he will be eligible to try the new "non-chemo" drug".  Whereas I wanted to rejoice that something was working, the doctor brought me back to the sad reality that this is just a Band-Aid on a gushing artery.

I am angry that the medical field has put us in a position where Mike's quality of life was not considered at all.  I am totally supportive of the work they are trying to do to combat this ugly disease, but at what cost to MY HUSBAND???  He never would have agreed to the chemo if he was not promised the opportunity to try the new wonder drug. 

Our life is different now.  We were always intertwined, and now we are wrestling with the effects of the poison they are pumping through his veins along with the deadly beast that is trying to claim his life.  We start and end each day with me injecting him (twice a day) in his stomach, with a blood thinner to ward off the possibility of a fatal blood clot.  We count his calories each day to combat his inevitable weight loss and ensuing fatigue.  This is the toughest war we were ever in, and one we both know we will lose.

It's funny how things that were important enough to discuss a year ago never even come up anymore.  There are no more conversations about vacations.  There is no discussion about what car to get when my lease runs out.  We never talk about whether or not we should replace the deck in the back of the house now.  Some days, the biggest decision we make is whether or not to have ice cream for dinner.

I guess this rant is just my private 'pity-party' right now.  Mike is not ready to give up the fight.  I am not ready to watch him succumb to this beast.

Rest in peace, Janet

"Aunt" Janet passed away this week.  Janet is my sister-in-law's sister-in-law.  HOWEVER, my kids were raised in an Italian household, so Janet quickly became "Aunt" Janet and her son, Zach, became one of their cousins.

Janet had been fighting cancer for a couple years.  Last year, Mr. Wonderful and I went to Zach's engagement party.  Janet and Mr. W. were discussing their cancer treatments as he had just finished his radiation.  Janet looked good and she was convinced she was going to beat this deadly beast.

When I told Mr. W of  Janet's passing, his lip quivered and his eyes filled with tears, but he was silent.  All my kids went to the wake.  I arrived with Bobby and Suse in the evening, on Bobby's arm.  There was just such a sense of doom as he escorted me into the funeral home.... I know we both felt it. 

As we were offering our condolences, everyone was so kind as to ask how Mike was doing, with sadness in their eyes.  Such a somber time for all of us.

When I got home, Mike was in bed, but awake, waiting for me to join him.  As I turned off the lights, he reached for my hand and began asking about Janet and her last days.  I'm so glad it was dark in the room.....

Winter Camp!

Allison and Lisa rented a 7 bedroom house in Southampton for an extended weekend for all of us.  They thought it would be good for us to all get away together for a few days.  The weather was frightful, but it was just an hour's drive and we were all up for it.

Let me preface this by saying, Allison and I made enough food to feed ALL of the Hamptons!!  We ate and drank for days.  Needless to say, my freezer now has enough meals to feed us for a month of Storchevoy Sundays!

Everyone arrived, chose bedrooms, put on PJ's and slippers and we huddled together.  There was a huge fireplace in the living room that kept us all warm on the outside - and enough champagne, wine, etc. to keep us warm on the inside!

Allison thought of everything to make the days/night flow:


                                                    She bought us all "Spirit" T- Shirts:

                                                                     We played games:

 

 

                                                              We did projects:

That would be: Balloon Art, Shrinky-dinks, Origami, etc.

 

 

 

Allison supplied us each with a "Forever Lazy" and we hand painted and decorated them:

 

 

 

Mostly, we just loved each other and made some wonderful memories.

 

 

We may not be the most perfect family out there - but we are, by far, the most FUN family. 

 

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  My heart just fills with pride when I look at these pictures.  Mr. Wonderful and I must have done something right to be blessed with our kids.